Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Scientist Says He Discovered Cure For AIDS; Reportedly ‘Very Simple’

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.

Kanye West Insists On Nobel Prize, Claims He ‘Brings Peace’ Everywhere He Goes

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper, songwriter, record producer, director, fashion designer, entrepreneur and now – world’s only chance for peace? Singer Kanye West has been on a rampage in the media the last several days, proclaiming that he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

“Obama won one, and he drops bombs on people. You give me a peace prize and I promise I won’t drop bombs on anyone, I’ll just drop killer beats. I’m tired of being snubbed for awards. Did Kanye win a CMA? No. Did Kanye win a Emmy? No. Do I deserve those awards? Of course I do, I’m Kanye West,” said West in an interview with Kanye West magazine.

“You drop my CDs in the Middle East, and people be too busy dancing, they won’t have time to fight. Kanye is about love, just ask Kim, if I can keep that giant booty happy, I can keep ISIS happy. It just makes sense. I deserve to win that peace prize thing. Kanye deserves all awards, because I’m a genius, and it’s only the haters and the racists keeping Kanye down. If I do a show in Jerusalem – peace! If I do a show in Afghanistan – peace! If I do a show in China – peace! It just makes sense. People don’t get it. Norwegians don’t get it. Wherever Kanye goes, peace and love follow. Except for Oakland, that always ends up in a shooting, but that ain’t Kanye’s fault.”

“I’m not sure who Kanye West is, but unfortunately for him, nominations had to be submitted by July,” said Hans Hammarskjold, chairman of the Nobel Prize committee. “We take all our prizes very seriously, and as for his reference to President Obama’s Peace Prize, we have asked for it back but the White House has not returned our calls.”