Coca-Cola To Bring Back Original Recipe Soda Made With Cocaine

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

For years, Coca-Cola has been the only company in the world with government licensing to import the coca plant, the same one used in making cocaine, for use in their products. The company literally “de-cocanizies” the plants, and uses natural extracts of them to create the “natural flavors” of the soda. All that changes, though, next month, when Coca-Cola brings back their original recipe, which no longer takes the cocaine out of the coca plant.

“Back in the day, the original recipe for Coca-Cola called for actual cocaine extract, as it was a medicine and not a drink,” said company CEO Reed Sterling. “We plan to bring back that original recipe, and market it as a beverage. In this day and age, kids are looking for the next hot, new beverage. We believe Original Coca-Cola will be that drink.”

Sterling says that the normal price of the beverage, which is approximately $2 on average for a 2-liter, will, of course, drastically increase.

“Unfortunately, with these awesome changes we’re making, a market increase will naturally have to occur,” said Sterling. “The current average price of $2 will be closer to $30 based on the amount of cocaine we will be using per batch, per bottle, but we really feel that our consumers will enjoy the taste of what we’re calling Coca-Caineola.”

The new beverage is expected to hit shelves next month, in direct competition with PepsiCo’s new Pepsi 1893, which is made with real kola extract and natural sugars.

Pepsi Announces New Version Of Cola With 50-Times Sugar Content Called Pepsibetes

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MIAMI, Florida –

PepsiCo, Inc has announced another new product that they plan to launch later this year, following in the footsteps of their 1893 brand, which uses real kola nut in its processing. Now, the company says they plan to launch a version of their original cola that has 50 times more sugar than their original blend.

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“Pepsibetes is going to be, essentially, more sugar than anyone should ever consume in one sitting,” said Pepsi spokesman Rick Harris. “It’s delicious, and totally sweet. We have spent years developing this particular recipe in hopes that people will enjoy a new, amazing drink that will really kickstart your day.”

The caffeine content of the soda is expected to also increase, but Pepsi is reportedly not planning to market the drink as an energy beverage.

“We just want another soda option out there, to give someone who maybe hasn’t had a Pepsi in a while a new reason to buy our soda again,” said Harris. “Be sure to keep your insulin at hand, though, because this soda will turn your blood into paste.”

Anonymous Bidder Spends $3.5 Million On ‘Share A Coke With Trump’ Bottle

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

An anonymous online bidder on eBay has reportedly paid over $3.5 million for a bottle of Coca-Cola with the slogan ‘Share a Coke With Trump’ written on it. The bottle, which comes directly from the Trump campaign, is reportedly signed by Trump, and all proceeds go “back into the campaign,” the auction said.

“I am extremely honored that someone would donate that much to my campaign, and I am glad that because of the way that we set up this auction, it is completely legal and totally tax free,” said Trump. “Because the donator was so generous, I will also be sending him a 12-pack of Coca-Cola cans, so that he can enjoy the smooth taste of the best soda on the market.”

Coca-Cola stock dropped to all-time lows after the announcement, with most people falsely assuming that Coca-Cola sponsored The Donald. A spokesman for Coca-Cola says that there is “no way in hell” that they support Donald Trump, and that the company does not make its political leanings known, except to remind people to always vote Coke over Pepsi.

Waitress Fired For Throwing Coke In Man’s Face; Man Claims He’s Blinded From Assault

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DELUTH, Iowa – 

Former Ruby Tuesday waitress Cassandra Stephenson says she should not have been terminated after dumping a glass of Coca-Cola on a patron. Bobby Gagne says he plans to sue the restaurant chain, as he now says he’s lost sight in both eyes from the sugary drink.

Stephenson admits telling other servers Gagne had annoyed her, but says she did not mean to dump the drink onto him. “He asked for a Pepsi, and I said, ‘We have Coke – is that ok?’ He sighed, like it was the biggest inconvenience of his life or something. I hate people like that. I didn’t do it on purpose though. It just slipped!”

Gagne says Stephenson gave him a meaningful look before dumping the coke. “She said ‘Here’s your Coke,’ sort of sarcastically, and I thought, ‘this bitch isn’t getting a tip.’ I wasn’t expecting her to dump it on me though. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people these days. I have been blinded by this woman. I’m suing her, the restaurant, and hell, I may even sue Coca-Cola because of this fiasco! How harsh is this stuff?!”

Doctors say that it would be nearly impossible to be blinded by Coca-Cola, despite its harsh chemicals and use in cleaning auto parts and rust from metal. Lawyers for Stephenson protest that Gagne is a “serial asshole” who has sued more than 200 people or establishments in his lifetime.

Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca-Cola to Make Themselves ‘Look Good’

Revealed: Pepsi Actually Produced by Coca Cola to Make Themselves 'Look Good'

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Shocking news emerging from the refreshment industry. Coca Cola has revealed that Pepsi is their own “reinvention,” brought from obscurity in order to make their product look better in comparison. According to Coca Cola Company CEO, Muhtar Kent, the venture was meant to be a short-lived marketing ploy, but surprised executives and investors alike when it gained popularity among portions of the population.

“We created a cheap imitation of our most popular product and used the existing PepsiCo which we had bought as its vehicle,” Kent told a press conference. “It was specifically designed to be palatable, but not nearly as tasty – the sort of drink you only buy because it’s cheaper. But we kept prices relatively equal and, although it succeeded at creating further brand loyalty among our customers, Pepsi gathered its own following. So we kept and expanded it.”

The revelation was made after rumors began circling that Coca Cola was unfairly treating Pepsi, and had stolen recipes along with some of their best inventors. The rumors were false, but had cast a shadow over the integrity of the company. They felt they needed to put them to rest, and end decades long speculation of Coca Cola being the industry bully.

“It’s unfortunate that the facade had to end, because a lot of people rely on both Coca Cola and Pepsi to fulfil that need for beverage preference competition,” Kent continued. “But investors were worried that the inferior product might become more popular by virtue of the bad reputation we were getting, and we didn’t want to be second best to what amounts to liquidized crap.”

Analyst Robbie Martin says that, although the secret is out, brand loyalty will still remain.

“People need to fight about everything. Why compete over soda anyway? It’s not like you made it. So people will still defend the Pepsi brand, even though Coca Cola makes it taste like piss.”

Katy Perry Plans ‘Intentional’ Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

PHOENIX, Arizona – Katy Perry Plans 'Intentional' Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

During a break from her rehearsal for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show, the Pepsi-pitching pop princess Katy Perry met with members of the media. Perry answered a variety of questions, involving her set list, possible hair color, and guest musicians. But it was her answers surrounding what she would be – or possibly not be – wearing during the performance that tantalized the masses.

“First of all, I’m Hyped For Halftime,” cited Perry, referencing her teasing Super Bowl promotional commercials. “While I won’t say what or who I’ll be wearing, you can plan on one thing. I’m gonna have my own wardrobe malfunction…but will it be a malfunction? It’ll put Janet Jackson to shame, and I can guarantee it will be more than just my belly button. I sure hope you’ll be watching.”

Twitter users ran rampant with speculation if Perry was planning on showing significant skin for the show, or if it was a veiled jab at Taylor Swift, whom Perry has been at odds with over singer John Mayer. More Twitter users ruminated if Perry would be incorporating some type of burlesque act during one of her songs, possibly during a performance of her first big hit, ‘I Kissed a Girl.’

Most comments made by males on social media were nearly unanimous in approval of the possibility of Perry losing part of her clothing, however, there was a faction of Twitter users condemning Perry for allowing herself to be objectified for entertainment sake. Members of various religious groups were quick to call blasphemy, and claimed Perry was “all that was wrong” with the moral fabric of America.

Religious and parents groups are reportedly asking the FCC to intervene and ban the halftime show as too risqué for the youth of America.

“The last thing our sons and daughters need to see is a possible, half-naked, purple-haired singer corrupting our values. We as a faith need to unite and stop her before millions are subjected,” said Abigail Waters, a representative of the Way of Our Most Holy Church in Alabama. “These children are tuning in to see a football game. A morally sound American tradition filled with camaraderie, anger, tackles, hard-hits, concussions, and falls, failures, cheating, and brain injuries. It should not be about sex or women when there is a sport being played.”

“I guess you’ll have to tune in on Sunday, but let’s say you’ll be seeing more of me than you thought,” giggled the Roar singer. She then winked, blew a kiss, and walked away.

Man Sets Fire To Restaurant After Ordering Pepsi, Receiving Coca-Cola

NORFOLK, Virginia – Man Sets Fire To Restaurant After Ordering Pepsi, Receiving Coca-Cola

Gary Bonner, 47, is under arrest this afternoon for charges of arson, after police say he set fire to a local restaurant after an altercation with a waitress over a drink order. According to police, Bonner has already admitted to setting the blaze.

Police reports say Bonner, who ate lunch at the Millstone Cafe every Friday afternoon, went in as normal yesterday around 3PM, but unfortunately for the restaurant employees and other patrons who were dining, something about the Cafe had changed.

“For the past 3 years or so, Mr. Bonner has been coming in here, and always orders the same thing: Turkey club on whole wheat with no mayo and an extra slice of cheese, and a large fountain Pepsi,” said Amy Fray, a server at the Cafe. “Unfortunately though, during this past week we had switched from Pepsi to Coca-Cola, because they had cheaper syrup. Anyway, it didn’t even dawn on me that when Mr. Bonner ordered his Pepsi that I should have told him that’s not what we carried anymore, and that it would be a Coke instead.”

During the week, installers from Coca-Cola had come in and replaced all the equipment in the restaurant and provided their products, but the Cafe had not had a chance to remove Pepsi cola signs, or to amend the menus to show Coke products in place of Pepsi.

“So Mr. Bonner came in, and ordered his usual, and when I gave it to him, I had only walked away a couple of feet when I heard a kind of spraying noise,” said Fray. “I turned around, and he was spitting the soda out of his mouth, like he was choking on it. I asked him what was wrong, and he said ‘I ordered a Pepsi, damn it!’ I told him it was a Pepsi, only because I didn’t want to start a scene, but I agreed to grab him a fresh one. I told him maybe there was something wrong with the fountain and apologized. When I gave him the second drink, he immediately exploded in anger.”

Fray says that it was at that point she explained that they no longer served Pepsi products, and that she had forgotten to tell him when he ordered. Bonner then reportedly stood up, violently flipped his table over, and stormed out of the restaurant. Minutes later, employees began smelling smoke, and the restaurant was evacuated for a fire. Within an hour, the entire restaurant had burned to the ground.

Bonner curiously stayed around the entire time as the restaurant was burning, later admitting that he had set the fire out of anger over receiving the wrong drink. He was immediately arrested for arson and reckless endangerment, as well as possible attempted murder charges, as he knew the restaurant was full when he set the blaze. Bonner said that although he is aware he may be spending many years in jail, he is planning a countersuit over the ‘false advertising’ of the Cafe.

“They still had their Pepsi signs everywhere, yet they gave me a Coke. Don’t they realize they could have killed me? They’ll be seeing me in court as soon as they’re done seeing me in court, if you know what I mean,” said Bonner. His trial date is still pending.

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