Philip Morris Introduces New ‘Healthy Cigarettes’ That Will DESTROY Cancer Cells


NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Great news for longterm smokers who are suffering from black lung, emphysima, cancer, and a host of other diseases contracted from years of inhaling cigarette smoke and toxins – Philip Morris International, one of the largest manufacturers of cigarettes in the world, has announced that they have created a new, healthy cigarette – one that can actually fight disease.

“This new cigarette is a combined effort of over 30 years worth of research,” said Mario Philips, President of Philip Morris. “We know that people who smoke, absolutely love it, despite the hazards like cancer and death. So we have spent decades researching new options that can keep them enjoying something they love, and also keep them alive to do it even longer.”

Philips says that the company’s new cigarette contains a “host of ingredients” that are all “top secret,” and can not divulge what might be in them, but says that most are known cancer-fighting agents, as well as other natural ingredients, and a new high-dose of what they’re calling a Cancer-Killer.

“We developed this new drug, this new cancer killer, over the last handful of years, and it works. We’ve tested it on thousands of people, and they were all cured of their cancer,” said Philips. “It’s really revolutionary. The important thing, though, as that these smokes taste just as good, just as rich, as our regular cigarettes.

The new cigarettes will be hitting store shelves in October.

Marlboro To Release Marijuana Cigarette Packs In Colorado, Washington D.C.

BOULDER, Colorado – 

Finally catching up to the fake images that have been floating around the internet for years, Philip-Morris, the makers of Marlboro cigarettes, have announced that they are actually releasing packs of marijuana cigarettes in markets where the drug has been legalized for recreational use.

“We have been watching the sales of marijuana in Colorado for over a year now, and the numbers are staggering,” said Philip-Morris spokesman Jim Bean. “We know that there have been fake pictures of a Marlboro marijuana cigarette that have been floating around online for years, and we can honestly say that now, the debunking can stop. We’re getting in on this, and we’re going to get in huge.”

Philip-Morris reportedly obtained the necessary permits from the U.S. Government, and plan to start manufacturing the cigarettes as early as December.

“We know that pot heads love their weed, and we know that they like to buy in bulk, and that’s why we’re making this convenient and easy and putting them in packs, just like our regular cigarettes,” said Bean. “The great thing is, we have been looking for a way to make a ‘safer’ cigarette for years, and we’ve lied many times about the harmful effects of cigarettes. But now, we can finally say that we’ve got a safer alternative to smoking cigarettes – Marlboro Marijuana cigarettes!”

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