Herbal Supplements To Be Banned From Markets By 2017

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A daily supplement or two has become routine for many Americans, but a report is highlighting how these substances can sometimes be harmful. A bill before congress is pushing for anything not falling under the regulation of the Food and Drug Administration to be banned.

The movement to ban herbal supplements is based an extensive report by Consumer Reports, showing how producers of dietary supplements face little regulation from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and why that can be dangerous for those taking supplements. Supplements can have side effects, and retailers and pharmacists may not understand how supplements can interact with a person’s medication, the report said. Additionally, since supplements are regulated as food, the ingredients do not have to be proved safe and effective in the same manner prescription drugs are by the FDA.

Dr. Donna Seger, the director of the Tennessee Poison Center, said that many people do not think about supplements’ potential consequences on their health. “An estimated 23,000 people every year end up in emergency rooms after taking supplements, and there’s no real proof they do any good whatsoever.”

Others say this is just another instance of “big pharma” buying off politicians. Herbalist Tray Reed says,“It’s not supplements that do they harm, it’s these drug companies. They pump you full of a drug that costs hundreds of dollars when some unpatented supplements would do the trick for a fraction of the price. Then you have to take another drug to fix the side effects of the first drug. It’s a scam.”

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

DETROIT, Michigan –

Shire, PLC, the company that manufacturers the prescription drug Adderall, has reportedly reached an agreement with the federal government to have their drug’s schedule 2 status removed, and allow for over-the-counter purchases in stores. Currently, Adderall, which is used in the treatment of ADHD in children, teens, and adults, is only available through prescription from a doctor or license medical professional.

“We have finally reached an agreenement with the necessary agencies and we can announce that Adderall will become fully available, in multiple strengths, in an OTC, or over-the-counter manner, starting later this year,” said Shire spokesman Andy Roider. “We as a company feel that most people know when they have attention or focusing problems, but they need to see a doctor to get a prescription, and that’s a hassle. This will cut out the middle man.”

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Adderall, which is one of – if not the most – abused prescription drugs in the United States, is commonly taken by high school and college-aged students who want to stay awake for long periods of time, whether it be to study or to party.

“Oh man, I took like 400mg of Addie the other day,” said high school junior Mark Dodson. “I’ve been up since Saturday. Seriously, it’s fucking awesome. I love Adderall. But they’re like $10 a pill right now, and it’s insane. I can’t wait for them to be legal to just buy. I’ll get mine at Wal-Mart in bulk. It’s going to be so amazing.”

Many parents are upset that their children will have regular access to the drug, and say that it’s only going to increase the amount of kids who are abusing it.

“It’s bad enough that they legalized weed in Colorado where we live, now they’re going to just let my kid start taking pills legally, too?” said a mother of a 15-year-old teenage girl, Kelsey, in Aspen. “I’ve gotten Kelsey off of marijuana, cigarettes, booze, tar, crack, and molly – now I’m going to have to get her off her anticipated Adderall addiction. Wow, thanks big pharma.”

The drug is slated to be downgraded in the fall, pending government sign-off.

Scientists Discover Shocking Truth About Weight-Loss Pills

Scientists Discover Shocking Truth About Weight-Loss Pills

 

SALEM, Oregon – 

Researchers from the Oregon University revealed a shocking truth on a yesterday’s press conference. Doctor Maria Vega and her team of researchers spend four years conducting an extensive study on more than one hundred different weight loss pills, which included laboratory tests, tests on animals such as rats and monkeys, and tests on human volunteers.

“We know this is going to be a shocking news for many people,” said Vega at a conference. “but our research showed without any doubt that weight loss pills have no results on a human volunteers.” According to Dr. Vega, initial results were promising. Laboratory results and tests on the rats were showing good results, and the animals were actually losing weight just by being fed low-calorie diets and given multiple fat-burning pills available in drug stores across the country. When they started to conduct tests on humans, though, everything went the other direction.

“We instructed our volunteers to go on a low calorie diet and start to exercise when they take the pills, just as they recommend on the packages,” Vega stated. “It worked great on rats, but in humans, the results were not good. In fact, they were the opposite.”

When a journalist asked about people losing weight if they ate less and exercised even without the weight loss pills, Vega answered that was not a goal of this study. “Our study was focused on a weight loss pills, and no other ways to lose weight. I don’t know why were rats losing weight,” she said. “People, though, were actually gaining weight in some cases while on the pills. Clearly, these pills are a marketing ploy. We have skinny rats, and fat people on these drugs right now.”

Following the press conference, the stock market experienced significant fluctuations – several major weight loss pill producers, as well as pharmaceutical companies saw their stocks value fall, and the CEO of one of the major manufacturers of diet pills is naturally furious. “We are going to do two things,” said the CEO, who spoke anonymously. “We will sue those so-called scientists, and we will order an independent study to prove our pills do have results. The good kind, I mean. Not the fattening kind.”

“I don’t know what to do,” said Marlene Jacobs, 290lbs, of Concord, Massachusetts. “I use at least two dozen different pills and I am still looking for the right one, but how am I supposed to lose weight if they don’t work? They want me to stop eating or something? This is ridiculous! They’re liars, and should be forced to prove their pills are miracles before calling them that!”

Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

MIAMI, Florida – Old Man Becomes Job Annihilator by Inventing Prescription Pill Vending Machine

Joe Pruitt, a 74-year-old Miami resident, used to enjoy waiting in line for his prescriptions at the pharmacy every month. He considered this ritual of getting his Xanax, pain-killers, and Viagra as a pleasant experience, and he’d go home immediately to wash down his pills with a gin gimlet. He says that his trip to the pharmacy served as a comfort, to fill the empty void of his life as a retiree with kids who resent him and never call. All of that changed last month when a pharmacy employee did the ‘unthinkable.’

“That young whipper-snapper must have too many holes in her head from all those piercings. She told me that the doctor had not called in my prescription,” Pruitt said wringing his hands in anger. “Then she wouldn’t even check the bin for my bloody prescriptions, claiming she was ‘too busy’ and to come back later.”

Fuming and confused, Pruitt says he drove all the way home, up hill both ways, to call his doctor from his landline home phone. After waking from his regular afternoon nap, Pruitt says something ‘unbelievable’ happened.

“Around 5 pm, I went back to get my pills. The damn nine-to-fivers were rushing the pharmacy, and I had to wait in line for over thirty minutes,” said Pruitt. “That is when it came to me. A nice lady named Anna Smith, who was waiting in line to pick up an prescription enema for her son, was the first to hear of my new plan.”

“He was kind of making me uncomfortable,” Smith said, “and he was sort of mumbling to himself incoherently about robots and machines, and the ‘kids today.’ I was just hoping he wasn’t about to have a stroke.”

Although Smith says she was just scared listening to Pruitt talk, she should have listened a little closer, because Pruitt was describing an invention that may well revolutionize an entire industry.

“My idea is a machine that can help us all. I’ve invented an automatic, electronic pill dispenser. The pills are pre-filled by a doctor or whoever controls the meds these days – a politician, I guess – then all patients have to do is insert a card with their prescription on it. The machines reads it, and pills are dropped from inside. Kinda like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup from a vending machine, or for us old-timers, a pack of smokes.”

When Pruitt was asked whether or not he minded that he would be destroying jobs in the pharmaceutical industry, he seemed to not really care about the welfare of the next generation.

“That pharmacist’s job was just to put little pills into a bottle, and she couldn’t even do that right. Now she will be out of a job because, and I’m glad for it. Who needs these young ankle-biters when you can have a perfectly good machine to do the same job, only more effectively? This will teach them young ‘uns to get between me and erections or my naps,” Pruitt said, cackling in a creepy old-man kind of way.

With Pruitt’s new fortune he plans to put thousands upon thousands of pierced and tattooed millenials out of their jobs, and he can’t wait start on his next big idea – creating robot replacements for Starbucks baristas.

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