Colin Kaepernick Says He’s Never Going To Stand Again, Period

sitting

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has taken a lot of heat this week after he didn’t stand for the National Anthem, claiming he was making a point about African-American struggles in the country. Now, though, Kaepernick is taking it a step further, saying that he plans to never stand again.

“It’s not going to be easy, and I fully know that,” said Kaepernick. “But the struggle is real for my black brothers, and so I’m going to do the world’s most intense sit-in. I’ll never stand up again if that’s what it takes for people to notice that African-Americans have it bad.”

Many criticize Kaepernick because he doesn’t know anything about the struggle of black America – or white America, for that matter.

“Yes, I am only half-black, and yes, I was adopted and raised by rich, white parents, but still, fuck whitey, and black power, or whatever,” he said. “Shit, all I know is that I’ll break my legs if it means I can sit down forever.”

Super Bowl 50 Garners Lowest TV Ratings In Event History

Nov 11, 2012; Charlotte, NC, USA; Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton (1) is hit as he throws a pass by Denver Broncos defensive end Derek Wolfe (95) and defensive end Robert Ayers (91) in the third quarter at Bank of America Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Super Bowl 50 took place on Sunday evening, and chances are, you didn’t watch it. In the 50 years of the event’s history, and in the 38 that it has been broadcast on television, Sunday’s Super Bowl event garnered the lowest ratings ever. at only 2 million viewers. Normally the event would be seen by nearly 45 million people across the country.

“Basically, we think the two teams that played just weren’t cared about enough for people to watch,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “If the Patriots had been in the game, then people would have watched, if at least just to see them cheat and try and get away with it.”

Normally the show is a ratings powerhouse, if not for the sporting event itself, than for the commercials and halftime show.

“That, too, is dying out, because frankly, these companies release their commercials onto YouTube before the game actually happens, so people have already seen most of them,” said Joe Goldsmith, public relations manager for the NFL. “I have no idea why, since they spend 5 million-plus just to air them during the game. And don’t get me started on the halftime show. I mean, you watch men slamming into each other, rough-and-tumble, hell of a game, and then boom, halftime and we’re watching…Coldplay? I mean, who the hell books these things?”

Goodell says next year he will work hard to make sure teams people care about make it to the Super Bowl.

“Even if I have to come up with new rules or something, whatever I have to do to get real, worthwhile teams and players into the Super Bowl, I’ll do it,” said Goodell.

Robert Kraft To Sell New England Patriots To Highest Bidder After AFC Loss

patriots

FOXBORO, Massachusetts – 

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.

“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”

Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.

“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”

The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”

“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”

Super Bowl 50 To Be Cancelled Over Possible Terrorist Attack

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SANTA CLARA, California –

The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.

“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”

According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.

“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

Peyton Manning Announces Retirement From NFL

 

DENVER, Colorado –

A true NFL legend has reported hat he will be calling it quits with his football career. Peyton Manning, the long standing all-star quarterback, has announced he will retire, effective immediately. The star player says he would like to thank everyone who has helped him in his journey.

“I stayed in it for a few more years than I wanted, trying to finish my season with a Super Bowl win, but I realized that I may not have the ability to do that,” said Manning. “I want to go out with some pride. I would love another ring but these young guys are getting better and better, and I just can’t keep up. I’m not Tom Brady, after all.”

The team appears to be supporting Manning on his decision, and the official announcement is that they ‘appreciate the time’ they got to spend with him. Coaches of the team say they are upset with the loss of their quarterback, but tell us they have faith in their team and will find a way to win.

“I’ve had a great career with great people, I won a Super Bowl, broke records, and even got to make pizzas. Not every QB can say the same thing, and I’m grateful to say that I have,” said Manning.

The Denver Broncos have not announced who will be replacing Manning, but sources confirmed that Tim Tebow was called in for a meeting with the organization.

“I cannot confirm or deny the reports that we have met with the Tim Tebow,” said Denver Broncos spokesman Gerald Dyster. “Peyton Manning has announced he would be leaving the team, but that’s all we know right now. He’ll be missed, no doubt, by any true fan of the game. Thankfully, though, we’ve all still got Tom Brady to watch year after year.”

 

 

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In ‘Depths of Depression’ Following Super Bowl Failure

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In 'Depths of Depression' Following Super Bowl Failure

SEATTLE, Washington – 

Pete Carroll’s final play call at the end of Superbowl XLIX confused many in attendance, and viewers watching across the globe. Now, it appears that a sort of serious depression has taken control of the coach.

“I first want to apologize to the fans of Seattle,” said Carroll in his open letter. “But in the end, it doesn’t even really matter anyway. What does a hunk of metal and glass really mean anyway? It’s only a game. Only the biggest game. It’s nothing. We’re all nothing, right? Just specs in the universe. Who cares?”

With seconds remaining on the clock, the Seahawks flubbed an opportunity for a seemingly simple run by Marshan Lynch, instead opting for a quick pass that was intercepted by the Patriots. The play resulted in the Seahawks failing to capture their second title in as many years. Many have since questioned why Carroll made the call he did.

“To everyone who wants to spend all their time talking about the play, I say spend your time doing something better. I mean, who cares? This is football. People are starving all over the world. We should put more time and effort into that and less into football. Way less. It’s just a game. Nobody cares. This is all over. There’s always next year. There’s always next year…”

While many fans have shown disdain for the remarks, some close to Carroll have voiced concern, stating that on top of the loss, the weather in Seattle may be partially to blame for the coach’s current mood.

“I’ve never heard him talk like this before,” said wife Glena Coranson. “He is usually rather chipper, and turning on some music, like the Eagles or Peter Frampton will pick him right up. But the last couple days, all he wants to do is listen to Nirvana and Alice in Chains. I think he might have SAD.”

Psychiatrist and Mental Health Specialist, Dr. Ingrid Houffheim, who has not treated Carroll, said the recent letter from Carroll should not be taken lightly.

“Given the magnitude of his mistake, I’d say it is important to keep an eye on him,” Houffheim stated. “Even before the play happened, you could see Carroll did not have positive body language. His reaction is one of a sad acceptance. While I cannot diagnose a person without speaking with them first, I would not be surprised if Carroll drew up that play as a sort of self sabotage. If he didn’t though, then damn, what a stupid move!”

 

Carroll's Reaction
Carroll’s Reaction To the interception by the Patriots

Netflix CEO Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

Netflix Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

LOS GATOS, California –

Netflix co-founder and CEO Rod Houston announced today that the on-demand streaming media giant has developed a new way of offering cable services to millions of Americans, which includes HBO, Showtime, The Movie Channel, all sports networks, including NFL Sunday Ticket and NBA Season Pass, among others for the unbelievably low price of $16.99 a month.

“Basically, we will have guys running around hooking up cable illegally, from house to house, and we’ll be the middle-man for content. But, I mean, if everyone is happy, is it a crime?” Houston said. “Aren’t you tired of switching back and forth between cable providers? Burnt out on the selections provided through Netflix streaming? Of course you are. Our selection is mediocre at best. Do you need more? Of course you do! I am pleased to announce that we have started our venture of becoming the only cable provider in the country, giving us control over everything! Well, that’s the idea anyway, not sure how we are going to do it, but it is a good idea.”

The confused reporters sitting in on the announcement apparently assumed the CEO had lost his mind, before he went on to explain why he’d really brought them all there, as the witty and clever Netflix lead-man went on to admit that he was joking about the whole thing.

“Ha! I got you guys again! I called this press conference strictly for the purpose of reminding each and everyone of you that the complete Friends series is now on Netflix, and what else do you need in your life but those goofy, nerdy, kinda-funny-but-the-show-was-pretty-much-shit Friends cast?!” Houston rambled. “Also, don’t worry, we are working diligently to close a deal to bring in the Muppet Show. It is a glorious time to be a Netflix subscriber!”

Irked reporters and spectators immediately cancelled their Netflix subscriptions, and switched to Hulu.

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL ‘Just Not Challenging Anymore’

Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady Announces Retirement, Says NFL 'Just Not Challenging Anymore'

 

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

After leading his team, like a fearless warrior against arrogant showboating thugs, to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions the Seattle Seahawks last night, four-time Lombardi Trophy winning quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL. The announcement came in an unscheduled, private press briefing, which consisted of only six people, including wife Gisele, head coach Bill Belichick, team owner Robert Kraft, and two reporters, at the team’s headquarters in Foxborough.

“While I am greatly honored to have been a key part of this incredible franchise, it is with bittersweet sentiment that I stand before you and announce that I have decided to end my career with a bang,” the fifteen-year NFL veteran said. “The game has just become too easy, it’s just not challenging anymore.  Look at this game film again. As you can see, I threw the two interceptions on purpose just to make the game more exciting. It was kind of like playing a toddler in Madden on XBox, and letting them get a ten-point lead so that the victory seemed more exciting. Today’s players just don’t have the skill-set or passion. When people start accusing you of deflating footballs, there is an issue.”

Brady, who is married to Brazilian supermodel Gisele Bundchen, completed a Super Bowl record of 37 passes, and threw for 4 touchdowns. He went on to discuss tenative future plans. “Well I think I am going to take some time to relax, enjoy my sexy wife, and eventually pursue a career in modeling to keep busy,” Brady stated confidently.

Belichick, who was standing with his back against the rear wall, stated that coaching Brady was a pleasure, but the team would move on without him happily. “Tom was a great quarterback for this franchise and I love him dearly, but it’s time for him to go. I am glad I had the opportunity to make him who he is. He couldn’t have done it without me.”

 

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

 

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – 

Bill Belichick’s image may be seen on more popular sports websites soon, as whispers across the Beltway indicate that the New England Patriot’s coach is now a recruitment target of the political elite.

With the Super Bowl fast approaching, many have their minds locked into the strategies and game plans that will be employed by the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks. However, according to sources, some big-wigs in the political realm have their eyes set on one particular mastermind for a wholly different reason.

“Bill Belichick would be a great ‘get’ for any political party,” a Capitol Hill source stated. “Think about it. Football is the new opiate of the masses, and you have an entire section of America, an important voting sector, that love that man more than their mothers. To harness the power of sporting fandom and translate it to politics would be a surefire way to gain footing in the political realm.”

His popularity isn’t the only reason Belichick is being sought after, though, according to the source. “The way he’s handled controversy with ease is the envy of many on The Hill. Most of the political elite can be brought down by a single scandal. But not Belichick.”

It is true that Belichick has somehow been able to remain relatively unscathed. In 2007, New England was caught taping opponents practices, and escaped with just fines. Now, in 2015, the Patriots were found to be deflating footballs. The latter controversy was all be squashed only a week after it was noted. Anyone can get away with a single controversy through nothing more than luck. However, the Patriots leader has now survived two without so much as a hint at resignation.

The unnamed source continued by saying, “Spygate showed he had what it takes to survive a political storm. But Deflategate is where he showed that he has that impervious spirit of politics, and is immune to the ire of the populous. That shows true talent and any part would be lucky to have him.”

When asked which party has attempted to court Belichick, the source laughed, stating, “I can’t think of a party that hasn’t offhand. Maybe the Boiling Frog Party in Colorado? Everyone wants him. They want to make him President. And if he’s even remotely interested, they will make it happen.”

Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

DENVER, Colorado – Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another  documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

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