Walmart Says That 50% of Items Bought as Christmas Gifts Were Returned


BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Walmart recently released information stating that for every gift purchase that was made through the holiday season, over 50% of the items were brought back to the store.

“People try really, really hard to make their loved ones happy, but as it turns out, most people don’t know crap from Crisco when it comes to presents, and they’d have been better off buying a gift card. All those presents? Yeah, the come right back,” said Walmart spokesman Mario Deluth.

All the returns cause massive headaches for Walmart, the world’s largest retailer, because most of the products cannot be re-sold.

“We get boxes in that have been crushed, pissed on, items broke – you name it, we see it,” said Deluth. “Fact of the matter is, we take a loss on all those presents you buy unnecessarily, so if you wouldn’t mind, next time, just get a gift card or something.”

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As ‘Presents Day’ Next Year

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As 'Presents Day' Next Year
Target is just one of several major retail chains to change references of ‘Christmas’ to ‘Presents Day’

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The holiday season is upon us once again, and with the holidays comes lots of shopping, decorating, and traveling. No matter what your religious beliefs may be, or how you decide to celebrate, this time has always been about spending time with the people you love.

Sadly, it appears that several major retailers have forgotten the true meaning of the season. Major chains including Best Buy, Target, and RadioShack, have made the decision to no longer use or acknowledge the word ‘Christmas’ or even ‘holiday’ in their marketing, but rather refer to December 25th as ‘Presents Day’.

“It makes perfect sense to me,” said Shane Owens, a seasonal cashier at Macy’s in New York City. “That’s all Christmas is to me really, the presents. I don’t really care about Jesus or religions at all. Most people don’t. All I’m worried about is getting a new iPhone, and some nice shoes. That is what Christmas is really about – presents. So I’m totally on board with the name change.”

Some stores, including Wal-Mart, say that they will not change their current marketing on holiday items.

“We sell a lot of Christmas, Hanukkah, and even Kwanza merchandise,” said Wal-Mart spokesman Carl Rollback. “We’re a very Christian-valued company, and as much stuff as well sell during the holidays to the masses of people looking to get new TVs, cell phones, and toys, we never want to take the Christ out of Christmas.”

“The more you buy for your friends and family, the more they will know that you love them,” said Target CEO Gary Reddot. “Christmas has lost all meaning, at least as word. Sure, plenty of people celebrate a Mass of Christ, for the birth of Jesus, blah blah blah. But most people who celebrate Christmas are just using it as an excuse to be as materialistic as possible. Those are the people we love.”


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