Neil Armstrong, First Man On The Moon, Dead At 82

MIAMI, Florida –

America is mourning the passing of the first man on the moon, Neil Armstrong, at the age of 82. The famous and pioneering astronaut died from health complications brought on by his 2012 death, bringing an end to the celebrated life of this true American pioneer.

His family released a statement, describing Armstrong as a reluctant American hero [who had] served his nation proudly, as a navy fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut.

“While we mourn the loss of a very good man, we also celebrate his remarkable life and hope that it serves as an example to young people around the world to work hard to make their dreams come true, to be willing to explore and push the limits, and to selflessly serve a cause greater than themselves.”

The news triggered an outpouring of tributes to the man who took the first “small step” on the Earth’s lunar luminary.

“I can’t believe he’s gone,” tweeted fellow astronaut Buzz Aldrin. “In his 85 years on this planet, he managed to live 82 solar cycles, which is more than 96% of that time. That’s pretty darn good. Better than most at least.”

The interstellar traveller, who celebrated his 82nd birthday in August 2012, had previously stated that he intended to live forever, even if he did not manage any more years in that time. But friends say they saw his demise coming.

“When he died in 2012, we knew he wouldn’t last that much longer,” said old school friend Randy Haywood. “I mean, the projected life span after dying is usually six months to a year. He fought on for almost three years. That’s a darn good achievement, but like all men, his death finally killed him.”

An anonymous source informed news outlets that Armstrong’s family were to sue doctors treating him for negligence.

“You have to be very cautious when treating a dead man,” said the source. “These doctors weren’t. Although he lasted a remarkably long time, he could’ve lived for years longer, if not for his physician and surgeon’s inconsideration of his ailing condition.”

A trainee, who had regular contact with the lunar lander, was overheard saying that he was never the same after his body stopped working anyway.

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”