Research Shows That Over Grown Mustaches Cause Face Tumors

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a person with a lengthy stash, you may want to due some trimming. Doctors have conducted a research study on the effects of growing a long or bushy mustache, and the results may come as a surprise.

According to their research, men with over grown mustaches have a better chance to develop a face tumor in their lifetime due to their facial hair. The study revealed that while facial hair is, of course, natural, letting your facial hair grow long on your upper lip can end up clogging important pores in your face. This can lead to blood clots, ingrown hairs, and eventual face tumors.

Doctors claim that it is uncommon for hair to grow that long on ones face and are comparing it to a ingrown nail. By letting a ingrown nail continue to grow you can cause nerve damage along with other serious effects. They are stating by letting one area of your facial hair overgrow like this, the symptoms are the same but with more serious consequences.

It has also been concluded that if one was to grow out their eyebrows the same results could follow. While your facial hair doesn’t weigh that much, the pressure from long and dense hair on the face can be enough to cause serious damage.

Researchers say that they are hoping that this long mustache phase will fizzle out soon, or they say several cities throughout the country, such as Portland, Oregon, could face a face tumor epidemic.

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana –

Local 16-year-old Trevor McKenzie has recently realized he can grow the slightest bit of facial hair on his upper lip, and so he has not shaved in two months. Despite looking utterly ridiculous, McKenzie apparently thinks he’s Godd— Ron Swanson or something.

It is not known if McKenzie was inspired by the hilariously-manly Ron Swanson, played by Nick Offerman on the NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation. It’s just as possible that McKenzie may have seen too many reruns of Magnum P.I. featuring Tom Selleck, or maybe in history class he was influenced by black-and-white photographs of the mustachioed presidents of old, such as Theodore Roosevelt or William Howard Taft. What is known is that McKenzie’s “mustache” is terribly thin and horribly prepubescent, and should be shaved off immediately to show respect to the aforementioned all-time great lip ticklers.

McKenzie seems completely unaware that rather than impressing friends or attracting girls, which seems to be his intention, his “mustache” serves only as a subject of ridicule. When confronted with this teasing, McKenzie dismisses the unpopularity of his ‘stache as thinly-veiled jealousy. Sadly, the reality is that most high school students, despite being ignorant in most aspects of life, have enough sense to not grow a mustache if they can’t do so properly. Deep down, McKenzie must surely be aware that his poor excuse of a mustache is an embarrassment to him and his family.

We all know that history is doomed to repeat itself. We can extrapolate from previous trends that McKenzie will shave off his near-translucent mustache in a few weeks and regret that it ever took residence on his face, only to grow a half-ass goatee in his freshman year of college.