Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Good news for concerned parents, and great news for fans of certain types of entertainment. The rate of school shootings are reportedly decreasing across the country, while sales of all forms of metal music, as well as violent video games, continue to rise. The data presents the most damning evidence to date that aggressive music and gameplay don’t have a thing to do with violence among youth.

“We noticed the greater intervals between tragic shootings, and decided to look for data which might correlate,” said head researcher Karen Heilbrun. “Of course, we checked video game sales and metal album charting first – what emerged is the report we’ve presented, and I believe it confirms what many teens already knew, and their parents couldn’t be bothered to listen about – violent forms of entertainment don’t harm anyone.”

The music and virtual gaming industries have quickly embraced the findings, releasing press statements and marketing campaigns promoting how ‘extra violent’ or ‘extra loud’ they may be.

“I’m kind of disappointed to find out that none of those school shootings they blamed me for had anything to do with me,” said shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. “I mean, I certainly didn’t set out to cause anyone any harm, I’m just a performer. But once you start hearing something enough, you get to believing it. Turns out that music has nothing to do with kids killing other kids.”

While authorities are gathering to discuss what steps – if any – to take in response to the report, steadfast fans of the affected genres have vowed to remain loyal.

“We will stand for the cause of heavy metal until the end,” shouted Garth Sality, leader of fan group Heavy Metal Loves Us on Facebook. “Even if we have to die for it! Metal and video games go together like peas and carrots, and it has never been more apparent that those things are just entertainment, and nothing more.”

Members of the National Rifle Association have been especially vocal in their anger at these findings.

“Guns don’t kill people, heavy metal kills people!” said modern-day Moses, Christian Bale. “These findings will only make it more difficult for people to buy guns. With heavy metal and video games as scapegoats for gun crimes, there was someone to blame. Now they’ll go back to blaming the guns themselves. My God, they’ll probably even start blaming the person doing the shooting!”

President Obama Launches ‘Gas For Guns’ Exchange Program; Announcement Strikes Controversy

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  President Obama Launches 'Gas For Guns' Exchange Program; Announcement Strikes Controversy

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced this morning that President Obama will be launching a campaign similar to gun-buyback events of the past. The program, named ‘Gas For Guns,’ offers gun owners the opportunity to exchange their weapons, with or without legal documentation, for a $500 gas card.

“A date has not been set but it will more than likely take place in early January, just after the holidays, when American families need a little more assistance with living expenses than normal. The event will last two weeks. It  will be a really good avenue to help those in need while at the same time getting dangerous weapons off the streets,” said Earnest.

The exchange program, part of a master plan by President Obama to get rid of guns in the U.S., will give gun owners the opportunity to go to local police stations, firehouses, and in some cities “mobile exchange units” to bring in their weapons. Volunteer gun experts will be on-hand to appraise the firearms, although the gas cards will be valued at $500 regardless of make, model, style, or appraised value of the firearm. Even guns without proper documentation can be turned in.

“No questions will be asked, but we ask those that do have legal documentation to please bring it with your firearm. Those that do not will only be asked for their drivers licenses’ or state identification cards, which will then be copied. This process is simply for keeping track of the gift cards that are exchanged. The participant will then be given the $500 gas gift card, regardless of the appraised value, to be used at a local participating gas company. What is important is that we get guns off the streets and help those in need at the same time,” Earnest announced.

Guns which are handed over will be taken to a licensed gun manufacturing facility, which will be paid an undisclosed amount by the government per weapon, and will be  disassembled and discarded accordingly under ATF supervision while being fully monitored. Officials have said that many of the weapons, especially those with little to no value or that are in non-working order, will be melted down for their metals.

As gun control is a very controversial issue, announcement of the program has divided opposition even further. Gun advocate and Washington D.C. native Tom Gillispie told reporters after catching wind of the announcement, “This is absolutely ridiculous, they want just anybody to walk , pull out a gun, then trade it in for a $500 gas card? No matter if the gun is worth $50 or not? So a criminal with bad intentions can bring in a gun worth $100, get a $500 gas card, then trade the gas card for $450 cash then go buy an even more dangerous gun? This is the asinine apocalypse. This is exactly why our country is in a downward spiral. We will go further into debt and the bad guys will still have guns in the end, while those needing guns for protection will not. This is absurd. It is times like this I am embarrassed to be an American.”

Tourist Mary Carcepizzi, from Trenton, New Jersey  had quite a different take on the matter. “I think it is an excellent idea. That $500 may save a life in the future, and I am absolutely positive that will be the case for several of the guns turned in. They will be destroyed, as all guns should be, and for each one destroyed, that is one less unnecessary weapon we will have to worry about falling into the wrong hands. Obama is making the right call and I stand behind the program 100%.”

The official starting date and a list of participating gas companies and other details will be announced in late December.

 

New NRA-Backed Bill To Place 3 Day Waiting Period on Becoming Mentally Ill

WASHINGTON, D.C. – empire-news-NRA-backed-bill-would-place-three-day-waiting-period-on-becoming-mentally-ill

In a press conference this weekend, a group of house Republicans led by representative Joe Wilson announced a forthcoming bill which would place a three day waiting period on becoming mentally ill. The bill has the support of the NRA and has been praised by many gun-rights advocates as a common-sense step towards decreasing gun violence.

The bill would introduce a procedure whereby any American seeking to become mentally ill would have to announce their intentions to local law enforcement. From the time of their decision, citizens would then have to wait a full 72 hours before actually becoming mentally ill, giving law enforcement and local support systems plenty of time to prepare to deal with the issue.

Representative Wilson says this bill could help prevent most, if not all, of the gun violence which has plagued our nation for years.

“We’ve known for a while now that America has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem.” Said Wilson. “Well, it’s time we start taking concrete steps to help fix this.”

Later in the press conference, Wilson elaborated on the reasoning behind the bill, saying that people need to better understand the impact that becoming mentally ill can have on their lives.

“This waiting period might not be the perfect solution, but I think forcing people to sit and really think about whether or not they want to become mentally ill could help a lot of folks.” Said Wilson.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre has thrown the full weight of the NRA behind the bill already. In a written statement to the press, LaPierre said that this was an important step towards preventing future gun violence in this country.

“It would be too difficult and expensive to attempt to regulate guns through legislation, so we must begin to regulate mental illness.” Said LaPierre. “It’s time to start keeping mental illness out of the hands of people who could cause harm with it.”

Not everyone is excited about the new effort to impose regulation on mental illness, though. Eric Fontaine, a mental illness rights activist, says that the government has no business coming between a person and any mental illness they might want. Fontaine says the bill, “… would place an undue restriction on my ability to become mentally ill. What if I’m at a mental illness show and I decide I want to come down with schizophrenia right away? I shouldn’t need to get the government involved in that transaction, I should just be able to decide to hear voices and then start hearing them right away.”

“Besides,” Fontaine added, “Most mentally ill people are law abiding citizens. It doesn’t make sense to punish all of us just because of a few bad apples.”

While the bill would be a major step forward for mental illness regulation, some are already complaining that Congress must do more. Steve Winthrop, a mental illness regulation advocate, said that he wants a universal background check for anyone seeking to become mentally ill.

“We need to make sure that the people becoming mentally ill aren’t convicted felons, violent offenders or, even worse, mentally ill.” Said Winthrop.

Man Shoots Off His Own Foot During Open Carry Texas Rally

TEMPLE, Texas – Empire-News-Man-Shoots-Off-Foot-During-Open-Carry-Texas-Rally

Carl Bellows of Temple, Texas was taken to the hospital during an “Open Carry Texas” demonstration on Thursday afternoon after almost completely severing his foot when he accidentally discharged his AK-47.

Bellows was reportedly standing with another member of the Open Carry Texas movement during the rally, and they were both “talking excitedly, and [Bellows] was jumping up and down – really getting pumped up” said a witness to the accident.

“His gun just went off, and blasted him right in the foot. Those machine guns, man, they pack a wallop. His entire foot was pretty much obliterated.” Said the witness. “It was a real mess. Kind of like spaghetti and meatballs or something. That look. Anyway, I just thank God I wasn’t any closer. I might have been a casualty of progress, or something.”

Open Carry Texas is a group of gun-toting men and women so crazy in their belief in the 2nd Amendment that even the NRA, a group widely known for their hard-fought belief in guns and gun ownership, called them “downright scary.”

“This incident at the OCT rally, it only proves our point.” Said James W. Porter II, President of the NRA. “We like guns. Hell, we love guns, obviously. ‘From our cold, dead hands,’ and all that nonsense. But these people…These [Open Carry Texas] members are just out of their [expletive] minds. They’re seriously the worst kind of crazy. Just because we [NRA members] love owning guns, doesn’t mean we go out and show off our bazookas while getting our morning coffee.”

Open Carry Texas aimed their sights back at the NRA recently in a Facebook post, saying that the NRA doesn’t really know what their group even stands for.

The NRA has refused to learn for themselves how Open Carry Texas conducts itself other than what the liberal media and Bloomberg-funded gun control extremists have falsely portrayed.” Said the OCT in their post.

Bellows and his foot are not the first major casualties of the OCT’s war on showing off their weaponry. Recently several restaurant chains in Texas have placed restrictions on firearms being brought into their locations, including Sonic, Chipotle, Chili’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, Jack in the Box, and Applebee’s.

“No skin off my ass.” Said Bill Wallace, a member of the Austin chapter of Open Carry Texas. “If the damn Wendy’s don’t want me bringing in my assault rifles when I get my chili, then to hell with ’em. I just won’t buy their chili. I have every right to carry around a damn AR-15 if I want, and ain’t no damn fast-fooders (sic) gonna tell me I can’t.”

“What these Open Carry people don’t understand, is that they’re scaring people.” Said Michelle White, a resident of Temple. “I like guns. I’ve shot guns, and I grew up around them. I’m not anti-gun. But I don’t need to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my kid’s medicine and see some guy with a high-powered rifle strapped to his back. There have been a dozen shootings across the country in the last couple months. It just hits a raw nerve to see someone carrying like that in the open, on the streets. They’re not making any point carrying them around – unless you count looking like intimidating bullies with tiny [expletive] a point.”

At the time of this writing, no charges were being brought against Bellows for discharging his weapon in public, although police have said they will be looking into the legality and registration on all of his guns.

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