Idaho Man Wins $23 Million Lottery, Tells Wife He Is Leaving Her On Live Television

Posted on January 22, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ARCO, Idaho –

Have you ever witnessed something while watching live television that makes you ask yourself, “Did that really happen?“. Well, viewers of the KTVB Mid-Morning news experienced a truly bizarre, awkward case of the aforementioned scenario this morning.

Bill Gustafson, 44, and his wife, 43-year-old Naomi, of a humble small town named Arco, Idaho, were jumping for joy last night just after the WRKG News ended with the weekly drawing of the Super-Six Idaho Lottery. All six numbers matched the single row of digits on the crumpled up and mustard-stained one-dollar lottery ticket Bill had purchased at a quiet little convenience store called Grub, Gas & Go.

Mr. Gustafson reportedly called the lottery office just before the excited couple headed to Boise, and told them to have his check ready, that they would be there in three hours, probably less. As the couple arrived, waiting in anticipation at the scene was KTVB News field reporter Michelle Clark, along with her cameraman.

Gustafson and his wife walked in and briefly met with Idaho Lottery spokesperson Stella Marie Johanson. Johanson then proceeded to ask the couple if they would mind going on live television, where she would then present the ceremonial ‘big check‘. The couple agreed excitedly.

It was on live TV that things took a really awkward turn. Just after Gustafson was presented the over-sized check, Clark asked him what the couple planned to do with their big winnings. “Well, first of all I’m gonna divorce my fat ass, bitch wife! Hell, I don’t know why she’s still around anyway. She loves Ronald McDonald more than she loves me!”

Stunned by the announcement, Clark then laughed as if she was waiting for Mr. Gustafson to do the same, or offer a punchline. He never did. Neither did Mrs. Gustafson, who turned beet red. Mrs. Gustafson then smacked her husband across the face, which led to him beating his wife with the over-sized $23 million check. In the control room, KTVB quickly cut away from the scene, back to a visibly shocked pair of co-anchors on the set of the KTVB News who were barely able to hide their laughter.

As Clark told the story on the KTVB evening news, she closed with the famous saying, “When it comes to live television, always expect the unexpected when least expected, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The winning couple are reportedly getting divorced, and are fighting for custody of the over-sized TV check.

Government To Reduce Food Stamp Allowance Of Overweight Recipients

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), which Americans commonly refer to as the ‘Food Stamp Program’, has voted to reduce the monthly allowance of obese welfare recipients, according to body weight according to SNAP spokesperson Winston C. Douglas in an announcement earlier today.

Douglas said that after a vote was brought to the SNAP board of directors, that the group voted unanimously in support of the proposed measure in an attempt to fight obesity in the United States.

“An alarming statistic was brought to the board which stated that over fifty-percent of SNAP benefit recipients are grossly overweight, many of which are clinically considered obese. This, of course is major cause for concern with how the program is operated” Douglas said.

All SNAP recipients, including all who live in the household, will be ordered to take a physical as part of the new plan. Depending on results, funding could be drastically reduced for those who are overweight. A measure many suggest is long overdue, including New Jersey governor Chris Christie.

“I have to work in order to overeat,” the hefty governor said when asked about the new measure. “It’s a problem when the government is giving people money to sit on their lazy butts and just eat all day. It is about time something is done about this plague of people abusing the accessibility of welfare benefits.”

There are also those who think it is highly inappropriate to require welfare recipients to take a physical in order to receive their monthly allowance, such as Shantae Johnson, 32, of Cleveland, Ohio.

“Who the hell they think they are? Just because we poor means we can’t be fat? I think it’s wrong, and we deserve to get what is owed to us no matter how we look! People pay taxes for us to have that money to get whatever food we damn well please,” Johnson said angrily. “This is an outrage and we not gonna put up with the harassment! I don’t see them harassing rich people who are fat!”

McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

Dunkin’ Donuts To Debut New Fashion Line; Free Pants With Donut Purchase

Posted on August 15, 2014 by iamjoshjohnson

CANTON, Massachusetts –

The beloved treat that ‘America Runs On’ is going to be sharing face time with a new product. On Friday, Dunkin Donuts announced they will be starting a new fashion department, to debut with a pair of ‘revolutionary’ pants. The new pants will be given away with every dozen donuts purchased starting next week.

According to Dunkin’ Donuts, the pants are incredibly unique in that they are not only comfortable, but they expand with the owner. Using old NASA technology the pants will stretch without tearing or fraying. The slogan for the pants, “We Dare You To Grow Out Of ‘Em” was thought up by the chief marketing officer Paul Reynish. The CEO of Dunkin brands and Chairman, Nigel Travis, also chimed in saying, “It only felt right after we had so many customers complain about gaining weight on our delicious pastries. We had a lot of complaints about product going straight to customers hips, well here’s a new product that’s supposed to.”

The pants have been put through rigorous tests for strength, elasticity, and customer comfort. One of the tests was for waist elasticity, where the pants were loaded with trash bags full of donut holes until they could not hold anymore. This test was to show that it is not possible for the owner of the pants to outgrow them, no matter their weight or unusual shape.

“Another test was for customer comfort. Several randomly selected Dunkin’ Donuts frequent costumers were given the pants and asked to walk a mile. Although none of those chosen could finish the mile, the one setback of the pants was discovered,” said Travis. “Due to the material, and the closeness of the customer’s thighs, a few small crotch fires broke out from friction. No one was hurt, and this unfortunate inconvenience has been worked out. A second drawback of the pants is that in order to stretch properly, they cannot have pockets but instead have built in fanny packs where pockets should be. Designers all added donut holsters on each hip.”

These pants will come in jeans, slacks, velvet suit pants, corduroys, and even overalls. The company expects these additions to boost sales dramatically. The pants will go on sale the week after the dozen donut giveaway at $9.99 a pair, or a free pair with every order of 3 dozen donuts. The company’s profits are up 36% according to the Wall Street Journal, and they are expected to rise higher with the new sales opportunities.