Johnson & Johnson Announce New Tylenol With THC To Hit Market In Select Cities

Ad

tylenol

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Johnson & Johnson, the makers behind Tylenol pain reliever, announced today their intentions to begin selling their name-brand product with a THC additive. The company says that along with helping in pain relief, the THC also creates a “mild euphoric effect,” which can help patients in chronic pain.

“We’ve been studying the effects of marijuana, and its active ingredient, THC, for many years,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Hal Williams. “When combined with acetaminophen, the active ingredient of Tylenol, THC will work wonders in helping patients in long-term, chronic pain, to get some relief.”

Williams says that the company will only be marketing the product in places where medical or recreational marijuana has been made legal, but that they hope that, within a few years, they will be able to sell it openly, over-the-counter, everywhere in the United States.

“America has made leaps and bounds in legalizing marijuana and THC, specifically, but we’re not all the way there yet,” said Williams. “Johnson & Johnson definitely supports the efforts of groups looking to legalize, and we openly support the idea that this plant can be used as a medicine to treat many diseases.”

AMA Says They Are Removing Fibromyalgia From Official List of Medical Diagnoses

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

The American Medical Association has released new information about the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, saying that they no longer believe that the disease actually exists.

“The doctors of the American Medical Association are constantly studying and working to research new and existing conditions, and over the year, Fibromyalgia has been a constant area of strife between medical professionals,” said AMA chairman Dr. Richard Kimball. “While many doctors claim that Fibromyalgia is a real disorder, after decades of study, we have decided to remove it from the official list of medical diagnoses, as research has proven that it does not actually exist.”

Although doctors generally agree that the pain experience by patients diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is very real, the actual reason behind it is not. As muscles, joints, and many other body parts contain a type of “memory,” it is believed now to be past or prior pain, both emotional or actual, physical injury, that causes the extreme discomfort suffered by Fibromyalgia patients.

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

“Fibromyalgia is basically a cop-out, if you will, for undiagnosable pain,” said Dr. Kimball. “When a doctor cannot find a reasonable explanation for the extreme pain suffered by a patient, they deem it Fibro, and that’s just not right. We need to further examine the causes of these pains. The muscles, the nerves, the bones – they all play a part in our health, as well as our frailty. Writing off phantom pains as a single disease is not only foolish, it could cause further harm to a patient who is not properly treated.”

According to Dr. Kimball, people currently being treated for Fibromyalgia should schedule a new appointment with their physicians and discuss alternative options. Currently, patients who receive disability benefits from the government after being diagnosed with extreme cases of Fibromyalgia will not be affected, although patients currently awaiting benefits will be denied claims.

 

Scientists Prove Plants, Flowers Capable of Feeling Severe Pain

plants

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

In a letter to the Academy of Science, MIT scientist have proven beyond a shadow of doubt, that plants feel pain. This study will have far reaching consequences and will clearly change the way we view our world. 

”What started as a classroom project for undergraduates turned into a 6 year study with over 100 experiments conducted and 7 patents on new testing equipment,” said MIT scientist Phillip Peters. “It’s a little unnerving when you are able to hear the sound of grass crying out in pain after a fresh cut. Tests prove that the pain a strawberry bush feels when a berry is picked is equal to that of a human woman miscarrying. It’s brutal.”

“This study has proven to be life changing for my students and myself,” said Dr. Jose Fresco. “Of the 10 students, now graduates from the program, that worked on the study from the start, 3 have killed themselves and 6 have become shut-ins. The 10th is missing, and is reportedly traveling through the recesses of Asia on a drug-fueled quest to find God. This discovery has ruined lives, and we were hesitant to release this information…but all those vegetarians out there need to know the true pain they’re causing.” 

A sad result of the released study is that hardcore vegans all over the world are slowly starving to death. “Being a vegan is not a diet, it’s a way of life, and I will not eat or wear any animal products or eat anything that feels pain,” said Sally Myers, a self-righteous twat we talked to about her stupid way of life. “I’ve been reduced to only drinking water, but at least I will die with a clear conscience.”

 

Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills; Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

PHOENIX, Arizona – Pharmaceutical Company Mixes Up Aspirin, Birth Control Pills Public Urged To Check Medicine Cabinets

If you used Estroblokitol birth control pills or reached for a bottle of generic brand aspirin during the months of October, November, or December 2014, doctors and pharmacists urge you to contact Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals immediately.

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals admitted today that a labeling error at their Mexico packaging facility caused as many as 6,000 bottles of aspirin, and 3,000 dispensers of birth control pills to be mislabeled – some aspirin were in fact birth control pills, and vice-versa.

Several thousand bottles of generic pain reliever were shipped from the Tijuana, Mexico packaging facility to regional centers across the United States, but authorities are about “83% confident” that the affected products were confined to the greater Phoenix area.

Dr. Lita Hürstvatter, of Phoenix’s St. Joseph’s Hospital, issued an urgent appeal to women across the country – not just from the greater Phoenix area – to immediately bring unused Estroblokitol pills to their health care provider or clinic for examination.

“It is important that we find any women who were mistakenly given aspirin in place of an oral contraceptive, as well as men or women who thought they were taking a pain reliever, when in fact the were issued a birth control hormone. Estroblokitol is a federally controlled substance, and contains potentially dangerous substances, available only with a doctor’s prescription.”

The seriousness of the situation has not escaped the attention of lawyers eager to make their mark on what could prove to be the largest class action suit in history. “Unplanned pregnancies that may result as a consequence of this mistake are just the tip of the iceberg,” said legal consultant Maxine Bleedom, former partner in nationally known personal injury law firm Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn. “This is huge, and I want in on it.”

Filip-Ashher Pharmaceuticals is taking necessary steps to address all potential cases individually. Anyone who has a prescription for Estroblokitol, as well as anyone who has taken any generic or dollar-store brand of aspirin, are urged to direct questions and concerns to the company’s nationwide toll-free hotline, at 888-276-6760 to obtain a case number and entry into a confidential nationwide database.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.