Toddler Overdoses On Pop-Tart Pastries

CARLSON, Texas –

Parents of Ricky Frappier never thought the boy’s favorite snack could be deadly. The 6-year-old boy allegedly got into the snack cabinet at nine in the morning on Friday before his parents had woken up. His mother, Celina, found him unconscious on the kitchen floor surrounded by more than twenty pop-tart wrappers and a mess of uneaten crust.

Celina promptly called 911, and EMTs suspected he had gone into a diabetic coma. “We didn’t know he even had the diabetes. Sure he was a little husky like me and his dad, but I figured a growth spurt was bound to clear that right up.” Social workers are concerned that he did not have a healthy diet, and Ms. Frappier has agreed to attend voluntary nutrition classes.

“What was I supposed to do, starve him? All he’ll eat is chicken nuggets, french fries, hot dogs, toast, and Pop-Tarts. I can’t stand it when he screams, so I just end up feedin’ him what he likes. Things are changing once he gets outta the hospital though. You bet your ass they are.”

The boy’s father, Bucky Rogers, says he’s seen this kind of thing before, but did not know it could happen to his son. “Had I known I would’ve put a pad lock on that damn snack cabinet. It’s like this goat we had when I was a kid. It got into its feed and just kept eating till he died. We usually sleep till noon, and Ricky makes his own breakfast. I’m just glad Celina found him when she did. From now on, I’m keeping the snacks out of his reach so he doesn’t end up dead.”

CANTON, Massachusetts –

The beloved treat that ‘America Runs On’ is going to be sharing face time with a new product. On Friday, Dunkin Donuts announced they will be starting a new fashion department, to debut with a pair of ‘revolutionary’ pants. The new pants will be given away with every dozen donuts purchased starting next week.

According to Dunkin’ Donuts, the pants are incredibly unique in that they are not only comfortable, but they expand with the owner. Using old NASA technology the pants will stretch without tearing or fraying. The slogan for the pants, “We Dare You To Grow Out Of ‘Em” was thought up by the chief marketing officer Paul Reynish. The CEO of Dunkin brands and Chairman, Nigel Travis, also chimed in saying, “It only felt right after we had so many customers complain about gaining weight on our delicious pastries. We had a lot of complaints about product going straight to customers hips, well here’s a new product that’s supposed to.”

The pants have been put through rigorous tests for strength, elasticity, and customer comfort. One of the tests was for waist elasticity, where the pants were loaded with trash bags full of donut holes until they could not hold anymore. This test was to show that it is not possible for the owner of the pants to outgrow them, no matter their weight or unusual shape.

“Another test was for customer comfort. Several randomly selected Dunkin’ Donuts frequent costumers were given the pants and asked to walk a mile. Although none of those chosen could finish the mile, the one setback of the pants was discovered,” said Travis. “Due to the material, and the closeness of the customer’s thighs, a few small crotch fires broke out from friction. No one was hurt, and this unfortunate inconvenience has been worked out. A second drawback of the pants is that in order to stretch properly, they cannot have pockets but instead have built in fanny packs where pockets should be. Designers all added donut holsters on each hip.”

These pants will come in jeans, slacks, velvet suit pants, corduroys, and even overalls. The company expects these additions to boost sales dramatically. The pants will go on sale the week after the dozen donut giveaway at $9.99 a pair, or a free pair with every order of 3 dozen donuts. The company’s profits are up 36% according to the Wall Street Journal, and they are expected to rise higher with the new sales opportunities.