New York City Restaurant Becomes First To Get License To Serve Human Flesh

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Where else but New York City? A newly opened restaurant within the city limits is boasting the nation’s first license to serve human flesh on the menu. The restaurant, simply called SKIN, received a license after petitioning the state and federal governments over laws against cannibalism.

“As a species, we are at the top of the food chain, and the only meat left to tackle was other humans,” said SKIN owner Mario Dorcy, a 4-star Michelin chef. “We battled long and hard to be able to serve human meat in our restaurant, and the government finally conceded that were were in the right.”

Dorcy says that he has been fighting cannibal ordinance laws for over 10 years, and was finally given the green-light after he promised that the meat that was used would only come from people who had donated their bodies specifically to his restaurant, knowing full well that they would be eaten.

“We have to keep meticulous records, and there is a lot of paperwork someone has to fill out before they die, and before they can be eaten,” said Dorcy. “We do pay handsomely for body donations, though, and the money can be used for anything, since funeral expenses become zero when you donate your body to be eaten.”

Dorcy says that there are plenty of dishes on the menu that do not include human meat, but those leery of the process should not order at all.

“Just like on those packages of candies with allergy warnings that say ‘the machines also are used to make items with nuts,’ our utensils are also used to cook human meat,” said Dorcy. “So don’t come in if you’re not down with what we do.”

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

NEW YORK, New York – 

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

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“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

Over 300 Bodies Found In Hudson River By NYPD; Police Suspect Foul Play

Over 300 Bodies Found In Hudson River By NYPD; Police Suspect Foul Play

 

NEW YORK, NEW YORK –

A group of divers from the New York Police Department made an eerie discovery this morning during a routine training exercise. So far, 327 bodies have been found on the floor of the Hudson river, just off the coast of Midtown-Manhattan, by the NYPD dive team, according to spokesperson James Dailey.

“At approximately 10:15 AM, our divers discovered the bodies during a training exercise. The identities of the deceased are unknown at this time,” Dailey said at an impromptu press conference held outside One Police Plaza in Manhattan. “All of the bodies found were chained to cinder blocks, which were most likely used to weigh down the corpses. We do believe that foul play was involved.”

There is speculation amongst the department of whether or not the bodies are linked to the notorious Del Pino crime family, who had seized control over the city within the past five years, and are most notably believed to be responsible for the deaths of Peter “Half-Foot” Marcini and Ronnie “Staircase Nose” Nanatelli, both known for being masters of the bootleg dvd trade which preys upon tourists visiting the bustling Manhattan.

“It (the Hudson River) seems to suddenly be a very popular place for wrong-doers and murderers to dispose of bodies, much less go as low as to murder adversaries because of misunderstandings. Very rarely in the past would we have pulled a bloat from the Hudson, and we certainly wouldn’t have pulled 300 or more out. Back in the old days, you think the guys woulda resorted to violence to solve the common adversities that life had dealt them? Forget about it,” Dailey concluded. “I tell you though, we really, really need to start diving the Hudson more. Finding a body or two is one thing, finding this many? It’s going to take weeks to sort through them all.”

Statue Of Liberty Stolen, NYPD Blame French Terrorists

Statue Of Liberty Stolen, NYPD Blame French Terrorists

 

NEW YORK, New York –

The Statue Of Liberty was reported stolen by security guards early this morning after they watched helplessly as a choreographed fleet of stealthily painted, unmarked apache helicopters lifted Miss Liberty from her base at Liberty Island and carried her away. New York Police Department Commissioner Bill Bratton believes theft was “an act of terrorism” by France.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:30 am this morning. Security officer Bobby Grazia told reporters that he and the three other guards on duty, who work third shift, were eating hoagies for lunch when the event occurred.

“Me and the guys were eating lunch from a joint called Luigi’s, which was great by the way. They pack that meat in there so good, it’s like heaven. My father has been taking me there to eat since I’m two years old. Yo, anyway, yeah a whole flock of choppers just swooped right in and hauled her away. The lady, I mean, not my sub. We shined our flashlights at them and were yelling at them to get them to stop, I guess they didn’t hear us,” Grazia said.

Police Commissioner Bratton is not taking the news lightly. “It’s not anything we can’t get over, but it’s the point ya know? They stole our girl from us. France is responsible, I am sure of it, everybody knows France is a country of arrogant, pompous Indian givers. If we can’t get her back, we will rebuild better and stronger than ever. After all, that’s what we do here in this great city.

 

‘Super Rats’ Terrorize New York City

NEW YORK, New York – 'Super Rats' Terrorize New York City

A new breed of ‘Super rats,’ immune to poisons and larger, stronger, and more aggressive than normal rats, have reportedly invaded the upper East Side on New York. Super rats are carnivores, and have so far been feeding on pigeons, cats, dogs, and other rodents but the US Department Of Health says they fear attacks on people could be next.

“The problem with super rats is officially out of control, we have known about rats plaguing the Bronx and Harlem for a while now, but when super rats start terrorizing the good people of the upper East Side, it’s time to do something about it,” said NYC Mayor Bill de Blaiso. “So today I am announcing a new tax, this additional one dollar “Super Rat Tax” on each and every pack of cigarettes sold in the city, will go to the safe and humane trapping of the super rats so they be relocated to New Jersey” 

“He said what? If that communist thinks he can dump his rats here, he’s got another thing coming.” said Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor. “I’ll shut down the bridges! I did it before, I’ll do it again, I’ll take those super rats and launch them over the river so it rains rats all over the city night and day. I got one message for comrade de Blaiso: ‘sit down and shut up’, and don’t f*ck with Jersey.”

Super Rats? I have lived in the upper East Side my whole life, and I have never seen a super rat. Hell, I’ve never seen a regular rat, if you can believe that,” said Carmine Classi, avid smoker, as he was interviewed on the street by WNYC-News 6. “Bill de Blaiso hates smokers, just like Bloomberg hated the fatties. Bill is an ultra-liberal nutjob who just wants to raise our cigarette tax again. He won’t be happy until no one smokes, and now he’s seeing rats? Well I got a message for Mr. Mayor, you’re the only r—…”

Unfortunately, Classi was attacked by a super rat mid-sentence, and was killed instantly. WNYC-News 6 reporters say they send their deepest regards to his family.

 

Jaywalking Charges In New York Have Increased To One Year In Prison

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Jaywalking Charges In New York Have Increased To One Year In Prison

If you happen to live in New York City, you may want to wait a little longer for that crossing light to pop up before trying to make it across the street. A new law being presented to the New York State Congress by lawmakers today states that anyone caught jaywalking within city limits will face extreme new charges, including fines and up to one full year in prison.

The decision was made after several years of studies on traffic accidents involving pedestrians, who in busy New York City will often rush through the city streets while texting, talking on phones, or just generally being ignorant of their surroundings. The city holds the record for the most jaywalking charges in the entire country, and the local government have been working closely with police to come up with a strict solution.

“You ever have a guy tell you to lick his bean bag because you gave him a jaywalking ticket?” said Officer Carl Brown of the NYPD. “I honestly love the idea of a person going to jail for jaywalking. Maybe it will show them some patience. People forget how big New York is, and how many people are in it. I’ve seen people get hit by cars while jaywalking, and if they just relaxed, took a second, and found a damn crosswalk, they’d have been fine. Once the law is in effect, I can’t wait to slap the cuffs on some idiot for crossing the street illegally.”

The law will start at an as-yet-undecided date in 2015, as officials work out final details. The city says that they fear if they began citing individuals for violating the law without warning, more than 90% of the city would be behind bars. Police officers are currently being briefed on the law in anticipation of the changes.

“We’re super excited for this to happen,” said Officer Brown. “I’m chomping at the bit to lock up some of these hardcore criminals.”

 

Historic Empire State Building Scheduled For Demolition; Americans Shocked, Outraged

NEW YORK, New York – Historic Empire State Building Scheduled For Demolition; Americans Shocked, Outraged

Mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, held a press conference this morning with news that stunned loyal residents of the great city and has left much of the rest of the country speechless, as he publicly announced that the iconic 103-story historic landmark Empire State Building would be demolished this summer.

“It is with great dissatisfaction that I stand before you today and give you news of unfortunate circumstances. Yesterday afternoon, our beloved Empire State Building was sold to a group of Saudi Arabian entrepreneurs who, in turn, made the unpopular decision to destroy one of the few great symbols of this wonderful country,” de Blasio announced.

The iconic Fifth Avenue skyscraper was sold to the Dallah-Alireza Group based out of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, who purchased the Midtown Manhattan building for just over $700 million. CEO of DAG, Khalid Ahmed Al-Kazaz, then issued a statement that the group has made the necessary arrangements with the New York State Board of Historical Preservation, who granted the group the right to do anything they wish with the historic structure.

“We come to you today with bright ideas for a greater tomorrow. Our group has voted to demolish the Empire State Building in order to make way for a state-of-the-art shopping center, filled with wonderful stores including cigar and smoke shops, two Seven-Elevens, and a superb hookah bar. It is time for America to move forward and look to the great future,” Al-Kazaz said. “We are also pleased to share the news that many great stores will have bargains on brand name, knock-off clothing and apparel.”

New York residents, livid with the decision, have taken to the streets of Manhattan with protest. Many carrying signs of anti-smoke shop and convenience store sentiment, as well as catchy Pro-American quotes and phrases. “Let’s Take America Back” one outlandish sign read.  Many Americans and New York residents have begun to share petitions via the internet.

The Empire State Building is scheduled for demolition on August 3, 2015.

Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

BROOKLYN, New York – Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Charles Freihoffer loves food.  He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism.  “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place.  It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile.  “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space.  So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does.  This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer.  “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do.  So I came up with some fun stuff:  ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’  I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied.  “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle.  Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued.  “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative.  Even from where I sit, I can see that.  I told him how to appeal and to apply again.  I wish him luck.  He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer.  “The edge is gone.  All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed.  I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see.  Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer.  “That was the easiest part!  Now it’s all this red tape.  Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.

Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

CARMEL, New York – Family Sues Fortune Cookie Manufacturer After Finding Filthy Fortunes

A fun family trip quickly turned into a nasty nightmare for the Bryant family of upstate Carmel, New York, after several lewd “novelty” fortune cookies were mistakenly placed on their table.

Joy and Matt Bryant planned a day of fun for Joy’s parents, Eloise and Earl, and for their 6-year-old daughter, Angela.

“It was Mum and Dad’s anniversary.  They really wanted to visit the Guggenheim [Museum].  Mom studied art way back when, and said she practically used to live there.”

“So this man was handing out restaurant coupons,” said Earl.  “It was for a Chinese place, and you really can’t get halfway decent Chinese up by us, so I took one.  We go down the street and the place looked nice, so in we went!”

“The food and the service were good,” he added.

“I had the orange chicken!” said Angela.  “And then I needed another fortune cookie because I dropped my fortune cookie on the floor.  It said ‘You will have a surprise very soon.’”

The fortune proved to be chillingly accurate.

Waiter Eddie Tan explained what happened next.

“The girl was upset because she dropped her cookie, so I go back and grab a handful and put them on her plate, and she was very happy.  I go back to the kitchen and the mother screams and the father yells ‘Where’s the boss?  Where’s the boss?’”

Tan had mistakenly taken a handful of “adult” novelty fortunes meant only for the staff to see.  The smutty fortunes were brought in earlier as a ‘gag’ gift to celebrate a co-worker’s birthday.

Joy explained, “My 6-year-old turns to me and asks, ‘Mommy, what’s a r–job?  It says ‘Tonight you will get a r–job.’  Well, I screamed out loud and my husband told my daughter never to say that word again.  Then we read the rest of them.”

“The next one said, ‘You will eat some p—- tonight,’” she continued.  “And the one after that said ‘You need to get a rusty trombone.’ I was horrified!  At church we got a pamphlet with every dirty word you can think of to teach your children not to say – that’s how I knew what every word meant,” she quickly explained.

Joy’s father didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.

“Matt was getting the manager,” said Earl, “so I took a look at the other ones and they sounded okay to me.  I don’t know what an ‘Angry Dragon’ is, but I figured it was something about the Chinese New Year.  I know what a ‘piledriver’ is because I used to do that all the time with my guys.”  Earl is a retired telephone company foreman.

“Another one said ‘Do you like hobknocking?’ Maybe I do.  Beats me.  The last one I read said ‘Give me a blumpkin!’ That sounded like a fancy dessert, and since we only got the orange slices and fortune cookies, I really wanted to get a blumpkin!  Then the waiter took them away.”

“I raised Holy Hell!” Said Matt. “The waiter explained what happened and said they wouldn’t charge us for lunch, like that was going to make everything all right!  I told him I was going to sue them and the fortune cookie company for emotional distress.  Joy still cries about how they ruined her parents’ anniversary.  She was crying and we never even made it to the museum!  We were so upset, we let Angela go stay with her grandparents for a few days. We both just stayed at home…In bed. Er, reading our Bibles. Yeah, our Bibles. That’s it.”

The case of Bryant v. Hung’s is expected to be settled out of court.

Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Bankruptcy Filings Soar As Street Dealers Cope With Marijuana Legalization Laws

Twenty-one states and the District of Columbia have legislation regarding marijuana legalization in active committee. What may be a boon for increased state tax revenue and for sellers of home gardening supplies, is apparently tipping the scales in the other direction for local independent street dealers, many of whom are feeling the pinch.

“All of our new bankruptcy clients now are walking in off the street, wanting to file,” says Lance Powell, financial advisor and bankruptcy attorney.  “When we ask what they did for a living, more and more say ‘I was a dealer’ or ‘I sold weed on the corner.’  It’s crazy.  It’s good for my business, but it means it’s bad for somebody else’s,” he added.

“Used to be I could just stick my big toe out the window, and customers came ‘round,” said struggling dealer known locally as ‘Freeman the Treeman.’  Now, I can’t get arrested!  It’s a damn shame,” he said.

Local bottle and can collector Lee Fan, known for her shopping carts towering with impossibly balanced plastic bags filled with returnable water bottles, soda and beer cans, is also suffering.  “Everybody picks up bottles now, not good for me, not good for my income.  Dealers can’t sell street marijuana so much, so now they pick up bottles.  Free money.  Streets are much cleaner, but now I take a big loss,” she said, guiding her now half-empty carriages in a sad trail down the street.

Effects are also felt below city sidewalks and penetrate far down into local subway systems.  Rider Mabel Watson, standing beside her Lower Manhattan Seventh Avenue subway entrance, had this to say:  “With all these laws getting more and more relaxed, street people have to change jobs.  Me, I got glaucoma in my eye, but now I got a voucher to go to the drugstore to get mine instead of all this street mess.”

“So,” continued Watson, “I see my local man, ‘PuffPuff’ down in the train the other day sellin’ candy like the kids do to raise money.  Probably the first real job he ever had, but anyway he comes up to me and says, ‘where you been Mabel?’ and I tell him I don’t need him no more.  He gets all in my face, tells me ‘Buy some of my candy then!  It’s only a dollar, bitch!  I mean, ma’am,’ — like that’s gonna make it all right!  I bought 2 peanut M&Ms and some DOTS just to get that fool out my face!”

“It’s incredible how many things are affected,” said Powell, as he processed another bankruptcy claim for a new client, nicknamed Mr. Kush.  See that guy leaving right now?  He used to own this neighborhood.  Cars, fancy clothes, everything.  Now he comes in here almost broke. Never thought I’d see the day when all this would change so fast. I’m swamped,” said Powell, eyes bloodshot and glassy. “It’s from all this extra work and no sleep, honest,” he added, as he returned to a growing stack of new claim forms.

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