New TV Show Will Highlight Competitive Dumpster-Diving

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A new TV show to air later this year on TLC will highlight competitive dumpster-diving, which has become one of the most “extreme” new sports-slash-competitions in recent years. The series, which has been picked up for one season to start, will be called Garbage Games, and will follow multiple people in their quest to find the most valuable item in their town’s dumpsters and trash cans.

“I got into dumpster diving when I was a kid, because we were poor, and it seemed like a good hobby,” said Mark Ryan, who is featured on the show. “I’ve found everything from extremely valuable paintings to old antique toys to more ‘useful’ things, like unopened packages of food. I think I’ll really have a good leg-up in the Garbage Games.”

TLC president Phil Moss says that he is “extremely excited” for the show to air, and thinks it could be a great competitor to shows like Hoarders.

“I love shows about trash, whether it’s trashy people like Honey Boo-Boo or trash in someone’s home like Hoarders, so I think this show will be great,” said Moss. “I’ve seen the first few episodes, and there are some really, really fun and exciting things that people find in their trash. America will love this show.”

Kanye West Admits He’s In Debt Due To Kim Kardashian Mobile Video Game

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A short time ago, Kanye West announced that he was over $50 million dollars in debt, and now, he’s coming out with the truth about what has caused his extreme downfall in wealth.

“Kim’s damn Android game, man. That shit cost me a fortune, and I can’t kick it. I just can’t,” said Kanye. “I know I tweeted back in October that any game that charges real world money was horrible, but it’s my wife’s damn game. I had to try it. And now, here I am.”

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Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game available on the iTunes and Android app stores that allow people to pretend to be Kim, going on shopping sprees and doing all sort of extremely inane tasks. The game is free to download and play, but many of the game’s items need to be unlocked using real world money.

“I tried to stop playing, but I couldn’t,” said Kanye. “I needed to have the nicer car. Then I wanted all the fancy clothes. Then I wanted more new cars. The bigger house. All that shit, man, you gotta unlock it buy making in-app purchases. Before I knew it, I’d spent a million dollars.”

West says that over the last 6 months of playing the game, he’s spent more than $53 million dollars in real-world money on app purchases.

“I know I don’t say this as often as I should, but I need some serious fucking help,” said West.

Students Bullied In School Over Sexuality Should ‘Act Less Gay,’ Says Principal

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CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

A school principal is in hot water today after telling a student who was being bullied over his sexuality that if he wanted to not get picked on, he should “act less gay.”

“It’s only rational to me that if you come into school, and you’re super flaming and other kids are harassing you, that maybe you should tone it down a bit, and stop flaunting your extra gayness,” said principal John Waters of Charleston Junior High. “I have nothing against gay people. Some of my closest friends are gay, but they don’t walk around wearing pink shirts with pictures of penises on them and painting their faces with rainbows like some of these kids do today.”

School policy does not allow faculty to divulge the name of any students involved in bullying incidents, but some students spoke to a local Charleston news station, anonymously, about the harassment they’ve dealt with.

“I used to get picked on all the time because I’m a Jew,” said one student. “I told the principal, and he told me just to stop wearing my yarmulke, and maybe cut my ‘jew dreads,’ and the bullies would forget about me. I was a little upset at first, but I did what he suggested, and now I don’t get picked on, so I guess his advice worked.”

“I’ve actually told Principal Waters multiple times that I get picked on all the time for being poor and black, but he told me to just to suck it up, because there was no way I couldn’t pretend to not be black anymore,” said another student. “He did suggest that I rob a couple stores and get higher-end clothes, and maybe appear more rich, but that only worked for a couple weeks, because I only had one set of nice clothes. After they started to smell, I got picked on for that. The principal sucks.”

School administrators say they are “looking into” repeated incidents of misconduct on the part of Principal Waters.

New Retail Chain Opens Aimed At Rich Customers; $100 Dollar Stores

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LOS ANGELES, California –

A savvy retail operator has opened several new locations in Hollywood, Los Angeles, and Beverly Hills, a counter to what he calls “poor people places.”

“I visited my friends in New York, and it was ghastly,” said Miles Hardin, a boutique owner in Los Angeles. “I couldn’t believe the places they that shopped. The had stores out there called…I can barely say the words…Dollar. Stores. Oh my God, it was frightening! But it did get me thinking about a new line of stores I could open out here. So I opened my first $100 Dollar Store in January, and business has been booming!”

Hardin says that much like a dollar store, everything in his shops are one price – $100 even.

“It’s really simple economics. In dollar stores, they sell shit, made for pennies and marked up to $1.00,” said Hardin. “In my store, we sell cheap shit made for pennies, and mark it way, way up to $100. It’s a much better idea, and with the amount of money people have in California, they are flocking to my stores.”

Hardin says many celebrities visit his shops, including Jim Carrey, Kylie Minogue, and Chris Pratt.

“Pratt, he came in and bought a tablet cover. $100, out the door,” said Hardin. “He could have got the same one on the East Coast at a .99 cent store, but no. Rich people have rich tastes, no matter how down-to-Earth they are. It was cute though. A pink and purple tablet cover with Groot on it. He had a good laugh.”

Hardin says that he plans to expand to other rich areas in the country, including Silicon Valley and Bill Gate’s living room and master bathroom.

Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

 Most Liquor Stores Throughout U.S. Now Accepting Food Stamps

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

If you happen to be on the lower peg of the economic ladder and also enjoy a stiff beverage, great news is coming your way. To any person in the United States that is given food stamps, you will now be eligible to use these benefits at any liquor store in the nation. For any amount of benefits that you receive, you will be able to spend any amount of your food stamps on any type of alcoholic beverage, beer or hard liquor.

In an attempt to curb the illegal sale of food stamps, government officials decided to “cut out the middle man” and allow them to be used for alcohol.

“Basically, many recipients of food stamps were selling their monthly allotment, handing over the card, and taking cash. They’d then use the cash to buy booze or drugs,” said senator Mitch Larson (D-Delaware.) “We can’t very well allow people to use their food stamp cards to buy drugs, but we can stop the sale of food stamp money by just allowing it to be able to be used for alcohol. It’s just economics at work, really.”

While food stamps were invented to help out those that couldn’t afford to buy the items to cook a hot meal, many people who receive the benefits say that as adults, they should have the right to choose what their government handout can be used on at any given time.

“I’m 68-years-old, and if I want a bottle of bourbon with my Hungry Man dinner, then sumbitch, I should be able to get one,” said Marv Gordon, a Vietnam Veteran who receives $225 a month in food stamp benefits. “My grandson was giving me money before, and I’d let him take the card to the store and pick up some food for himself, but this is a lot easier.”

Already many liquor stores are accepting food stamps at their locations, and members of congress say that all stores selling alcohol must accept food stamps by April 31st of this year.

There has been an outcry from the public, especially Republican voters, that the benefits are already abused enough, and that adding alcohol sales will only further compound the issue. Government officials say, though, that those people complaining about the change happen to not need any government help, so their opinions don’t really matter.

 

 

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