Nike Admits To Making Some Shoes From Skin of Elephants


GROVER, Kansas –

After a boycott hashtag surfaced last month over Nike making their sneakers using the skin of elephants, the company stayed very mum on the subject, and made no public comment on the viral images and memes. Today, though, the massive shoe empire came forward, and admitted that they had been using the hide of many animals, including elephants, to make their shoes.

“We are extremely sorry that we did not make this known to our customers when they purchased our shoes, but we are, to be honest, embarrassed about it,” said a statement. “We began making Nike shoes in a different time, and it wasn’t as looked down upon to make our shoes from the skin of animals, even endangered ones. Once things took off, though, there was no stopping.”

Nike says that they have used elephant, lion, cat, snake, and even giraffe skin in their shoes over the years, and that they had never been able to find a suitable faux substitute that would also be able to hold up in the same way their shoes could.

“Animal hides are rough, rugged, and tough, and they keep our shoes lasting, while also allowing us to charge a premium for the shoes,” said the company in the same statement. “We are currently developing new materials that we can make the shoes out of, while still maintaining the same quality our customers have come to know.”

PETA Overjoyed As Leather To Become Illegal


AUSTIN, Texas –

PETA members are ecstatic over the passing of a new law that would outlaw products from being made of leather, which is created using the hide of deal cows. The group has been petitioning for years to the government to stop allowing leather to be used for products where suitable alternatives are available, such as shoes and clothing, or furniture.

“We are so happy that the U.S. government has finally made a step in the right direction, with their plans to outlaw the leather trade,” said PETA spokesman Bunny Jones. “We have been working towards this step for many years, and through petitioning, protesting, and hard work, we were able to convince the government to outlaw the creation of new leather products.”

The law would not ban existing leather items or stop leather manufacturers from using their existing stock, but it would stop farmers from selling new hides to distributors.

“I’ve been making leather furniture, such as couches and chairs, for as long as I can remember,” said Bill Poxley of Utah. “This law is going to kill my business. I have enough material left for maybe another 100, 150 couches or chairs, and then I’m done. You can bet your ass that I’ll be charging a premium for these next sets, though.”

The government says that they are working with manufacturers and providing new materials, as well as tax breaks, to those that are looking to switch to alternative materials.

State Agencies Begin Arresting People On Animal Cruelty Charges For Making Cucumber Cat-Scaring Videos



Cats have long been the internet’s most famous animal. Whether you love or hate cats, there is a meme, a video, a picture, or a song online about cats. Over the last several months, one of the most trendy videos to make is one where you scare your cat with a cucumber. As crazy as it sounds, people love filming their felines becoming terrified as they discover the oblong shape when it is placed near them without being noticed.

PETA and the ASCPA have lobbied several states to begin tracking down and arresting people who torture their pets in this way on animal cruelty charges, as it is extremely harmful to the cat.

“When a cat is eating, he is in his safe zone. He needs to feel like that area is free from predators and harm,” said ASPCA member John Lewis. “When your cat is eating and you place a cucumber – or anything, really – behind him, and he turns around, he instantly becomes scared because he assumes it is a snake or other predator that is there to harm him. In turn, this makes cats stop eating or drinking, fearing for their safety by not returning to their food area.”

The long-term effect this has on felines have not been tested, but PETA and ASPCA say that the gag is enough to warrant arrest based on animal cruelty, and several state governments have agreed.

“Georgia, Louisiana, New Hampshire, Vermont, California, and Nebraska are just a few of the states that we have convinced to track down and arrest these animal abusers,” said Lewis. “We are all working closely with Google, as most of these people who have accounts are making money on their cat videos with Google’s AdSense service – which requires them to give a real name and address. We believe we can successfully stop people from creating these harmful videos, and show love and care to their furry feline friends.”

New Breed of Extremely Miniature Dogs Being Used As Perfumes, Colognes


WASILLA, Alaska – 

A new breed of extremely miniature dogs that has been popular in Japan for over a decade has made its way to the United States, and consumers are going crazy for them. The MiniMuffs breed is generally less than 3 inches long and weighs a mere 6 ounces, but its not their cute size that makes them a hot commodity.

“Oh my God, their saliva smells incredible,” said Marlene Hendrix, 46. “I bought 3 MiniMuffs the second I heard they were on sale in the US, and I’ve used up two of them already. They’re expensive, about $600 per MiniMuff, but their spit is the greatest cologne or perfume you’ve ever smelled.”

According to the USDA and the American Breeders Association, MiniMuffs has a special enzyme in their saliva that makes it smell incredible.

“To be honest, the smell is not something that you can put into words, but just know that it’s like every amazing thing you’ve ever smelled rolled into one, making that the greatest smell ever,” said ABA spokesman Georgia Mitchell. “Normally we would not recommend breeding a dog strictly to use in this manner, but to be honest, it’s just too good of a smell.”

Mitchell says that currently, people can “use up” the dogs after a couple of months, and normally they are simply discarded.

“Oh yeah, I mean, it’s sad that eventually they dry out,” said Hendrix. “I mean, I wish you could just get one and it lasts forever, but that’s not the case. Like I said, I went through two already. When they dry out, they just die, and I have just been putting them down the garbage disposal. It keeps that smelling super fresh, too.”

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups



Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.

Internal Sony Documents Reveal Playstation Controllers Are Made of Dog Noses

dog nose

TOKYO, Japan – 

Sony International, the company behind the Playstation 4 video game console, is under some serious scrutiny after a set of internal documents were leaked detailing the manufacturing process of the company’s popular video game controllers.

“It seems that Sony has been using the noses of dead dogs to create the grips on the joystick of their controllers for quite some time,” said investigator Joe Goldsmith. “All the way back to the original Playstation console, the company has been buying the carcasses of dead dogs in bulk, shipping them from all over the world to their headquarters in Japan, for purposes of using the skin from the noses as the material for the joystick.”

In the documents, Sony CEO Nah Bro Li said that the company had tried “many different options” for the joystick grips before landing on the noses of dogs.

“Nothing works better than dog nose for the small grips of the joystick,” read the text in one of the memos. “This, though, would be very bad for the public to hear, and we would have many animal rights activists at our door. This is something we want to continue doing, but with great secrecy.”

“Clearly they could be using anything else to make these,” said Goldsmith. “Rubber is the first thing that comes to mind, for example. Sony has showed a clear lack of compassion for animals in using the noses of dogs to make their controllers. On the other hand, it does explain why they are $60 a pop. At this time, we believe all the dogs they used were already dead by other causes. It’s a great thing to discover now, though, before the company had that chance to start paying people to kill dogs strictly for their use. ”

Private investigators hired by PETA and other animal rights groups have begun digging into other company’s controllers as well, including those made by Microsoft for their XBox systems, as well as leading 3rd party manufacturer Mad Katz.

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”



Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

Elusive Woolly Pig Found Living in Serbia, Plan to Fight for Their Survival

SUBOTICA, Serbia –

The Mangalitsa has long been considered a poor attempt at a hoax, with pictures of the strange “woolly pigs” dismissed by zoologists as poor manipulations of photographs. But the existence of the rare breed has been confirmed by hikers in Serbia, having accidentally stumbled upon a large community of the species living peacefully in the country’s mountainous terrain.

“We were very surprised – pleasantly surprised – to find these strange creatures,” said expedition leader Harriet McCormack. “When we came across a high rise fence surrounding an arbitrary area close to our hiking route, we thought that previous hikers must have built a colony for themselves. Turns out, these reclusive animals constructed it in an attempt to keep out of the public eye.”

Reclusive is indeed the word for these majestic mammals. Reporters entered the Mangalitsa colony only to find the members unwilling to talk, only looking at them suspiciously.

“They had a resigned look on their fluffy faces,” said Jina Louisia. “Almost as if they knew this day would come. They stopped what they were doing and went into their houses, probably to spend some time with their families before we massacre them and eat their bacon.”

Late on Tuesday the leader of the settlement, Peggy McGee, released a statement to the press.

“We consider this invasion as an act of war,” it read. “We will do whatever it takes to fight further the human enemy, even if it anyway leads to our deaths. We will die heroically, rather than by the whims of your hateful species.”

The release ended on a positive note, however, saying that although the pigs “are wary of being betrayed as were the now extinct Mouflon sheep in the 1800s, we will welcome a peace deal. There must at least be measures in place so as not to find ourselves on the plates of obese American children.”

At press time, members of the colony were being docilely led en masse into a slaughterhouse, having been told they were simply to receive a haircut and shower.

McDonald’s CEO Confirms Meat Comes From Large Mutant Cow Blobs

McDonald's CEO Confirms Meat Comes From Large Mutant Cow Blobs

OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

McDonald’s CEO, Donald Thompson, may be retiring in March, but he is making sure that he’ll go out with a bang. The 51 year old has been working for the fast food chain for 25 years, and has seen it through many disparaging rumors and urban legends. However, in a first, he has admitted truth to one of the old stories – that McDonald’s beef comes from mutant cows.

“The cow – if you can call it that – is created in laboratories in Japan,” Thompson said at a farewell event. “It is hairless, limbless, deaf and blind. In other words, it does not contain any inedible material. It is simply a large, living meatball.”

The crowds who had come to see the celebrated businessman off gasped in horror at the images projected on a screen behind Thompson.

“It was a monster,” said one traumatised attendee. “At first it looked kinda delicious, but then I saw it was breathing. It started moving around and I just screamed. I don’t know if I can ever eat meat again.”

While the news may be off putting for some, the meat industry is frantic, with slaughterhouses scrambling in an attempt to get McDonald’s to share the process.

“This will change food forever,” said a Meat Inc employee on condition of anonymity. “The prices will go down, the quality will go up – as there’ll be only pure ‘beef’. And we’ll sell more than ever. Also, if we market it right, we may get PETA off our backs. Killing these monstrosities is surely better than killing cows, right?”

PETA spokesperson, Haydi Mansoon, disagreed with the source’s sentiments. “They’re bringing these creatures into the world which no one wants to see,” she said. “People will have even less sympathy for animals. Yes, there’ll be less cows killed. And yes, these beings probably are not conscious in the way humans and other animals are. But if we don’t protest this cause, soon we’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Las Vegas Casino Owners, Gaming Commission Seek To Legalize Dog Fighting

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Las Vegas Casino Owners Seek To Legalize Dog Fighting

The steady decline in revenue affecting many casinos across the country has forced many gaming houses to seek other sources of income.  As a result, the gambling industry has been quietly seeking a controversial betting offshoot – legalized and industry regulated dog fighting.

“Think of the images of Michael Vick and everything else that comes to mind when you mention dog fighting,” said Roger Kenny, administrator with the Nevada Gaming Commission. In a press release he stated, “If we regulate dog fighting, promote it as a sport, eventually people will come to accept it, and it will be as common as blackjack or prostitution.  We’d like to change the negative perception that certain groups have put out there about the activity,” he said.

It’s going to be an uphill battle.  After the Commission’s press release was made public, animal rights groups, including PETA, the ASPCA, and the World Wildlife Foundation all reacted with condemnation of the proposal.

Dog trainer and television host Cesar Millan said, “This is the most inhumane act that I can think of.  Dogs are our companions and are among the most intelligent creatures on Earth.  Something like this with cats, now that I could understand,” continued Millan.  “Put a couple of cats in a boxing ring, maybe with little gloves and helmets – nobody’s going to give a crap, it’s just cats. But with dogs, it’s different – they’re man’s best friend. When I heard this news I wanted to rabidly tear the Commission’s collective throat out.”

Chairman and CEO of Las Vegas Sands Corporation Sheldon Adelson remarked, “From what I’ve been told, I think in foreign countries this kind of thing is already legal. I’m not sure, but if it is, we should try to get in on it here. It would be a sin to let all that revenue just go to the dogs,” he said.

The proliferation of online gambling sites is largely blamed for forcing the gambling industry to think outside the box.  Although internet gambling is technically illegal, members of the powerful gaming commission are hiring lobbyists to work overtime in an effort to change that legislation as well.

“Right now it’s a crap shoot,” said Kenny. “But it’s going to be a thing, I’d bet good money on it. After all,” he added with a wink, “every dog has his day.”

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