ROME, Italy –
Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.
His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.
Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.
“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.
Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.
The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”
The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.
Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.
The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.