NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

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NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NEW YORK, New York –

The NHL is excited to announce a new league they plan on starting this summer, and fans are saying it’s something that should have been done years ago.  It has been confirmed that June 2016 will be the first ever NHL Street Hockey tournament, and if all goes well it will be a permanent organization.

Teams and players will be scouted soon for the tournament, and for now it will be labeled as a summer all-star tournament as a test for an official league.

Representatives from the NHL think that this will be a billion dollar enterprise, but want to make sure that players and teams will have the stamina to play during the summer without interrupting the busy standard hockey season. The street league will entail almost the same rules as ice hockey, but will add in a few factors that will make the game even more exciting to watch.  One idea that has been batted around is adding small ramps in the playing field so players can get some air while going for a goal.

The league will also be open to professional rollerbladers and rollerskaters, assuming that those things still exist.

 

NHL: Anaheim Ducks Court Emilio Estevez As New Head Coach

ANAHEIM, California – NHL- Anaheim Ducks Court Emilio Estevez As New Head Coach

In an announcement this morning from the Anaheim Ducks’ general manager Bob Murray, the team has decided to part ways with current head coach Bruce Boudreau, and is seeking to replace him with a curious choice – actor Emilio Estevez.

The Anaheim Ducks started as a franchise in 1993, then known as the Anaheim Mighty Ducks, after being founded by the Walt Disney corporation. Disney, who later sold the team, based their club around their 1993 children’s hockey film The Mighty Ducks. In the film, Estevez plays a drunken lawyer who is (curiously) forced to perform community service as a pee-wee hockey coach after being arrested for DUI. Like most Disney sports movies, the rag-tag group of kids all eventually come together to win The Big Game in the end. Estevez, of course, learns the value of sportsmanship, and the credits roll.

Apparently Estevez acting as a hockey coach makes him the perfect candidate to coach the real Ducks now.

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“Over 20 years ago, Emilio Estevez showed the world that he could be an amazing hockey coach when he played Gordon Bombay in The Mighty Ducks series. He turned a bunch of misfit kids into a team, and that team went on to beat their rivals and win the championship. Then he did it again the following year when the movie version of the Ducks took on teams from all over the world,” Said Anaheim owner Henry Samueli.  ”We want Mr. Estevez to come on board as the coach of our real Ducks now, and take them all the way to a Stanley Cup championship.”

Estevez, who is a lifelong hockey fan, has no real experience coaching a team, professional or otherwise. In response to the offer, Estevez did say he would ‘consider the job.’

“I have never coached in my life,” Said Estevez in a statement released to the Associated Press. “I played a coach a few times. I’ve played a lot of things, from cops to criminals, to coaches, to a buns-taping jock in the Breakfast Club. As far as I recall, this is the first time anyone has ever offered me a job based on a role I once played. I would be a fool not to consider it.”

As part of the change, the Ducks are also going to be altering their name, reverting back to The Mighty Ducks, which they are now saying should never have been changed in the first place.

“We miss the name, we miss the ‘mighty.’ We definitely miss winning games. It’s been a few years now, so we’d like to have that happen again,” Said Ryan Getziaf, current team captain. “If Emilo Estevez wants to give up his long-forgotten Hollywood career to come and coach us, then that’s fantastic. I’ve always wanted to learn the triple-deke.”

Fans of the Anaheim Ducks had no comment, because no member of the press could find anyone admitting to caring about the team.

NFL To Take After NHL Hockey, Starting Use of ‘Penalty Box’ In 2015

NEW YORK, New York – NFL Takes After NHL Hockey, Starting Use of 'Penalty Box' In 2015

In a bizarre move in sports today, the NFL announced that starting in the 2015 season, the sport will incorporate a ‘penalty box’ for players who are flagged for fighting or other infractions during gameplay. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced the change to a group of players, coaches, and sports writers in a closed conference Tuesday morning.

“As all fans of the NFL and football in general know, we are the laughingstock of the sports world. For years we have tried to portray ourselves as hardcore athletes, the best of the best, all the while knowing that our players generally don’t have to run for more than 20 feet at a time, and that plays usually don’t last for more than 45 seconds before action is stopped, and the players stand around doing nothing.” Goodell said, with signs of tears forming. “Our boys play anywhere from 17 to 19 times a year, and that’s it. We need to toughen them up. So it is with this in mind, that we have instituted some changes to our calendars, and to our policies.”

Goodell went on to explain that fighting would now be just a short, 5-minute stint in the penalty box, and it would be encouraged by coaches during gameplay.

“We know that the NHL leads the way in real tough-guy sports. They fight, they punch, they’ve even stabbed each other with their skates – and all they get is a couple of minutes in a box. A box where they can gloat and cheer and get the fans behind them. That’s what we need in the NFL. Understandably, this is a big change from our current standing on the matter, where a player who fights on the field could be fined hundreds of thousands of dollars and possibly even released from their team and their contract. But damnit, this is the NFL, and we’re supposed to be MEN here!” Goodall bellowed to those in attendance.

He continued by saying that all stadiums were going to be required to build boxes on either side of the field, in a 7′x7′ area. The box is to be encased in plexiglass, and players should definitely punch, headbutt, and bang on it as often as possible when sent to the box during a game.

Players commented after the conference, stating that it was a great idea and a nice change to the game.

“It’s about time this sport toughened up a bit. This is definitely going to make this game more of the bloodsport that it always portrayed itself as, but could never really be because of stupid rules,” said a player for the Denver Broncos who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t wait to get out there and crack some f—— heads.”

The new changes also included a more expanded season calendar, which has teams playing from the beginning of August and end in March, with each team playing at least 5 times a week, for a total of 150 games per team, not including post-season games.

During the questioning period after the announcement, Goodell was asked about the possibility of these new rule and schedule changes increasing the already terrifying statistics of brain injury and concussions associated with professional football.

“Yeah, probably,” he said. “But damn if it won’t be a better game to watch now, huh?”

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