California Begins New Sex-Education Program in Schools By Showing Children Porno Movies

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SAN DIEGO, California – 

California’s school system has something new they’re trying, and it’s causing a bit of controversy.

According to parents at a San Diego school, students in 8-10th grades are being show adult films as part of their sex education classes.

“With the advent of the internet, we know that most of these kids have already logged on and searched for porn before,” said school superintendent Mark Rollins. “We know that this method seems unorthodox, but we have spent hundreds of hours searching through thousands of videos that show the basics of sex without going too far into any specific kink. We don’t want teachers to have to explain golden showers, rimming, or girl-on-donkey, or anything like that.”

Parents, naturally, are outraged, as according to one parent, they weren’t even given the option to opt out of the programs.

“I had no idea that my son Joey was being exposed to P-O-R-N,” said Kathy Meyers, a parent of a 9th grade student. “If I had, I would have pulled him out of this school immediately. Joey already knows that B-A-B-I-E-S are brought by the S-T-O-R-K and that S-E-X has nothing do to with it. That’s a dirty, dirty word, and it has no place in our schools, or even in our H-O-M-E-S.”

On the other hand, most students are extremely happy with their new class schedule, and are excited to continue learning.

“I just really hope the allow us a 10 to 15 minute break after sex ed before we head to our next class,” said Ricky Cutler, 14, and an 8th grade student at San Diego Junior High. “I mean…it’s definitely a stimulating lesson.”

Justin Bieber Signs $2M Porn Deal With Brazzers

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Justin Bieber announced today that he has signed a $2 million contract with Brazzers, the adult website, with plans to complete 5 pornographic films. Sources close to the film company say one of those movies may also star Selena Gomez, Bieber’s on-again, off-again lover.

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Bieber began his career in music over a decade ago, after being discovered on YouTube. Since then, he has released several extremely successful albums, and has appeared many times on the covers of tabloids throughout the world.

“Now that he is no longer selling records, and his popularity is dipping, he is desperate for money,” says an anonymous source close to the musician. “I think this is a bad decision, really. Most of his fans are young girls, under 18, and they shouldn’t be allowed to see this stuff…but you know they will seek it out. It will ruin his already tarnished reputation.”

Women Who Don’t Shave More Likely To Die Alone, Study Finds

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A new study performed by a team of doctors located on the beaches of Miami has revealed information about hairy women.

“Sadly, these women, who we call ‘the hairy ones,’ are almost 100% more likely to die alone than a woman who cares about her appearance and shaves regularly,” said Dr. Miles Kenefic, head researcher on the project. “We surveyed over 25,000 women on the beaches of Miami over the last 5 years, and one thing they had in common was that sexy, beautiful, hairless women had men flocking over them, and dirty, disgusting, shaggy women were always alone, or with other dirty, disgusting, hairy women.”

Kenefic says that the rate of women who die alone and sad because they refused to shave their armpits, legs, upper lip, or vagina is “nearing the point of 100%” in America, and is reaching dire levels in other countries as well.

“It used to be almost a European custom that women didn’t shave. Not their legs, their armpits, or their hairy bushes,” said Kenefic. “In the 1970s, it was a similar trend here in the United States. You can tell from our historical pornography that was made and filmed during that time period. Thankfully, sometime in the mid-1980s, men realized that a woman with a shaved pudenda was far more appealing and sexy, and it quickly became commonplace for women to take care of those nasty areas.”

Dr. Kenefic says that if a woman would like to remain happy, healthy, and getting regular meat injections, she should make sure to shave at least twice a week.

“Keep it trimmed, keep it bare, keep the hair down,” said Kenefic. “If you’re under the age of 40 and you’ve got hair growing anywhere other than your head, and you’re single, you now know why. If you’re not single, you should be aware that your significant other is most definitely cheating on you at any opportunity with a woman, or women, who have no hair.”

Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

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LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

Cam Girl Kidnapped By Admirer, Escapes Homemade Dungeon

CONCORD, Massachusetts – 

Dark fantasy became reality for on-cam erotic performer Cassie Grant, who goes by Lolly Baby, when she was kidnapped from her apartment April 3rd.  Grant was able to gain her captor’s trust, by playing along with his fantasies and telling him she loved him.

“I know what men want to hear. Even sickos like him. When I found myself in his basement, Cassie was worried she was going to die. Lolly took over and went along with the disgusting things he wanted to do to me, and Cassie tuned it all out.

“It took me a couple weeks he trusted me to come upstairs. He had me in a bathtub with all these baby toys when I got my chance to slip through a window. He took my dirty dress with him and went to find another one, so I had no clothes. Scraped myself pretty bad, but I ran through the woods like a bat out of hell.”  Cassie eventually made it to a neighbor who gave her clothes and called the police.

Real-world Cassie, told her family that she worked from home as a medical transcriptionist, when in reality she made a living as cam-presence, Lolly Baby. Twenty-two year old, Lolly specialized in “innocent role play” where she assumed the role of a submissive underage girl.  She talked to many men, who would give her “tips” to chat with them and perform sexual acts on camera.

One of her admirers took the roleplay so seriously, he managed to track her down, first finding her real Facebook account. Police say the suspect, Fred Wheeler then hired a local private investigator to find her location, claiming he was an ex-landlord, who had been stiffed.

“I thought I was safe. I never gave out my real name. I think I may have let a few details slip about my location. You say things in the heat of the moment. I don’t know. There’s definitely no way I’m going to be able to keep doing this kind of work. Lolly Baby died in there.”

Snapchat Adds New Feature For Adults Users To Send Nudes, Will Block Underage Sexting

Snapchat Adds New Feature For Adults Users To Send Nudes, Will Block Underage Sexting

SILICON VALLEY, California – 

Snapchat, one of the most popular apps for Android and iPhone devices allows you to send a picture or text to someone who has up to 10 seconds to view it, before it is immediately deleted. The service, which was clearly designed for its users to send nudes back and forth, has fought through scandal in the past, as a hack found that the company was storing images on its servers. Many pictures were stolen and leaked to the internet, some of them quite risqué.

After several recent updates that added new options and emojis, Snapchat is set to launch another new feature – a separate section for ‘adults only,’ verified through a snap you send holding your ID next to your face, which will allow its users to send nude photos back and forth, and also be ‘tipped’ via coins which can be transitioned to real money, much like pornographic webcam services.

“This plan is fool proof,” said Snapchat spokesman Sam Clip. “With our new system, kids will no longer be able to send nudes. We are going to actually implement a software that will not allow someone to send a naked image if they have not sent us a snap of them proving their age. If they are under 18, the snap will automatically fail if they try and send it and any penises, breasts, or vaginas are visible. The software is so good, it will even block out a picture taken of another picture of nudity, whether it be in porn or of art.”

Young Snapchat users say that they are very disappointed that the service will no longer be allowing them to send nudes to their friends.

“I sent pics of my tits to like, every boy in my class,” said sophomore Meghan from Georgia. “I want them all to see how great I look naked. The more boys that see me naked, the more I’ll be popular in school. All my friends do it. Well, at least we did until this new update was announced. How are we going to get to be popular now? I guess I’ll just show them in person instead.”

Most parents say that they are happy that Snapchat is taking measures to protect the safety of their children.

“I bought my 12-year-old son a phone, and I expect the app companies to make sure he uses it properly,” said Marie Jacobs of Arizona. “If my Freddy is sending out…dick pics…then Snapchat should stop him. I don’t want him to lose any chance at a life because pictures of his little wiener are out in the ether and on the web.”

Snapchat is expected to roll out the update by the end of April.

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April2222

 

LOS GATOS, California –

The massive movie streaming company Netflix is making a bold business decision, as they have decided to stream adult, erotic entertainment along with their slew of television shows and movies. The decision was made after executives began realizing that the market, although saturated on the web, was lacking on any streaming video service.

While the company has said previously that it was not their intent, Netflix did almost single-handedly take down video rental stores like Blockbuster, leaving consumers with a void for acquiring pornography.

“We are sorry-not-sorry that we killed the video stores across the country,” said Netflix CEO Gary Redbox. “Because we destroyed the way that a lot of consumers rented their porn, we have decided to replace that service by offering adult fare through our streaming service, in a new section called Netflixxx. From the comfort of ones own home, any customer of Netflix will be able to watch classic porn titles such as The Balls and The Beautiful, Schindler’s Fist, and How To Fuck A Mockingbird starring Gregory Pecker. These titles and more, at no extra streaming cost.”

While the pornography business is a billion dollar industry, even as most users find it free via the internet, several  people in the adult industry are saying that they feel this is a great idea, and that any way that people can see their finished product is better for their bottom line.

“We certainly make a lot of titles. Not all of them are classics like The Cockfather, but even our compilation pornos are really sexy,” said adult filmmaker Dick Hardson. “People don’t seem to realize this, but Netflix pays out millions upon millions of dollars to film studios for the rights to show their movies. Now, Netflix is going to have to pay the porno industry millions – which means we can make way more movies! Hell, it only takes about 6 or 7 hours from first scene to fully complete film, so with this kind of money, we can make hundreds of movies a week!”

Netflix says that they expect the pricing for the customers to stay the same, or possibly even be lowered, as thousands of new customers are anticipated to sign up once the list of available porn titles is released.

 

 

 

 

 

Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

SAN FERNANDO, California – Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident. 

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”

 

As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

 Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.

 

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

VATICAN CITY, Rome – Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage. 

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

 “It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

 

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