Bernie Sanders Announced Plans To Drop From Race After Loss In New York

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Bernie Sanders has announced that he plans to drop from the presidential race after a loss in New York state earlier this week. The news comes as a massive shock to his followers and fans, as the Senator has said that he would “take this fight” to the end.

“I know that we had talked about bringing this fight to the ring, going all rounds, and hopefully coming out on top,” said Sanders on Thursday morning. “The problem is, we are not going to come out on top. This country is not ready for a president of my caliber, and it’s clear the media bias towards Hillary’s campaign is getting the better of us.”

Sanders says that he hopes that his voters will choose wisely when it comes to their voting in the general election.

“When it comes down to the elections later this year, it’s obvious that it will be Clinton and Trump,” said Sanders. “Although neither of these options is good, there is definitely one that is better than the other. Damned if I can tell you which one to vote for though.”

Massive Earthquake Will Hit Los Angeles Within A Month, Death Toll Will Be Astronomical

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A massive earthquake is being forecast to hit the greater Los Angeles, California area sometime within the next month, with estimated destruction in the trillions of dollars, and the death toll to be in the millions.

Dr. Ernest Klein, of the Atlanta Valley Research Society, has been tracking the intensity and frequency of earthquakes throughout the country for the better part of 30 years, and he says that the San Andreas fault, which runs throughout most of California, was supposed to have “gone off” decades ago.

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“Based on my research, the faults in the Los Angeles area are massively overdo for a rupture,” said Dr. Klein. “The last major quake on the West Coast would have been approximately 1,000 years ago, and those faults are on a 500-750 year cycle. When I calculate for several other factors, such as the human factor, which would not have been prevalent during the original quake, I estimate that this fault will explode with activity by the end of next month.”

Dr. Klein says that he has spoken with the President, as well as many other members of the White House staff and the National Guard, in preparation for what he says will be a magnitude 11 to 12 quake, the worst in the history of time.

“This is something that will happen, and it is not a matter of years or months. We’re talking weeks, and this will destroy life in California, as well as the rest of the country,” said Dr. Klein. “An earthquake of that size will be able to be felt in New York.”

Hillary Clinton Calls Bernie Sanders A ‘Fag Lover’ During NY Debate

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a heated debate in New York, democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders had few things to say to each other that were pleasant, with Sanders being voted as the ‘winner’ of the debate in online polls, and Clinton being called the victor by TV talking heads.

What the talking heads seem to ignore, but what the internet is in a firestorm over, is Clinton’s use of a sarcastic, vile slur that was hurled at Sanders when she thought the mics were not on. According to people sitting in the front row of the debate, during a commercial break, Clinton leaned over to Sanders, and whispered that she would never let a “socialist fag-lover” like him win the election.

“If you think that I’m going to let a socialist fag-lover like you win this election, you’re out of your mind,” said Clinton allegedly, according to those in attendance.

Sanders, true to form as a gentleman and the more secure candidate, has refused to comment or confirm that Clinton said anything negative towards him, or used any sort of slur during the debates.

“Hillary Clinton is a fine woman who would make a great leader of this country if she had more experience,” said Sanders. “I am proud to love all people, of all races, creed, color, or orientation. That’s who I am, and that’s what I’m taking to the White House.”

Patient Who Had Penis Photographed By Nurse When Unconscious Says He’s “Cool With It” After Seeing How Hot She Is

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UPSTATE, New York – 

A nurse in New York was forced to turn in her license to practice after she took selfies and “dick pics” of an unconscious patient, and then shared the pictures with co-workers. 27-year-old Kristen Johnson was forced by a judge to give up her license after she was deemed “morally unfit” to practice.

The patient, whose identity was not revealed, did make a public statement, saying that he didn’t think that there was anything wrong with what happened.

“If she had been fat and ugly, taking pictures of my dick would have been a no-go,” said the patient. “But I mean, really now. Have you seen her? She’s a hot 27-year-old, and what better way to flatter a guy when he gets out of a coma than to tell him a hot girl was admiring his package? I’m totally cool with it.”

A lawyer for the patient was hired by the hospital, but he says that he has “no intention” of going any further through the legal system with the issue.

“If it had been a guy taking pictures of some unconscious girl’s vag, and then shared it around, people would be calling for his balls on a platter, but because this is a young, attractive girl, they’re just making her give up her license,” said the patient. “Honestly, I think she’s suffered enough. Her career is ruined, and she didn’t even get to take home the prize.”

Airline Employee Who Fell Asleep In Turbine Carried Outside Plane From LA to NY

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A Delta airlines baggage handler reportedly fell asleep inside the turbine of an airplane that he was loading, headed from Los Angeles’ LAX airport to New York City. He somehow managed to survive the 9-hour, non-stop flight without falling out or suffering any injury.

“I was so exhausted after the damn holiday dinner my mother-in-law cooked,” said the employee, who asked not to be named. “I had to work the next morning at 2am, and when I got in, I barely remember loading up the first plane. By the time I was loading the second, I was exhausted, and I climbed up into the turbine, just to take a minute snooze. It was the only place I could think of that I wouldn’t be seen.”

The employee says that he climbed in there so he would not be caught sleeping on the job and fired, but the next thing he knew, he was in New York City, and was freezing cold.

“In LA, it was like 80 degrees outside,” said the employee. “When I woke up in New York, it was 10 degrees, and I’m laying in the turbine in shorts and a t-shirt. I was freezing. I hurried off as quickly as I could to get warm. I also saw that a picture of me inside the turbine from 40,000 feet was making its way around Instagram and Twitter.”

A representative for Delta said that the employee would not be fired, but would receive a 2-week suspension and re-training. They say they are just glad no one was injured.

Electricity To Be Shut Off For 4 Days Throughout Entire State of New York

Electricity To Be Shut Off For 4 Days Throughout Entire State of New York

NEW YORK, New York-

You may want to make sure that your tablets, cell phones, and laptops are charged up if you plan on staying in New York during the upcoming power outage. A letter will be sent to residents of New York in regards to a mandatory power outage that will take place in April 2015.

For at least four days, all power in New York will be turned off, and the state is urging residents to be prepared for the darkness.

“Work needs to be done on the power supply, lines, and power sources throughout the state,” said NY Power representative Richard Sweat. “To make sure that everything goes smoothly, all power servers must be turn offed during the procedure. Please understand that we have no choice in the matter; fully charge your devices ahead of time to avoid further issue.”

Fears of riots and looting are New York Governor Carl Gardner’s main concern during the power outage, and a curfew will be set to anyone living or visiting the Big Apple.

“We will be cutting off late-night travel throughout the state,” said Gardner. “No one will be allowed to roam once the sun has set. Candles will be provided for free at local grocery stores beginning at the end of March, and some stores will have government issued flashlights on sale for a low cost.”

The beginning date for the power outage hasn’t been announced yet, but will happen sometime in April of this year. It is advised to be prepared as soon as possible.

 

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

Airline Passenger Arrested After Causing Panic, Chaos During Flight

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Tragedy struck as chaos ensued aboard a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York last week when one man learned where free speech ends and endangering the safety of others begins.

The classic example of “shouting Fire! In a crowded theater” describes a situation in which one’s freedom of speech is limited to prevent unnecessary panic and disaster. Toward the end of the flight, a 24-year-old man looking for amusement shouted clearly: “Tacos! Check out the free tacos!”

Immediately the plane erupted into a clamor of yelling, panic, and frustration, as passengers left their seats and began frantically searching the plane for free tacos. The pilot, co-pilot, and flight attendants, all also rushed to search for the tacos, leaving the plane completely unattended. The man’s identity remains anonymous for his protection.

The shouter’s friend, who was sitting next to him at the time, told police that he tried to diffuse the situation, but frenzy had already consumed the flight. The plane eventually flew past its destination and crashed into the ocean, killing 3, and wounding 7 before help could arrive.

The man was convicted to only one month of prison, but was forced to buy each passenger a year supply of tacos from their store or chain of choice, and may serve up to ten years on taco probation, banning him from every Taco Bell and Fajita Grill in the country.

“It sucks for the people that died, but we got free tacos, so it’s pretty cool,” one passenger commented. “I hope this teaches him a lesson on how powerful words can be.”

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

NEW YORK, New York – 

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

NY Mets Ready to Forfeit Season; Spare Fans Heartache Of Multiple Losses

NY Mets Ready to Forfeit Season; Spare Fans Heartache Of Multiple Losses

NEW YORK, New York – 

Baseball owners of the New York Mets have called a meeting for Tuesday, February 17. Rumor has it that the owners will be making the unprecedented move of forfeiting the season. The reasons will be made clear on Tuesday, but many suspect the reasoning behind the move is to avoid New York fans getting their hopes up this year.

“The idea will likely be to spare the fans the disappointment that has been seen year after year in New York,” said New York Post columnist, Joel Sherman. “Every year the fans get their hopes up for a new season filled with new talent. Then at some point they remember that they are fans of the Mets, and everything falls apart. I think the owners would rather work on the team under-board and allow fans to get to their summer plans without worrying about the team or the standings.”

The idea to forfeit the season would not mean the team would not play, however. Rather, the players would simply not be required to show up, nor would the coaches be required to coach in their respective positions if they didn’t feel like it.

“Think of it as volunteer work at that point,” explained Sherman. “This does open up some fun opportunities for fans as well. If players don’t feel like taking the field, fans could volunteer their time and fulfill a dream of playing for the New York Mets. No pressure, just fun!”

If the press conference goes as planned, fans will be able to sign up online to be on call to take positions as needed. The system will work something like jury duty, with 20 fans being called at a time, who will then be widdled down to four who will sit on the bench or play in the field as needed.

Manager Terry Collins had this to say about the idea, “I like it. It takes the pressure off of me for this season. Realistically I had about half the season before they fired me. Now I can at least focus on getting the right talent ready for 2016, while fans get a chance to really enjoy the season. A 120-loss season won’t look so bad when we’ve already forfeited. Hell, 42 wins would look pretty good in that case.”

Man Files $2 Million Lawsuit Against NYPD Officers Who Stopped Him From Jumping Off Brooklyn Bridge

Man Files $2 Million Lawsuit Against NYPD Officers Who Stopped Him From Jumping Off Brooklyn Bridge

 

NEW YORK, New York –

Theodore Rigsby, 35, of Long Island, New York is suing the New York Police Department for $2 million, claiming mental anguish, wrongful life, and failure to be allowed to die freely.

On the evening of December 21, 2014, a woman called 9-1-1 saying that a man was standing on the railing of the historic Brooklyn Bridge, threatening to commit suicide. When officers arrived on the scene, they found Rigsby, who refused to be talked down by the officers. Officers Garret Miguel Cruz and Carmine Seinfeld sprung into quick action, leaping for the man and pulling him down off the railing and transported him to the 33rd precinct headquarters in Brooklyn. Rigsby then spent two weeks under constant mental evaluation at the Cloverleaf Mental Health Services hospital, and was then released.

Earlier this week, Rigsby hired a lawyer, Arnold C. Jacobson, and filed the wrongful life lawsuit against the NYPD. Jacobson said in a WNYC interview that his client was not treated fairly. “Mr. Rigsby and the great city of New York were dealt an unfair hand of ill-advised justice when officers prevented him from jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge,” Jacobson said. “My client was viciously attacked and manhandled as he was yanked off the railing. He suffered several bruises to the upper arm and now lives in a state of depression.”

Witnesses on the scene say they were greatly disapointed when the officers kept Rigsby from jumping, such as Leo Mansetti, 32, of Brooklyn, “Man, I was bored to tears and stuck in traffic, and then I pulled up next to this scene. A bunch of us were honking and cheering the guy on telling him to take one for the team and stuff like that ya know? Then the cops came and messed it all up. It sucked. But what else is new? That’s how the cops are here. Welcome to New York,” Mansetti scoffed.

 

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