Colorado Couple ‘Clambakes’ Baby To Treat Colic

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DENVER, Colorado –

Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.

Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”

Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.

Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

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Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by  the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

Microsoft Releases XBox Controller That Doubles As Marijuana Pipe

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BOULDER, Colorado – 

In a bold move by Microsoft, the company has begun shipping controllers that double as pot smoking pipes, or bowls, for their XBox 360 and XBox One consoles.

“This is a fucking game changer,” said Joe Goldsmith, avid video game player and pothead. “I mean shit, before I had to pause my game, put down the controller, then pick up my bowl, smoke it, and then put it down, pick up the controller…it was a processes. This is a much better idea.”

Microsoft said that the design came after many people complained that they had a hard time smoking weed, playing video games, and eating munchies all at once.

“We know that, for the most part, gamers – especially XBox gamers – are potheads, and we just wanted to do something to give a little back,” said Microsoft spokesman Jim Dugan. “We’re really glad to be able to launch a product like this, that will be so helpful to so many gamers and pot smokers.”

The controller will retail for $42.00, several dollars less than the current controller, but what Microsoft says is a “way more amusing” price point.

Doritos Announces A New Weed Infused Chip

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PURCHASE, New York – 

Fantastic news coming to those who enjoy the popular Frito Lay chip Doritos and those that also enjoy to smoke a bit of the refer. Coming to stores soon is a new style of the popular snack that will be infused with THC, the main chemical in marijuana.

Doritos and weed have been a popular duo for years now and the company decided to cut out the middle man and give the people what they want. With so many edible marijuana products on the selves, Frito Lay decided to take the leap and have told us they should have done it years ago.

We spoke to a Colorado man who was given a few bags of the new chip and claims while they were delicious and extremely fun, he wished he went about his experience a bit differently.

“I was asked to be in a test project for the new chip and I was pumped. They literally paid me to smoke weed and then eat weed, it was rad as hell. The chips tasted great, the buzz it gave me awesome, but there was one problem. I smoked a bong right before indulging in the chips and got the munchies real bad. The only thing I had to snack on was the weed infused Doritos and began to chop those down. I got in a weird cycle were I kept getting high and then hungry due to the THC in the chip. Finally, 2 days later I ran out of all the bags the test project gave me and my buzz finally wore off and I could wash he cheese residue off my hands and put pants on”

Lays has confirmed that they will be putting a warning label on the chips and children will not be able to buy the chips unless there parents give consent.

 

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

DENVER, Colorado – Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium Next Season

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

TUCSON, Arizona – New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate 'Dabs' Cause Cancer

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Burger King To Offer Late-Night ‘Stoner’ Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

BRUNSWICK, New Jersey – Burger King To Offer Late-Night 'Stoner' Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

Failing fast food giant Burger King announced today a new late-night menu targeted directly at stoners and drunks. Burger King’s decision is, of course, purely profit driven, which come as no surprise. The company’s honesty on the subject is what has industry insiders scratching their heads.

“We decided not to beat around the bush – if you’re out buying fast food after 1 am, you’re either drunk or stoned. With that in mind, we are unveiling our new late-night menu that we are simply dubbing the ‘Stoned Selection,'” said Bill Baron, Burger King CEO. ”Let’s face it – we are not the first to do this, we’re just the first to be open about why we’re doing it. Taco Bell’s entire menu is aimed at pot smokers, and Papa John’s new Sriracha hot sauce and Fritos Pizza screams ‘I’ve got the weed munchies.'”

“We have partnered with other companies in an effort to give the pot-heads all the best foods for eating while high,” said director of marketing Greg Hause. “The menu will only have two choices to keep it simple, because research shows anything more than 2 will bring the average 17-year-old who is high as a kite to a decision-making standstill. The two menu items will be either Hot Pockets and Bugles, or Bagel Bites and Ho-Hos. The only drink option is going to be a large Mountain Dew, naturally. In the test markets of Colorado and New York, our ‘Stoned Selection’ menu has been a huge success, and we plan to go nationwide by the end of the year.”

 “It’s the best,” said Matt Martino, a 16-year-old weed smoker in Denver. ”I don’t remember what I had, but I remember it being really good. Me and my friend were going to go to Taco Bell, but that menu is too confusing man. Last time we went there we stared at the menu so long, the place closed before we got our order in. It was kind of epic.”

 

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