Ohio Woman Kills Alligator Using Only a Plastic Butter Knife

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CLEVELAND, Ohio – 

The Ohio river is known for its vast selection of weird fish and creatures in the water. People have reported seen everything from small, fresh-water sharks to barracuda. It seems that you can now officially add alligators to that list.

On September 20th, Ben Shoemaker and his family were swimming in the Ohio river when they noticed something in the water.

“It was an abnormally hot and humid day so we decided to take a dip,” said Shoemaker. “At first I thought it was a log floating along the fiver. The sucker must have been at least 9ft long, he was huge.”

The same day, Cleveland local Lauri Dukes was picnicking in River Park when she spotted the behemoth ‘gator sunning on the park’s shore.

“The only weapon I had was a plastic butter knife from my lunch,” said Dukes, 38. “I was was using it to spread mayonnaise on a sandwich, but I realized this ‘gator was a threat to the community, so I killed it with a swift stab through the eye.”

The Ohio Parks Service noted that people should not approach dangerous animals when they see them, and that Duke is lucky that she wasn’t injured or killed.

“Oh, hogwash, total hogwash,” said Ms. Duke. “That thing wasn’t going to hurt me, but it could have hurt some young child or a family. No way, you have to act and act face when you see danger. Now my family will be receiving Gator skin boots for Christmas this year, too.”

At least 17 Bodies Found In Ohio River Near Henderson, Kentucky

empire-17-bodies-found-ohio-river-dexter-killerHENDERSON, Kentucky –

A mass burial ground was discovered by divers near Henderson, Kentucky yesterday, after a local man walking his dog had alerted police that he thought he saw someone floating down the Ohio River.

Police searched the area, and discovered at least 17 bodies in different stages of dismemberment and decay. The bodies were all found wrapped individually in plastic bags.

“This could be the most prolific, active serial killer in the United States.” Said Captain Owen St. Pierre of the Henderson police department. “Two of the bodies identified so far have been determined to have extensive criminal records; we are considering the possibility that these murders could be inspired by the television series Dexter.

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Dexter, which ran for several seasons on the cable network Showtime followed the story of a serial killer who only killed criminals.

Several attempts were made to resuscitate at least one of the dismembered bodies, with no avail.

“Kentucky law requires that an attempt be made to resuscitate if possible,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a member of the search and rescue team.  “I know it seemed to be a long-shot, given the body was in several different pieces, but they require us to make an attempt.”

Currently, police are considering all possible leads in their investigation, and so far have questioned several higher-ranking members of the prominent Kentucky Mafia, as well as leaders of both major street gangs. So far, their efforts have turned up no new information.

“We will work tirelessly on this case until we see that the person or persons responsible are prosecuted to the fullest extend of the law.” Said Captain St. Pierre.

Names of the identified bodies were not made available, pending notification to the families.

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