Gang Initiation In Detroit Causes Panic After 30 People Killed In 30 Days

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A new gang trying to make a name for themselves in Detroit, Michigan is said to be playing a deadly game. The crew, known on the streets as The Detroit Hitmen are allegedly looking to kill 100 random people over a 100 day period. So far, police say the gang has killed 30 people, none of which had gang affiliations or ties of any kind.

“These people, this gang, they’re killing anyone. They’re killing young or old, black or white. The deaths have no connection, and we are at a loss on how to stop them,” said police chief Gabe Miller. “We want everyone to stay inside, keep your doors locked. They are not killing at any time of day. The deaths have been random, from stabbings to shootings. The violence is unreal.”

Chief Miller says that the gang is made up of at least 50 different members, all of whom are white.

“Unlike the black gangs, which usually wear colors or have identifying marks or signs, this gang doesn’t do any of that,” said Chief Miller. “That’s what makes them so deadly. All of the suspects we’ve dealt with were white, mid-to-late 20s, educated, and articulate. Most of them come from middle-class or upper-middle-class homes. Trying to handle this violence when it’s being perpetrated by white kids is extremely difficult.”

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DARWIN, West Virginia –

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

Bodybuilder Accused Of Murder Found ‘Too Fit’ To Stand Trial

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

Carl Jones, a professional bodybuilder from San Diego was found too fit to stand trial after he was accused of murdering his former lover, Cindy Mays.

A grand jury of his peers found that Jones was in too good of shape to be put through the harrowing legal proceedings that would have ensued in a murder case. A person being ‘too fit’ to stand trial is rare, but not unheard of.

“Oftentimes, as is the case with the law, things work out very oddly,” said lawyer Jackson Pooler. “Many times, a person is declared unfit to stand trial. This is usually because they are mentally unstable or unsound. In the case of Mr. Jones, my client, the grand jury found that he was too fit – a long, drawn-out court case would be detrimental to his health.”

Jones says that he works out over 9 hours a day, and eats in excess of 20,000 calories.

“There is no way that I’d be able to maintain this physique and, in essence, my health, if I had to stand trial,” said Jones. “In this case, the jury has made the correct decision, and I am just overjoyed that I can now continue making sure that I live as clean and healthy a life as possible.”

Man Found Not Guilty Of Murdering His Wife After Jury Hears She Withheld Sex For Years

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TAMPA, Florida –

Joel Lewis, 38, freely admitted in court that he murdered his wife, Joanne Lewis, 36, after 10 years of marriage. Although at that point prosecutors thought their job was finished, in a surprise twist, the jury found Lewis not guilty after learning the reason for Lewis’ act.

“My wife had not had sex with me in over 5 years,” said Lewis while on the stand, confessing. “It was a nightmare. I don’t need anything special. Just some missionary once in a while, maybe a good mouth-j on my birthday, but Joanne hadn’t even touched me in years. I promised to never betray her, and I just couldn’t cheat on her morally. I didn’t ever promise not to bludgeon her to death with one of her giant dildos, though.”

Prosecutors were seeking life in the murder case, but the jury foreman, Mark Richards, says that he didn’t see how he could possibly fault Lewis for his actions.

“There was 9 men and 3 women on the jury, and even the 3 women couldn’t believe what happened,” said Richards after the trial ended. “We only deliberated for about 3 minutes, and we went right back. We knew we had to vote not guilty.”

Lewis was immediately freed after spending the last 9 months in jail during his trial. He says that he is “extremely glad” that the jury understood what happened, and that he was just “so excited” to get back to his life.

Teen Killed In ‘Dodge The Bullet’ Game

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

A 15-year-old teen was killed last weekend after he and his friends decided to play a new game they had seen online, “dodge the bullets.” The game, which is taking off in viral YouTube videos, has a person stand near a wall or other solid object while friends take turns firing shots at them from pistols or rifles.

“In all my years as a police officer, this is probably the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen kids take part in,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Why they think this would be a good idea, or even possible for a long period of time, is beyond me.”

The goal of the game, according to the internet, is to not flinch for as long as possible before jumping out of the way. Most of the time, the “dodger” leaps out of the way well before the shot is fired. In this case, 15-year-old Caleb Matthew waited a little too long to dodge.

Criminal filings could be underway for Matthew’s friends, who his parents say owned the gun, and left it unlocked in their home. The Matthews family says they also plan to sue the other families of the teens involved. Those names have not been released due to the age of the teens.

Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MURPHY, Delaware –

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

14 Dead, 22 Injured After Riots and Protests At Latest Trump Rally

Posted on March 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEDFORD, Wisconsin –

14 people are dead and at least 22 are injured after Trump supporters attacked a group of peaceful protestors at the candidates latest rally in Wisconsin. Trump, who is known for egging on supporters to harass and bully his detractors, said that he was “overjoyed” that there were less people now standing in his way.

“Everywhere I go, there are more and more people standing in my way, trying to keep this country down, when all I want to do is make America great again,” said Trump. “In Wisconsin, we had horrible riots and there were some deaths, yes, but the only ones killed were Trump protestors, Trump detractors. There are fewer now, and for that, we should all be thankful.”

Trump has offered multiple times to pay the legal fees of any one of his constituents who is arrested or charged for crimes against protestors. In this case, police are still sorting out how and where the riot originated.

“We know that there were a group of 15 or 20 peaceful protestors standing outside the hall where Trump was campaigning,” said Police Chief Mario Jones. “According to witnesses, that group was attacked by a handful of Trump supporters, who beat them with rocks, bats, and chains. Most were killed instantly, but some are mending in a local hospital. Once they are out of their comas, we will begin questioning.”

Trump was not held liable for the riots, despite being the one to incite it.

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

Posted on February 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”