Flour Recall After Teen Dies Of E. Coli

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first person to die from the recent E. coli outbreak did not ingest the the tainted flour intentionally, but accidentally, when a friend threw it on him.

Kurt Haney got some flour in his mouth when a friend threw a bag of Gold Medal flour on him during an “antiquing prank,” popular on the internet with teenagers who film the prank for YouTube. Jack, who was sleeping at the time, got a significant amount of flour in his mouth, and doctors say the fact it was uncooked is likely the reason for his death. His friend’s name is not being released at this time, pending a criminal investigation. Manslaughter charges will likely be filed.

State and federal authorities have been researching 38 occurrences of illnesses across 20 states related to a specific type of E. coli (E. coli O121), between December 21, 2015, and May 3, 2016. General Mills is collaborating with health officials to investigate an ongoing, multi-state outbreak of E. coli O121 that may be potentially linked to Gold Medal flour, Wondra flour, and Signature Kitchens flour. General Mills has recalled nearly 10 million pounds of flour. So far 147 people have been hospitalized.

“Well I, for one, am pissed about it,” says Jack’s mother, Mrs. Tanae Haney. “Do you know what a bitch flour is to get out of the carpet? You can’t simply vacuum it up – oh no. I’m just outraged his friend would think he could throw flour around, as a guest in my house. He certainly won’t be invited to sleep over again.”

You Won’t Believe the Reactions to Ellen DeGeneres’s Latest TV Prank

You Won't Believe the Reactions to Ellen DeGeneres's Latest TV Prank

 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

Ellen DeGeneres has not shied from edgy pranks in the past. From fake failed proposals, to her and Justin Bieber scaring people in bathrooms, her practical jokes have become the gold standard of celebrity misbehavior.

Her latest stunt involved showing up on unsuspecting people’s doorsteps and, after they recovered from the excitement of the celebrity’s appearance, solemnly informing them that a loved one has been killed and eaten by Bob, an escaped gorilla.

The responses to this prank may be the best yet. Unfortunately, she has been prevented by the sulky victims from showing their reactions on her show. Here are some of the best, described by the lovable star.

“The first one was quite a hoot. It was a twenty five year old newlywed. When I told her her husband was dead, she literally collapsed. It took ten minutes to revive her, and then when I revealed that it was a hoax, she fainted again!”

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DeGeneres says that normally she is more for the “light-hearted” types of pranks, but she thought that no one would really fall for the joke when she said they’d been eaten by a gorilla.

“The next could not have been scripted. I told this thirty-something male that his wife and baby daughter had been eaten by Bob, he burst into tears and ran to the kitchen. I chased after him with my film crew, just in time to catch him sticking a kitchen knife into his stomach. Wow, he almost bled to death, but he was such a sweetie that he had no idea how to murderously use a knife.”

A production assistant on the show, who was on-location as Ellen performed her pranks, says that they had so much fun filming, they nearly stretched the bit to fill an entire hour-long episode.

“One of my favorites was the old lady who thought she’d lost her entire extended family,” said Mary Clarke, production assistant. “Poor woman was in a retirement village, and when Ellen told her the news, she was so distraught that she actually gouged her eyes out. I’ve never seen anything like it. To add to the fun, when I told her the truth, she threw her eyeballs at me. Oh my God, what a day!”

DeGeneres says that she will be paying for all medical bills for the people who appeared in her prank, as well as giving them all paid vacations to anywhere in the world. “I just want to be the next Oprah,” said DeGeneres. “You get a hospital bill, and you get a hospital bill, and you get a hospital bill!”

Netflix CEO Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

Netflix Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

LOS GATOS, California –

Netflix co-founder and CEO Rod Houston announced today that the on-demand streaming media giant has developed a new way of offering cable services to millions of Americans, which includes HBO, Showtime, The Movie Channel, all sports networks, including NFL Sunday Ticket and NBA Season Pass, among others for the unbelievably low price of $16.99 a month.

“Basically, we will have guys running around hooking up cable illegally, from house to house, and we’ll be the middle-man for content. But, I mean, if everyone is happy, is it a crime?” Houston said. “Aren’t you tired of switching back and forth between cable providers? Burnt out on the selections provided through Netflix streaming? Of course you are. Our selection is mediocre at best. Do you need more? Of course you do! I am pleased to announce that we have started our venture of becoming the only cable provider in the country, giving us control over everything! Well, that’s the idea anyway, not sure how we are going to do it, but it is a good idea.”

The confused reporters sitting in on the announcement apparently assumed the CEO had lost his mind, before he went on to explain why he’d really brought them all there, as the witty and clever Netflix lead-man went on to admit that he was joking about the whole thing.

“Ha! I got you guys again! I called this press conference strictly for the purpose of reminding each and everyone of you that the complete Friends series is now on Netflix, and what else do you need in your life but those goofy, nerdy, kinda-funny-but-the-show-was-pretty-much-shit Friends cast?!” Houston rambled. “Also, don’t worry, we are working diligently to close a deal to bring in the Muppet Show. It is a glorious time to be a Netflix subscriber!”

Irked reporters and spectators immediately cancelled their Netflix subscriptions, and switched to Hulu.

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