Shark Week: Discovery Channel Announces 2014 Will Be The Last; PETA Says ‘It’s About Time’

SILVER SPRING, Maryland –

President and CEO of Discovery Communications Inc., David M. Zaslav, announced today that the upcoming season of ‘Shark Week’, its 28th, will be the series finale. The once-a-year series started on July 17, 1987, and has developed a very unique cult following. Zaslav, in an early morning press conference said that more and more people, obsessed with the annual week-long event, are going out on their own and trying to make contact with sharks, which has led to more frequent shark attacks.

“We actually feel that we have created this manifestation of desire for human beings to want to go out and swim with sharks, which people are doing more and more, and we feel responsible,” Zaslav stated. “Shark Week has run its course, it has reached the point where people are actually trying to go out and make contact with these incredible, yet extremely dangerous fish, which obviously, they have no business doing.”

The number of provoked shark attacks has greatly increased in the last three years according to the International Shark Attack Committee. “The last few years people have gone out, without professional supervision, and have attempted to swim with the untamed beasts which, on several occasions, has led to what we label as a ‘provoked attack,'” said IPSA chairman Paul Hart.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has applied a gauntlet of pressure to executives at the Discovery Channel over the years to bring an end to the show. Founder Alex Pacheco has publicly stated on several occasions that the Discovery is ‘endangering sharks while making them more defensive and violent.’

“What they are doing is putting not only stupid, uninformed people at risk, but more importantly, they are putting these beautiful creatures in danger at the hands of man. They are totally promoting human interaction with sharks. This has got to stop!” Pacheco said earlier this year at a PETA convention in Mobile, Alabama.

Many PETA members believe that Pacheco is the mastermind behind Discovery waving the white flag of surrender.

“It is time for the world to stop acting macho and start listening to us, we know what we are talking about, everyone else, especially in this country, are ignorant with animals,” Longtime PETA fundraising coordinator Jennifer Bangs said. “It starts with them killing and eating innocent, loving pigs and cows, and now they’re trying to swim with sharks. They’re just going to kill and eat them, too! It is sickening. Discovery needs to be stopped. They glorify the killing of millions of crab in their idiotic show Deadliest Catch, and killing bears and moose in other shows. Finally it seems that Discovery is bowing down to PETA. The downfall of the network has begun.”

Zaslav was asked whether PETA had anything to do with the upcoming season of Shark Week being its last, he said, “Absolutely not. Those people are just on some mission to be against the world and just want to complain. We do not condone the useless harming of fish and animals, so I don’t have any idea why they would even begin to believe they deserve a voice in the matter. The organization is absolutely laughable, they need to be exposed for what the are, but that is a show we will have to be broadcast another day.” Zaslav then laughed along with the press corp, adding, “Seriously, we have plans to document and expose PETA for the joke that they are.”

The twenty-eighth and final installment of ‘Shark Week’ premiers on the Discovery Channel on Sunday, August 10th.

NORFOLK, Virginia –

PETA, also known as “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” has landed itself in some hot water today over allegations that the group has had their hand in poaching, dog fighting, and animal smuggling.

Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, has allegedly started reaching out to illegal animal groups around the world, asking them for photographic and video of their crimes – not to use as evidence against them, but for use in her group’s campaign to help save all animals.

“People really need the shock value of the dismembered elephants, dogs from a dog fighting ring, or kittens in a bag to really understand that this stuff is happening. They can’t just read it, they have to watch a three hour video showing how they get wool for UGG boots.” Newkirk stated vehemently. “Recently I come across better ways of acquiring these pictures. Straight from the source if you will, nothing illegal, but definitely something a lot of people should know about.”

“Personally, I find the way we’re getting our new material to be much easier.” Says co-founder Alex Pacheco. “She [Newkirk] definitely has a flair for the dramatic, and you can’t argue with the results.”

Pacheco says that in the past, they would get people who were part of the PETA cause to work jobs in meat packing plants or other major industries that deal with animals, mostly in the food industry, and have them secretly videotape the horrible treatment animals were enduring. As incoming funds and donations have slowed over the last few years, they don’t have the money to hire “field workers” as often, especially with the incredibly large salaries the PETA board members take every year.

“Ingrid makes at least triple what I do, and I make around $2 million dollars a year.” Said Pacheco. “With the incredible amount of money that people donate to PETA dwindling year after year, it was time we made a change on how we got our information, and our sources. We want to keep the word strong, and we’ll do whatever we have to do to keep that happening.”

When asked if they thought that there were less donations coming in because of the recent recession, and people more worried about where their next meal might come from than whether African Rhinos were being poached for their horns, Pacheco had a different angle

“I think that people just are starting to care less about animals these days. We’ve been around a very long time. Don’t you think the people who donate would catch on to the fact that we haven’t done that much good? I mean, Seaworld is still around, people still torture animals and post the videos to YouTube. We really haven’t done all that much when you look at the big picture, but still the money comes. Slowly, maybe, but it’s coming. Hell, I only stay because of that massive paycheck I was telling you about. Damn, that’s a great deal!”

PETA members say that they aren’t worried about what the higher-ups are doing to get their information, and that the only thing that matters is getting people to notice, and pay attention to their cause.

“I remember this one time, we took this fat, sweaty, gross-looking woman, had her on her hands and knees, completely nude, and chained her up in a tiny pig cage.” Said Miranda Charles, a PETA advocate and frequent protest leader for the group. “It was to show the plight of the poor pigs when they are on their way to get slaughtered, and the horrible tortures they must endure. I can’t believe this woman was down for it. It’s really amazing what you can convince people to do if you just say it’s part of a great thing.”

“I just feel like the more information we put out there, the more people will pay us to give them that information. The idea is to educate, but we can’t do that for free.” Newkirk said. “It’s for the better of animal-kind to stop these horrid acts, and I’ll eat the flesh directly off a dog’s ass if it means he won’t be put into a fighting ring.”