Man Arrested For Assault After Filming Sex Acts With Stuffed Animals

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Theodore Ruxpin of Brooklyn, New York, was arrested by detectives of the New York Police Department’s Special Victims Unit after posting a video of himself having sex with his daughter’s stuffed animals.

NYPD spokesperson Juanita Cruz said that Ruxpin videotaped himself having sex with five different stuffed animals, and sent the video to several friends via email. One of the friends reportedly sent the video to police. New York state law says that any sexual act committed on a stuffed animal marketed toward children is strictly prohibited, and that offenders are to be charged with rape.

“The stuffed animals which Mr. Ruxpin sexually assaulted in the videos included a Hug-N-Oink Peppa Pig, a Let’s Imagine Elmo, a Tickled-Pink Minnie Mouse, a Puppy Surprise beagle, and a Disney Princesses Elsa plush from the movie Frozen,” Cruz announced. “The last of which was the most erotically disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force.”

“In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous,” said Detective Olivia Benson, of the NYPD Special Victims crime unit. “This is not something to be taken lightly, and here in the state of New York, we seek out those who are sick and twisted enough to commit these crimes, and bring them before the court of law. We will not tolerate sexual misconduct by any means, especially when the victim is totally incapable of consent, such as in the case of Peppa Pig, Minnie Mouse, and the others.”

Ruxpin is currently being held on $10,000 bail and faces up to 5 years for each object sexually assaulted, which adds up to a possible 25-year sentence in prison.

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ISLIP, New York –

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”

‘Super Rats’ Terrorize New York City

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

A new breed of ‘Super rats,’ immune to poisons and larger, stronger, and more aggressive than normal rats, have reportedly invaded the upper East Side on New York. Super rats are carnivores, and have so far been feeding on pigeons, cats, dogs, and other rodents but the US Department Of Health says they fear attacks on people could be next.

“The problem with super rats is officially out of control, we have known about rats plaguing the Bronx and Harlem for a while now, but when super rats start terrorizing the good people of the upper East Side, it’s time to do something about it,” said NYC Mayor Bill de Blaiso. “So today I am announcing a new tax, this additional one dollar “Super Rat Tax” on each and every pack of cigarettes sold in the city, will go to the safe and humane trapping of the super rats so they be relocated to New Jersey”

“He said what? If that communist thinks he can dump his rats here, he’s got another thing coming.” said Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor. “I’ll shut down the bridges! I did it before, I’ll do it again, I’ll take those super rats and launch them over the river so it rains rats all over the city night and day. I got one message for comrade de Blaiso: ‘sit down and shut up’, and don’t f*ck with Jersey.”

“Super Rats? I have lived in the upper East Side my whole life, and I have never seen a super rat. Hell, I’ve never seen a regular rat, if you can believe that,” said Carmine Classi, avid smoker, as he was interviewed on the street by WNYC-News 6. “Bill de Blaiso hates smokers, just like Bloomberg hated the fatties. Bill is an ultra-liberal nutjob who just wants to raise our cigarette tax again. He won’t be happy until no one smokes, and now he’s seeing rats? Well I got a message for Mr. Mayor, you’re the only r—…”

Unfortunately, Classi was attacked by a super rat mid-sentence, and was killed instantly. WNYC-News 6 reporters say they send their deepest regards to his family.

Jaywalking Charges In New York Have Increased To One Year In Prison

Posted on January 8, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to live in New York City, you may want to wait a little longer for that crossing light to pop up before trying to make it across the street. A new law being presented to the New York State Congress by lawmakers today states that anyone caught jaywalking within city limits will face extreme new charges, including fines and up to one full year in prison.

The decision was made after several years of studies on traffic accidents involving pedestrians, who in busy New York City will often rush through the city streets while texting, talking on phones, or just generally being ignorant of their surroundings. The city holds the record for the most jaywalking charges in the entire country, and the local government have been working closely with police to come up with a strict solution.

“You ever have a guy tell you to lick his bean bag because you gave him a jaywalking ticket?” said Officer Carl Brown of the NYPD. “I honestly love the idea of a person going to jail for jaywalking. Maybe it will show them some patience. People forget how big New York is, and how many people are in it. I’ve seen people get hit by cars while jaywalking, and if they just relaxed, took a second, and found a damn crosswalk, they’d have been fine. Once the law is in effect, I can’t wait to slap the cuffs on some idiot for crossing the street illegally.”

The law will start at an as-yet-undecided date in 2015, as officials work out final details. The city says that they fear if they began citing individuals for violating the law without warning, more than 90% of the city would be behind bars. Police officers are currently being briefed on the law in anticipation of the changes.

“We’re super excited for this to happen,” said Officer Brown. “I’m chomping at the bit to lock up some of these hardcore criminals.”

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

Posted on December 10, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’.

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

Homeless Man Finds $200,000 In NYC Trash Can

Posted on November 24, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

Perhaps one of the luckiest and most honest people on the planet, Berry Holden recently went from living on the streets of New York, to living on the streets of New York with a giant bag of cash.

Holden said that he had been homeless on the streets of New York City for over 20 years, until one lucky Sunday while he was in the park. As Holden was sleeping on a bench, he noticed a man pass by and throw away almost an entire sandwich into a nearby trash bin.

“I was starving, and needed something in my stomach. I just woke up as the man passed by, and it was perfect timing, because it was a roast beef sub, and I love roast beef,” said Holden. “When I went over to the trash can so I could dig out the sandwich, I had trouble finding it, so had to dig deep in the can to grab it. When I was digging I noticed a very large, heavy bag and lifted it out. When I opened it I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

Holden said that once he found the money, he forgot all about the sandwich – at least the discarded one.

“I went and bought myself lunch, a new outfit, and got myself a haircut. After doing all of those things, I went back to the park and tried to find the right full owner of the money,” said Holden. “I enjoy being homeless – that’s why I did it. It wasn’t drugs or booze or the stock market that made me homeless. I see normal people constantly pissed off and angry, and I remember being pissed off and angry when I worked all day. Now I have no commitments.”I would have left the cash there, but I was starving, and my clothes and hair were getting kind of gross. I’m still looking or the rightful owner. I’ve counted the money 4 times now, and it is about $200,000.”

Holden claims he will return the money to the rightful owner if he runs into them. In the meantime, he is still remaining on the streets and doesn’t plan to spend any more of the cash.

American Socialite, Entertainer Paris Hilton Found Dead Ends ‘Very Disturbing’

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Wealthy American socialite, actress, heiress, and entertainer Paris Hilton, 33, while left alone in her Beverly Hills mansion, said she found her ‘dead ends’ very alarming after showering and drying her hair.

Hilton discovered that she had fallen victim to what common-folk refer to as dead-ends, also known as split-ends, or Trichoptilosis. Trichoptilosis is caused by chemical, thermal, or mechanical stress to hair. Curling irons, excessive heat, and applications of hair coloring and/or perms may strip the protective layering off the outside of the hairs shaft while weakening it in the process, making it prone to split ends. Excessive combing is the most common culprit of mechanical stress to human hair, which, according to the heiress, was the cause of this terrible ordeal. “I just can’t believe it,” Kathy Hilton, the mother of the young socialite told Empire News. “I thought we raised our little girl better than that, to go around like that is just totally tragic.”

When asked about the alarming incident, Paris said that she had recently fired her personal hair stylist and figured she was smart enough to go at it alone. “How hard could it be to maintain a perfect head of hair? I have all the money in the world and I’m not a child anymore. But I guess I like, totally under-estimated the like, importance of having a personal hair stylist. This is like, absolutely embarrassing. I’m like, way freaked out. I thought I could make it alone out in the real word ya know? This is like, totally a life-altering ordeal.”

After discovering the terrifying disfigurement, Hilton made plans to hop aboard her private jet, and flew from Beverly Hills to New York City to meet with world-famous hair stylist Raphael Armand Gianni, where she plans to undergo immediate hair- rehabilitation.

Richard Hilton, the 59-year-old father of Paris told Empire News he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. “So what? the girl has split ends. Life is not exactly a walk in the park, not even if you are a Hilton. Tragic events will come and go and we just have to find a way to push through it. I’ve told her and told her that looking beautiful in public is one of the most important things she can do with her life, but not the only important thing. I truly believe Paris will indeed push through this, and find something else wrong with her if she takes a good look. Nobody is perfect, not even a Hilton.”

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NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

New York To Raise Cigarette Taxes, Prices Could Reach $25 Per Pack

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

With cigarette prices going up in cities all over the nation, it appears that New York will soon hold the crown once again as the state with the most expensive cigarettes. Cigarettes have been heavily taxed by state and federal regulators, with the cost increasing steadily over the past 20 years, but now New York will be adding an additional tax to them.

The decision was made after congress saw that New Yorkers were still buying cigarettes like crazy, even with their ridiculous prices. A study conducted by the state science board showed that people in New York spend more money on tobacco then they do on food year-over-year.

“Taxing cigarettes is a perfect way for us to earn money for our schools, for our roads, really for whatever we want,” said New York state representative Aaron Silver. “We might just use the money to have a big party at the State House. It doesn’t matter. People need their smokes, and they’ll pay whatever the cost.”

“In the long run, they’re just going to get what they want,” said New York smoker Jared Coff. “I don’t have time to drive into Jersey for my cigarettes, and even if I did the gas would equal the damn savings anyway. I might as well cut my losses and just pay whatever they’re asking. I hear that Camels, which is my brand, could hit $25 or $30 a pack. It’s a Goddamn racket is what it is.”

Currently, the average price of cigarettes nationwide is about $8, so New York’s new tax will essentially triple the cost of a normal pack. Prices in New York City tend to trend slightly higher already, at anywhere from $12-$14 for a pack of many major brands.

“What else can I do, really, except pay it?” said smoker Chris Moke. “I smoke, and the prices are going up. So they double? Whatever. You pay it, you bitch, and you move on. Really, that’s the only option, as far as I can see it. The price of milk has gone up a ton over the years, too, but I ain’t putting water in my cereal, ya know?”

According to a recent street poll, over 90% of New Yorkers say that they are against the new tax, but that they would still pay for their cigarettes. When the idea of just quitting was brought up, and overwhelming 100% said that the thought never crossed their mind.

Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

Posted on November 6, 2014 by DvanL

QUEENS, New York –

A Cincinnati, Ohio bound Delta Airlines flight, originating from New York’s LaGuardia Airport, was forced to make an emergency landing this morning, after a ‘violent episode’ occurred moments after takeoff.

The event was officially classified as ‘environmentally hazardous and life threatening’ by an on-board federal air marshal, who filed the following incident report:

A passenger seated near the rear end of the aircraft experienced an intensely violent episode of flatulence as the plane gained altitude. Oxygen masks were deployed and passengers throughout the cabin began to panic. It was determined that the best course of action would be diversion of [the] flight to the nearest airfield for an emergency landing. JFK International was contacted, clearance obtained, and emergency landing took place at 10:42 a.m.

Passenger Mark Theissen, seated behind the offending passenger, provided details.

“The woman in front of me started bouncing up and down right after we took off. I leaned forward and asked her if she was okay, and she said something about ‘her condition.’ The next thing I knew, there was this foul odor and all the masks came down. She turned back to tell me something but her seat snapped back and slammed me in the head. My eyes started burning and I blacked out.”

“People were jumping over their chairs to escape,” said flight attendant Becky Constantine. “My senior attendant went back to make people calm down, but she got stomped in the face! I hid up in the overhead ’til we hit the ground. Delta-Schmelta, I quit!” she said. “I’m going back to my job at Subway where it’s safe.”

The identity of the passenger was determined after the passenger manifest was released to the press. Former showgirl Cyprienne O’Malley, 70, was fingered as the woman responsible for the unfortunate incident.

Doctors call O’Malley’s disorder Gastric Abdominal Systemic Pancolitis (GASP). “GASP makes an already bad situation worse,” says Dr. Paul Hazelton, of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. “A sudden change in air pressure causes rapid release, and the path of least resistance is always the anus. The bunghole is Mother Nature’s little whistle-blower.”

“Many people suffer from this disorder, and to hide it is to deny it. I attend a support group called ‘Silence Is Deadly.’ It’s a place where we can all come together and air out our grievances,” said O’Malley. “This whole thing really blew up in my face. If I could take it all back, I would. Next month I’m going to attend the GASP National Convention in Pottstown, but I’m going to take the train.”

No charges were filed against O’Malley, but the airline is asking that she compensates them for damages, and donates an undisclosed amount toward the injured flight attendant’s hospital bills.

Amtrak officials have been notified of O’Malley’s upcoming travel plans.