Man Who Died In Haunted House Not Discovered For Weeks – Everyone Thought He Was ‘Very Realistic Prop’

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Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

An elderly man who died while visiting a New Hampshire haunted house almost a month ago was not discovered until last night, after a young child was brave enough to walk up and touch what he thought was a dummy.

“Brian was trying to be brave, because we told him the house was just in fun, no one was really dead and it wasn’t real scary stuff, just pretend,” said Maria Downs who, along with her husband Michael, were taking their 7-year-old son to his first haunted house. “He saw the man in the corner. We thought it was a dummy, so we laughed. Brian bravely walked over to touch it, so he could see for himself that it wasn’t real. As soon as he put his hand on him, Brian turned and ran out of the house screaming.”

When the Downs family took a closer look, they realized that their son had just touched an actual dead body.

According to police, Phil Richards, 80, had gone through the house by himself during early October, and had apparently died of a heart attack.

“No one realized, because he looked kind of plastic and fake,” said police chief Mario Jones. “The owners never saw it; they didn’t go through the house themselves as they were too busy working the front, and the guests all thought the smell was from the fog machines pouring through.”

The owners say that they will be “more vigilant” in checking for dead bodies next year, but they are planning on offering a discount on Halloween night to anyone who wants to go through their haunt and see where the body was.

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

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PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald. 

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“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

MIAMI, Florida – Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

Joe Pruitt, a 74-year-old Miami resident, used to enjoy waiting in line for his prescriptions at the pharmacy every month. He considered this ritual of getting his Xanax, pain-killers, and Viagra as a pleasant experience, and he’d go home immediately to wash down his pills with a gin gimlet. He says that his trip to the pharmacy served as a comfort, to fill the empty void of his life as a retiree with kids who resent him and never call. All of that changed last month when a pharmacy employee did the ‘unthinkable.’

“That young whipper-snapper must have too many holes in her head from all those piercings. She told me that the doctor had not called in my prescription,” Pruitt said wringing his hands in anger. “Then she wouldn’t even check the bin for my bloody prescriptions, claiming she was ‘too busy’ and to come back later.”

Fuming and confused, Pruitt says he drove all the way home, up hill both ways, to call his doctor from his landline home phone. After waking from his regular afternoon nap, Pruitt says something ‘unbelievable’ happened.

“Around 5 pm, I went back to get my pills. The damn nine-to-fivers were rushing the pharmacy, and I had to wait in line for over thirty minutes,” said Pruitt. “That is when it came to me. A nice lady named Anna Smith, who was waiting in line to pick up an prescription enema for her son, was the first to hear of my new plan.”

“He was kind of making me uncomfortable,” Smith said, “and he was sort of mumbling to himself incoherently about robots and machines, and the ‘kids today.’ I was just hoping he wasn’t about to have a stroke.”

Although Smith says she was just scared listening to Pruitt talk, she should have listened a little closer, because Pruitt was describing an invention that may well revolutionize an entire industry.

“My idea is a machine that can help us all. I’ve invented an automatic, electronic pill dispenser. The pills are pre-filled by a doctor or whoever controls the meds these days – a politician, I guess – then all patients have to do is insert a card with their prescription on it. The machines reads it, and pills are dropped from inside. Kinda like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from a vending machine, or for us old-timers, a pack of smokes.”

When Pruitt was asked whether or not he minded that he would be destroying jobs in the pharmaceutical industry, he seemed to not really care about the welfare of the next generation.

“That pharmacist’s job was just to put little pills into a bottle, and she couldn’t even do that right. Now she will be out of a job because, and I’m glad for it. Who needs these young ankle-biters when you can have a perfectly good machine to do the same job, only more effectively? This will teach them young ‘uns to get between me and erections or my naps,” Pruitt said, cackling in a creepy old-man kind of way.

With Pruitt’s new fortune he plans to put thousands upon thousands of pierced and tattooed millenials out of their jobs, and he can’t wait start on his next big idea – creating robot replacements for Starbucks baristas.

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