Pope Francis Tries To Curb Molestation In The Church, Declares That Priests Can Marry

Posted on March 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN CITY –

Pope Francis made a surprise announcement during his weekly Sunday Mass in Vatican City, stunning the world when he said that the church has decided that their priests would be allowed to wed, something that has never been allowed in the history of the Catholic Church.

“In an effort to stop our wonderful men of the cloth from molesting any more children, we have decided to allow them to marry and fornicate with women,” said Francis. “This will hopefully put an end, once and for all, to the bad behavior of some of our flock.”

Despite the announcement taking place earlier this morning, there has been no word on whether any priests have elected to look for a wife, or if they’re content with their current arrangement of molesting children for years, having the church pay hush money, and being moved to a new location after all the news is buried.

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

Posted on March 19, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN CITY –

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

Pope Francis Says Pokemon Go Is ‘Devil’s Tool’ To Bring Children To Satan

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis says that the world-wide phenomenon that is Pokemon Go is really a Devil’s tool to bring children and teens over to the “dark side” of Satan.

“Games that progress the mind are a wonderful tool to God,” said Francis. “Some games, though, were created by The Devil himself, to lure unsuspecting souls to a darker place. Pokemon Go is, I believe, the most Satanic game in history.”

Francis says that the reason that the game is so popular is that technology has replaced actual friendships, but that the exercise that children are getting as they walk around, looking for digital creatures, is only going to lead to destruction.

“Yes, children are leaving their homes, they are being active, but they are not paying attention to their surroundings, and soon they will be snatched by predators who want to touch them, and hurt them,” said Francis. “I myself was almost hit by a car while trying to catch a Mr. Mime, and that was when I knew that this game was going to be the end of civilization as we know it.”

Pope Francis To Throw Out First Pitch At Philadelphia Phillies Game

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Pope Francis concludes his first trip to the United States on Sunday by visiting the town that he says has the “least hope” for its citizens getting into Heaven, Philadelphia. After a parade and speech before Congress in Washington, D.C., and a quick stop in New York City, The Pontiff will reportedly toss out the first pitch at a Phillies game against the Washington Nationals, before heading back to The Vatican on Sunday evening.

“Oh yes, his Holiness is a massive baseball fan,” said Vatican spokesperson Gregory Bishop. “He considers it the ‘holy game’ and he watches as many games as he can from his home.”

According to Bishop, Pope Francis has been “extremely excited” for his chance to throw the first pitch at the Phillies game.

“To be honest, the Pope is more of a Red Sox fan, but he wasn’t making it to Boston on this trip,” said Bishop. “Still, Pope Francis is very excited to throw the first pitch at the game on Sunday afternoon. Most people don’t know this, but the Pope used to be a hell of a pitcher back in his day in Argentina. Yes, before he was Pope Francis, good ol’ Jorge Mario Bergoglio was a force to be reckoned with on the mound.”

The game is scheduled for Sunday afternoon at 4pm. The Pontiff takes the mound at 3:55pm, where he will give a short speech before the game.

Pope During First U.S. Visit: ‘Even God Doesn’t Love Kim Davis’

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Pope Francis arrived in the United States earlier this week, in his first ever visit to the country. The pontiff has a very full schedule during his trip, including speaking before congress and meeting with President Obama, but his initial act upon arriving on US soil was shocking to everyone, as he has apparently agreed to meet with recent headline-grabber Kim Davis.

Davis, who was arrested for defying a court order that stated as a Kentucky county clerk she must provide marriage licenses to gay couples, has been stealing headlines from more important news items for the last 2 months. When Davis heard that the Pope was coming to the US, she begged the Vatican to allow her to have a one-on-one meeting with the Pontiff. Upon hearing her request, the Pope reportedly scoffed at the idea, initially laughing it off completely.

“Ms. Davis is not the kind of person I would like to speak with normally,” said the Pope when asked about his meeting with the bigoted Kentucky clerk. “The only reason I am interested in speaking with her is to tell her that’s she’s being considered for excommunication, and that even God doesn’t love her.”

Pope Francis, although stoutly against gay marriage, says that all people on Earth are loved by God, with the exception of Kim Davis, and that bigotry and hatred and idiocy are no excuse for not doing your job.

Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.

Easter Holiday Provides Cause for Bunnies and Chocolate to Celebrate

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WORLDWIDE –

Did the Easter weekend allow you to spend time with your families, relax, and enjoy life for once? If so, you’re in good company. Bunnies around the world celebrated the rare opportunity to enjoy a healthy meal of chocolate eggs, while glowing in the glory of the one time of the year that they have prominence. The tradition of the Easter Bunny is long-running, and is connected to their love of chocolate, and their abstinence through the rest of the year.

The New Testament states that, “One weekend a year, the bunnies shall inherit the earth.” However, a caveat states that they have the responsibility to, “deliver chocolate eggs to all, and eat chocolate only in that period of the cycle of the sun (Matthew 3:15).”

“Easter is always very special to us,” head of the bunnies, Hopper McJumpstein told reporters. “Most of the year we’re derided as something for dogs to chase; our feet are cut off by people for superstitious good luck; little children buy us and immediately stop feeding us and cry when we run away. But on Easter, no one is more important than the rabbits. Well okay, Jesus Christ is pretty important… But aside from him.”

Pope Francis greeted bunnies visiting the Vatican with enthusiasm, and a smile wider than that he usually portrays.

“I’m a big fan of Bugs Bunny,” he announced to a cheering crowd. “These rabbits will be protected by the Vatican. That is a promise for all time.”

Producers of chocolate also rejoiced, adding that they too are derided as unhealthy for humans and animals alike, but this time of the year they get to play a part in religious destiny.

“Our ancestor, Willy Wonka, is surely looking down on us with grace and joy,” Nestle announced. “We know that he is proud of what we’ve done, and the impact we have on the spiritual world. Without us, chocolates and bunnies would experience only persecution. What we have done is make the humble into happy beings.”

Woman Claims She’s Pregnant With Pope’s Baby After Visit To Vatican City

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

A trip to the Vatican generally means returning with heightened spiritual awareness, having had an awakening at one of the world centers of religion. One Californian woman got a little more than she bargained for. Christina Jean claims that, after a day trip to the holy city, she has returned pregnant with Pope Francis’ baby.

“The pope knocked me up,” the 32-year-old mother of five told Empire News. “Ol’ Francis is a charmer, and I won’t lie, I jumped at the opportunity to make sweet love to the head of the Catholic Church. Now I got Pope baby in my belly, and I can’t wait for my holy waters to burst.”

Vatican officials moved swiftly to deny Longman’s claims.

“This is a disgraceful attempt at defamation of Pope Francis,” said Vatican spokesman, Federico Lombardi. “The pope is celibate, as is well known, and although he is particularly charismatic, and he’d have a long line of ladies queuing up for the opportunity were he to break his vows, he is a truly upstanding leader, who would not lift a finger – or any limb – that compromised our holy institution.”

The pope himself went over and above his press office, organizing his own press conference to deal with the controversy.

“I know Christina well,” he told reporters. “She often comes to me with requests for blessings and prayers, and I have granted everything she has asked. A couple of months ago she asked for a blessing to become pregnant with a sixth child. I gave her the blessing – nothing more – which did indeed make her pregnant. That is where the misunderstanding came in. Chrissie Jean is not my lover. She’s just a girl who says that I am the one. But the kid is not my son.”

Jean, however, hit back at Pope Francis, saying that she felt “betrayed.”

“He said he’d look after me and our child, and now he denies everything. He said he’d leave his position for me. Francis dear, Why have you forsaken me?”

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

Posted on January 11, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ROME, Italy –

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage.

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

“It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”