WATERTOWN, Connecticut –
Jerry Newbury, 29, is currently trying to sue the state of Connecticut, saying that polygamous marriage should be made legal, at least in special cases like his.
“I was born with two penises, and therefore, I should be allowed to marry two women,” said Newbury, a construction worker in Watertown. “I have never been sexually satisfied just having one woman, but this isn’t even just about the sex. This is also about love. I’ve met two beautiful, amazing women, and they both want to marry me. This is a quest for love!”
A lawyer for Newbury, Martin Preston III, Esq., argues that “the time for polygamy” has come.
“We have interracial marriage, we have gay marriage. I think it’s time that if a man wants to marry multiple women, he should be allowed,” state Preston. “This man is doing a brave service. Think of how hard it is having one, bitchy, nagging wife. Mr. Newbury wants to take on TWO! Imagine how painful this will be for him when their cycles inevitably match up? It will be torture.”
So far, the judge on the case has not made any formal ruling.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Rick Morris, head curator for the Smithsonian Museum, announced that their latest acquisition was from recently departed magazine magnate, Hugh Hefner – but this item is not a standard piece from his mansion or his offices.
The Smithsonian has acquired from Hefner’s estate his actual, severed penis, which was removed during autopsy and has been dipped and preserved in 24 karat gold.
“This is one of our biggest acquisitions as of late,” said Morris. “Both physically, and in purchase price. The emblazoned 9 inches cost us a record $2.9 million dollars.”
The money was paid to Hefner’s estate, and will reportedly be used to pay some outstanding legal fees and taxes, with the remaining being divided by his heirs.
The penis becomes part of the permanent display in Washington, D.C. on October 31st.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
According to an unnamed ex-girlfriend, Vice President Mike Pence has been addicted to “penis enlargement” pills for the better part of 30 years.
“He started taking them when we were together,” said the unnamed woman, who claims to have dated Pence for ‘about 4 years’ in the early 80s. “He was so upset by the underwhelming size of his member. He knew that I’d dated some black guys when I was in college, and he was obsessed with measuring up. Unfortunately, they never seemed to do any good.”
The woman would not elaborate on the exact size of Pence’s penis, but did say that it was ‘among the tiniest’ she had ever seen.
“He used to eat the damn pills like candy. It was kind of disturbing, to be honest,” said the ex. “I never complained about his size to him, or about our sex life, but he still couldn’t stop taking them. What the man really should have been taking is Viagra. He never could keep it up around me. I often wondered if he was secretly gay. But he hasn’t tried to electroshock himself that I know of, so that last part is probably just speculation.”