Bodybuilder Accused Of Murder Found ‘Too Fit’ To Stand Trial

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

Carl Jones, a professional bodybuilder from San Diego was found too fit to stand trial after he was accused of murdering his former lover, Cindy Mays.

A grand jury of his peers found that Jones was in too good of shape to be put through the harrowing legal proceedings that would have ensued in a murder case. A person being ‘too fit’ to stand trial is rare, but not unheard of.

“Oftentimes, as is the case with the law, things work out very oddly,” said lawyer Jackson Pooler. “Many times, a person is declared unfit to stand trial. This is usually because they are mentally unstable or unsound. In the case of Mr. Jones, my client, the grand jury found that he was too fit – a long, drawn-out court case would be detrimental to his health.”

Jones says that he works out over 9 hours a day, and eats in excess of 20,000 calories.

“There is no way that I’d be able to maintain this physique and, in essence, my health, if I had to stand trial,” said Jones. “In this case, the jury has made the correct decision, and I am just overjoyed that I can now continue making sure that I live as clean and healthy a life as possible.”

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

Mother Arrested For Burning Her 4-Year-Old Child Alive; Claims Toddler Was A Witch

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Delaware –

A Delaware mother was arrested and charged with first-degree murder after allegedly tying her 4-year-old child to a stake in their back yard and burning her alive. The mother, Amber Stone, says that she needed to perform the burning because her toddler was showing “witch-like” powers.

“When Julie was a baby, everything was normal, but in the last couple months, she’d been displaying horrible, witch-like attributes,” said Stone in a police interview. “She would cry all the time, and whine. Often times, when she didn’t get her way, things would happen in the house, like a light bulb would burn out or the dog would bark uncontrollably. It was very frightening.”

Stone says that she initially consulted a priest in hopes of getting an exorcism, but she was denied because she was Jewish. In the end, she said her online research led her to believe that her daughter was actually a witch.

“I didn’t believe it at first, but there were entire forums dedicated to it, and Julie was definitely a witch, or was going to become one soon,” said Stone. “I asked users on Reddit what they thought I should do, and they said the only way to free her soul was to burn her alive at the stake, so that’s what I did.”

Police reports indicate that Stone built a small fire pit in her back yard with a long pole in the middle. She reportedly tied up her daughter, wrapped her in a blanket, and doused her with lighter fluid. Police were called when neighbors complained of a “horrific odor” emanating from the Stone’s house.

Amber Stone faces the death penalty for her crime. Lawyers for the defendant say that she has “no chance in Hell” of being found not guilty, and that they barely plan to try and defend her.