Couple Arrested After Police Discover Over 20 Thousands Pounds of Marijuana in Home


CONCORD, New Hampshire –

A New Hampshire couple has been arrested after an anonymous tip lead police to find nearly 20,000 pounds of marijuana in the home.

Carl and Debbie Rutherberg, both 40, said that they had “no intention” of selling the weed, or transporting it, they say the simply buy a lot, and don’t use it very often.

“It’s for our glaucoma, and for our aches and pains,” said Carl Rutherberg. “We don’t sell it, we never have. We’re good, honest people, and this is a huge mistake.”

Ironically, the couple live in New Hampshire, sandwiched between other states, such as Massachusetts and Maine, where marijuana has been legalized – albeit not in this amount.

“If we had a couple plants, and lived an hour south, this would have been totally legal,” said Debbie. “Instead, we get a few hundred tons and are stuck in New Hampshire, and we’re in jail? Live Free or Die my ass.”

The couple face felony drug charges that would send them away for life.

New Hampshire Courts Rule That Rape Is Legal In All Cirucmstances

law firm

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Although a recent internet circulation about Oklahoma law allowing for someone to be orally raped if they are intoxicated has already been proved to be inaccurate, New Hampshire lawmakers may be giving the internet something new to make waves over. The courts in that state have determined that all rape, whether it is a man on a woman or a woman on a man, and no matter what bodily orifice is penetrated, is considered legal in all circumstances.

“We live in a state where the motto is ‘Live Free or Die,'” said state senator Richard Lambert. “We have no seatbelt laws. We have no sales tax. We have no helmet laws. We have the most lax laws on theft or vandalism in the country. It was a no-brainer that we should also have no laws pertaining to rape or sexual assault.”

According to Lambert, lawmakers were recently put on blast for allowing a 17-year-old teen to go free after he was arrested for allegedly raping a 16-year-old female classmate.

“That teen says that the girl wanted to have sex, and neither of them was even drunk or otherwise intoxicated at the time, so we had to believe him,” said Lambert. “We let him go, because more often than not, when a girl loses her virginity she is upset afterwards, and looking to hurt the guy, especially when the couple breaks up, which is what had happened in that situation.”

Instead of creating stricter laws that would help to keep possible sex offenders from going free, the state decided that they would remove the laws from their court system all together, making all rape, regardless of circumstance, legal and “okay.”

“I, personally, am glad that we are making the matter go away entirely by removing the laws,” said Lambert. “Our state spends more time than anything on cases about rape or assault or statutory rape than anything else, and it was costing us millions. Instead, let these kids go out and get wasted and have sex. There shouldn’t be people going to jail over regret.”

32 College Students ‘Feel The Bern’ After Political Rally Turns Into Orgy, Spreads Chlamydia


KEENE, New Hampshire –

A group of college students at Keene State College in New Hampshire have all recently been treated in local hospitals for Chlamydia and a host of other STDs after a recent political rally in support of Bernie Sanders turned into a full-blown orgy.

“Everything started innocently enough. We were meeting to help figure out ways to support candidate Sanders, and things were going well,” said rally leader Joe Goldsmith. “After a few hours and a lot of drinks, one thing lead to another, and soon all 32 of us had our clothes off, and well, you know what happened.”

According to doctors at Keene Memorial Hospital, all 32 of the involved students contracted various STDs, including chlamydia and genital warts.

“This is what happens when young people get together and try to change the world,” said Dr. Myles Kennefic. “They lose their focus, and everyone gets fucked. This is what the world is coming to. That’s why I’m voting Trump.”

Hillary Clinton Plans To Make Bill Clinton Her Running Mate If She Wins In Primary



Although he has already served a full two terms as president, nothing is stopping Hillary Clinton from making her husband, Bill Cinton, her vice-presidential running mate should she win during the primary elections; an act she says she is planning on doing.

“Bill has already been there, and he’s already seen what a presidential seat can do to a person, and there is no one better to join me at my side, and in my cabinet, than him,” said Hillary Clinton. “I am officially planning to recognize my husband, Bill, as my running mate if I am to take the primaries.”

Members of Congress say that there is no reason that Bill Clinton cannot serve as vice president, but there are issues were something to happen to Hillary if she were elected, such as a death, or a scandal or other measure that forces her to resign.

“If she were to be elected with Bill Clinton as her vice president, we are unsure, at this time, if he would be able to take over the roll of president as would normally be the case,” said congressional member Richard Doorer (R-Iowa). “As he has already fulfilled his duty as president, and completed two full terms, he is not eligible to run again, but that doesn’t necessarily negate that he could be president again in that sort of situation. We’ll take it as it comes, if it does indeed arise.”

According to an anonymous source inside the Clinton campaign, the entire race has just been one big ploy to get Bill Clinton back into the oval office, with Hillary planning on winning, and immediately stepping down, allowing for her husband to take over.

New Hampshire Town Begins Providing Wooden Stakes To Residents In Case of Vampire Apocalypse


ALBANY, New Hampshire – 

A small town in New Hampshire has begun leaving sharpened, wooden stakes around the area in case of a vampire outbreak. The stakes are strapped to utility poles or taped to buildings, as town officials say that it is better to be safe, than sorry.

“A vampire outbreak could happen at any time, and without warning,” said Albany town commissioner Thomas Jones. “While other cities, and even the CDC, may be planning for possible outbreak, we want to have all of our bases covered. Providing sharpened wooden stakes to our citizens is the least we can do, and at a very low cost to the town.”

Jones said that they have, so far, placed over 300 wooden stakes, and at a total cost of only $89 dollars.

“We worked closely with a local furniture builder, who shaped discarded wood for us,” said Jones. “The only cost necessary was the straps used to hold them in place, and the little signs that we printed to provide explanation.”

Jones said that the town has taken “very warmly” to the idea of constant protection, and that it is a much better idea than having people carry around their own weapons.

“I like to think of it in this way,” said Albany resident Valerie Bruce. “I can’t shoot to save my life. I don’t know anyone that can. But I sure as hell can stab away, and if it comes down to it, I’d rather run to a wooden stake and stab a vampire than try to shoot it. More guns cause more problems in the long run. Besides, bullets don’t kill vampires.”

Jones says they will continue to place wooden stakes around town until they feel they are “fully secured,” and then will move on to placing crucifixes and garlic.

Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – 

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Health Department Warns Of Pumpkins Filled With Baby Spiders


AUGUSTA, Maine – 

A slew of complaints to the state health department over the last month has prompted officials to release a statement warning of possible contamination of pumpkins and gourds with a species of tiny, orange and grey spider.

“These spiders may be very hard to notice, as they often blend in very well with the insides of a pumpkin,” said health official Joe Goldsmith. “When you are carving your ornaments for the Halloween holiday, especially when doing so with children, please be extremely cautious of spiders.”

According to Channel 13 News Augusta, a Maine man was one of the first to experience these ‘tainted pumpkins.’

“My son and I were carving a pumpkin, and as I scooped in to remove the seeds, I felt something tickling my hand. I didn’t notice what it was at first, but as I scooped in again, the sensation got worse,” said Geoff Colbath, 31, of Augusta, Maine. “I looked, and there were hundreds of baby spiders crawling along my arm. We ended up burning that pumpkin, and every other one we got from the farm stand.”

Officials are trying to trace the origins of the spider to a specific location, but so far reports of spider-infested pumpkins have hit police and hospitals in New Hampshire, Maine, Vermont, and Massachusetts.

U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

baby tattoo

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

Man Drives Car Through Donut Shop After Learning They Are Out of Maple Glazed

MILFORD, New Hampshire – Empire-News-Man-Drives-Car-Through-Donut-Shop-After-Learning-They-Are-Out-Maple-Glazed

Johnathan Elm, 27, was arrested Tuesday morning after driving his car through the front window of a local donut shop. Elm was apparently upset that the store, Wicked Good Donuts, had just run out of his favorite donuts, maple glazed.

“He started yelling and screaming and cursing at us, calling us ‘Donut-Hole Whores’ and ‘Pastry Pimps,’ seriously bizarre and crazy things,” said shop owner Marlene Simmons. “It was scary. We asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, but when I went to call the police, that’s when he ran out of the store.”

Reports by people outside the shop say they heard Elm screaming, and saw him running out the door, where he bolted across the street and got into his car.

“He was parked outside, across the road,” Said Joey Goldsmith, an eyewitness. “I watched him get into his car and then  immediately drive it straight at the front window of the donut store. The glass shattered and then there were donuts and crullers flying all over the place. Sugar and liquid glaze went everywhere. It was like a diabetic nightmare out here.”

Elm was knocked unconscious during the accident when his airbag failed to deploy, causing him to crash directly into a rack of freshly made muffins.

“Blueberry corn muffins, our top seller. On sale this week for 4 for $6.99. Best deal in town,” said Simmons.

Not surprisingly, there were several police cruisers in the vicinity of the donut shop at the time of the accident, and Elm was immediately arrested and taken into custody, charged with reckless endangerment, attempted assault, and rampant destruction of delicious breakfast foods. He was initially brought to Milford Memorial Hospital to treat minor injuries sustained in the crash.

Police say that Elm blames his actions on Michael Vale, the actor who played “Fred The Baker” in many early Dunkin Donuts commercials.

“Fred knew when it was time to make the donuts. He was always making the f—— donuts. He’d have never run out of maple glazed! Never!” Said Elm in a police interview.

Elm was held and released Friday on $15,000 bail, and is currently restricted from entering any establishment that sells donuts or donut paraphernalia.


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