Hugh Hefner’s Penis To Be Gold Plated, Placed on Display at Smithsonian Museum

hef

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Rick Morris, head curator for the Smithsonian Museum, announced that their latest acquisition was from recently departed magazine magnate, Hugh Hefner – but this item is not a standard piece from his mansion or his offices.

The Smithsonian has acquired from Hefner’s estate his actual, severed penis, which was removed during autopsy and has been dipped and preserved in 24 karat gold.

“This is one of our biggest acquisitions as of late,” said Morris. “Both physically, and in purchase price. The emblazoned 9 inches cost us a record $2.9 million dollars.”

The money was paid to Hefner’s estate, and will reportedly be used to pay some outstanding legal fees and taxes, with the remaining being divided by his heirs.

The penis becomes part of the permanent display in Washington, D.C. on October 31st.

VP Mike Pence Reportedly Addicted To ‘Penis Enlargement’ Pills

pence

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to an unnamed ex-girlfriend, Vice President Mike Pence has been addicted to “penis enlargement” pills for the better part of 30 years.

“He started taking them when we were together,” said the unnamed woman, who claims to have dated Pence for ‘about 4 years’ in the early 80s. “He was so upset by the underwhelming size of his member. He knew that I’d dated some black guys when I was in college, and he was obsessed with measuring up. Unfortunately, they never seemed to do any good.”

The woman would not elaborate on the exact size of Pence’s penis, but did say that it was ‘among the tiniest’ she had ever seen.

“He used to eat the damn pills like candy. It was kind of disturbing, to be honest,” said the ex. “I never complained about his size to him, or about our sex life, but he still couldn’t stop taking them. What the man really should have been taking is Viagra. He never could keep it up around me. I often wondered if he was secretly gay. But he hasn’t tried to electroshock himself that I know of, so that last part is probably just speculation.”

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