Kim & Kanye’s Baby North Confirmed To Be Actual Child After Several Month Study

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

North West, daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, has been the subject of much debate since her uncontrollable raging tantrum at the NYFW show in February, but scientists may have finally put the question to rest.

The theory that North West was a baby has been floating around for many months, but it was not until Samson Germaine, the head of the specialized North West Research Foundation, had the chance to observe her in person that it was confirmed.

“I suspected all along that the reason she was crying was because she was a baby. Many other suggestions floated around, ranging from Mr. West himself saying she was just standing up for him in the past to renowned behavioral psychologists pointing to her long-standing issues with anxiety from a turbulent stock portfolio.”

The theory was dismissed by his colleagues at first, but Germaine pressed on.

“I didn’t have much to go on other than a hunch, but I checked it out anyway. Sometimes you have to do things that way.”

Germaine says he followed the trio anywhere he legally could without “being too creepy,” until he overheard her father talking about changing her diaper.

“Well, when I heard that I thought: she’s certainly not elderly, and what other class of people wear diapers?”

After publishing his findings in a peer reviewed journal, the world immediately took to social media in disbelief, spreading the news almost within the hour. The mystery of why young North West cried at inopportune moments was finally solved, and the world rested a little easier.

Kanye West Doesn’t Believe Black People Exist

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

Shortly after confusing the world with his assertion that racism “no longer exists,” Kanye West has caused further controversy, by insisting that “black people are no longer a thing.”

Last week, West seemingly showed us his blinkered view of the lives of African-Americans, believing that because he has made it big, other black citizens do not face discrimination based on their color. But his latest quotes, from an exclusive interview with TMZ, have given us insight into the more bizarre ideas that the self-proclaimed genius holds.

“Black people are an outdated concept, used to divide the world,” he said. “Maybe once they existed, but in the 21st century we’ve got to accept that civilisation has changed. Everyone is now white.”

The controversial rapper was asked to explain the different skin tone and other physical differences of those who identify as Africans or African Americans.

“Physical differences don’t make someone different. What’s a bit of melatonin among friends? I can assure you that, as a white person, I’m willing to look past the superficial differences and accept that these people are white like me.”

Kanye went on to say that, not only did black people not exist, no race “other than whites or caucasians actually represent a factual construct”.

“Chinese people are white too, even though they may look shorter and have different eyes and hair types. Hispanic people? They’re even whiter. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about this language thing. Just because we don’t understand what someone’s saying don’t mean they’re not talking English.”

Towards the end of the interview, he startled questioners further, by admitting that he believes every man is actually a Kanye, and that every woman is a Kim.

“Don’t let them fool you with their fancy names for themselves. They’re Kims and Kanyes and don’t deserve to be treated differently.”

When asked where his daughter North fits in, he said, “Nori (North) is a unique construct. We have brought her into the world as a superhuman, and she cannot be measuerd in the same way as the rest of us. She is the first of many Norths.”

Too Fat to Fly? Southwest Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Body Size At Gate

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Tired of the person in the next seat having their extra-large love handles spill over into your economy seat? In an attempt to make things more comfortable for everyone, Southwest Airlines has announced they will be installing a ‘Check-Your-Comfort chair at the gate. Similar to the carry-on size check, the new chair will allow customers to see if they will fit in a single seat before they get onto the plane.

The company says that they hope that the seats will help save time and embarrassment for ‘any fatties who can’t afford first class.’ Frequent flyer Gary Weston, a fitness instructor from Tampa, Florida, says he is unsympathetic to obese people looking to fly economy, and thinks the new seats will be a great addition to the flight experience.

“Look fatty, your foopah or your gunt or whatever you want to call it, that shit doesn’t count as a ‘personal item’ unless you can shove it under the seat in front of you, and we know that’s not happening. It’s not the airline’s responsibility to accommodate everyone. Maybe skip a meal and hit the gym, and this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Sure, the airline can discreetly pass you a seat-belt extender, but if you’re the size of a damn grizzly bear, you’re should be forced to get a second seat. I don’t want to be squished any more than I have to because you didn’t skip the dessert bar at the Sizzler.”

Flight attendant Monica North, who works for a competing airline, says she wishes her airline would get on board with what Southwest is doing. “It’s embarrassing for everybody when someone doesn’t fit. Some leave the plane in tears so fast they forget their luggage in the overhead department. The last woman who couldn’t get the armrest down refused to get off the plane until security threatened to arrest her for delaying the flight. That Check-Your-Ass thingy they’re doing would save a lot of time for us, and probably spare people’s feelings.”

“So many airline passengers are in complete denial of their girth. With almost 90% of the country considered obese, you’d think people would realize that they might not fit in a seat that’s only 17″ wide. Quite often they get insulted when they are told at the gate they may not fit, and then act like they weren’t warned. Well, now you have the opportunity to see for yourself before you board,” said Southwest representative Mariah Easton. “If [a customer] does not fit comfortably in the Check-Your-Comfort seat, they will be forced purchase a seat upgrade or second seat, whichever they prefer.”

The new seat-check option will be made available for all domestic and international flights starting in February.