U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

Ad

alcohol

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

white house dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

Obama Admits To Being Born In Kenya, Says ‘What Are You Going To Do About It Now?’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a shocking announcement, President Obama has admitted that he is not a natural-born citizen, and that he was, like the ‘birthers’ assumed, born in Kenya.

“I was, in fact, born outside of this great country,” said President Obama in a press conference from the White House. “But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t the best damn president that the United States has had in decades. I think I have proven that you do not need to be American to love and appreciate America, and you definitely should not be American if you want to run America.”

Obama went on to say that he had given himself a full pardon, and that he could not be held in any legal troubles for serving as president the last 7 years.

“I have pardoned myself from the crimes of forgery and fraud, and I ask everyone, all my detractors – ‘what are you going to do about it now?’ The answer, of course, is nothing,” said Obama. “I may be on my way out of this office, out of the presidency, but I still have the power to make decisions, and those decisions will have lasting effect on everyone.”

Obama’s second a final term ends in 2016.

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd.  “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Marijuana Infused Desserts To Be Made Legal For Sale Nationwide

Peter Carlton, Chief of political negotiations for the National Board of Marijuana Legalities, announced this morning that marijuana-infused brownies and other pastries will be declared legal, once President Obama signs the bill into law.

Carlton, who made the highly anticipated announcement on Capitol Hill, says that congress made the right decision while ultimately making history.

“This is a huge step toward the overall legalization of marijuana. Once the bill is signed into law,  it will bring the federal government one step closer to ending the unjustified prohibition of marijuana in the United States of America,” Carlton told the Associated Press. “All American citizens aged twenty-one and over will be able to walk into any liquor store in America, and purchase marijuana infused brownies, cakes, and cookies. I don’t know about you but I call this progress.”

The Obama Administration has made its pro-stance on marijuana well-known, and the President is expected to sign the bill based on statements he made last week at the National Convention of Innovative Nature Provisions and Resources.

“As our hard-working, blue-collar nation, consisting of the great, good-hearted people of America, moves forward one more huge step every day, we realize that many great opportunities lie before us. For instance, the use of taxable medical marijuana and the idea of the complete legalization of recreational marijuana for the use of Americans citizens, who are trusted with consistent and proper judgement. These are the kind of ideas that will cause our struggling but transcending economy to flourish,” President Obama stated during a speech at the annual convention held in Denver, Colorado.

While more and more members of the government are being persuaded daily that the eventual legalization of the schedule I drug is beneficial to all of America, some American citizens say legalizing the pot laced desserts it’s a disgrace such as Jim Pinkerton, a seventy-five year old resident of Huntsville, Alabama.

“I tell ya what it is, it is a disgrace the way our damn government is trying to turn our people into a country of interracial-loving dope heads. My daddy didn’t fight in World War I for a country of these damn liberal pot heads,” Pinkerton said.

The bill is expected to be signed by President Obama next month, and the desserts will be available within the weeks following.

 

 

Retired Secret Service Agent Says Child Prevented 2010 Assasination Attempt On President

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia – Retired Secret Service Agent Says Child Prevented 2010 Assasination Attempt On President

Retired Secret Service agent Leonard Parker, 52, said in an interview with The Virginia Tribune that in 2010 a ten-year-old boy prevented an assassination attempt on President Barack Obama.

“It is one of those things, you just had to be there to believe it, I can’t give you his name but he was nicknamed ‘The Nutcracker‘ by the President,” Parker told veteran political journalist Clyde Ransdell. “The President was playing basketball with players of the Duke University basketball team at a public park in Durham, North Carolina during the summer of 2010. I remember everything about that day very vividly.”

Parker, who was a Secret Service agent in charge of presidential protection detail for over 20 years, says that day was the one that stuck with him the most throughout his entire career.

“It was a gorgeous June afternoon and there were hundreds of people watching the pickup basketball game. I spotted a man acting suspiciously, about fifty yards away. As I casually began to walk toward him, it happened. He reached for a pistol tucked in his waist band, but he was surrounded by children so it was too risky to attempt to take him out. When the child directly in front of him noticed the man had pulled a gun, he reeled back and kicked him square in the balls. The man then doubled over and dropped his weapon, and we were able to subdue the assailant,” Parker described in detail. “To be honest, even though my heart was racing, it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

Parker went on to say that the identity of the heroic boy and his father will likely never be disclosed per their request, but said that they remain close friends with President Obama to this day. “Once a year, the family is invited to the White House for a week to spend time with the Obamas. The boy, now fourteen years old, has become a very good friends with Malia Obama, and I hear they spend a lot of time together,” Parker stated.

According to Parker, due to national security reasons, the name of the assailant has never been released. The man remains incarcerated at an unknown location.

 

President Obama Signs Bill Creating ‘Rodney King Day’ As New Federal Holiday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Signs Creating 'Rodney King Day' As Federally Recognized Holiday

Yesterday, in the John F. Kennedy Memorial White House Ballroom, President Barack Obama signed a bill, proposed by Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, creating ‘Rodney King Day’, and making it a federal holiday. The new holiday will be recognized annually on April thirty-first, starting next year in 2015.

In the United States, a federal holiday is an authorized holiday which has been recognized by the government. On Rodney King Day, non-essential federal government offices will be closed, including the post offices and the federal reserve, and every federal employee will be paid for the holiday. Private-sector employees required to work on the holiday shall receive holiday pay in addition to their ordinary wages, according to the bill.

Democratic Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, who proposed the bill, says that it is very important for the American republic to celebrate the awareness of social unity during times of public adversity.

“As you may very well know, Rodney King, after being brutally beaten by the Los Angeles police officers was made a national hero when he uttered the powerful quote for which he will always be remembered, ‘Can’t we all just get along?'” said Johnson. “Mr. King cried out to the American public during the infamous L.A. Riots, and later suffered through a trial where his abusers were found to be innocent. As good Americans, it is our ultimate responsibility to make it a point to remember these great words from such a heroic and wise man, whose justice was never properly served.”

President Obama says the now famous words of Rodney King offered America a great deal of hope while setting the standard for change.

“Hope, change. These ideas are a product given to use by the great Rodney King. Mr. King made a remarkable difference – not only in this great country of hard-working God-fearing citizens – but the world as a whole continues to feel the remnants of peace, hope, love, and the overall importance of unified change,” said Obama. “It is my honor to sign this extraordinary bill. As I stand before a better America today, it is with pride and utmost appreciation that I say, on the behalf of the great American people, thank you Rodney King. Thank you very much.”

 

‘Thanks, Obama!’: Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

HOUSTON, Texas – 'Thanks, Obama!'- Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

Gas prices have dropped significantly throughout the United States over the last couple of months, thanks to more crude oil production in the U.S., lowering the price of to $60 a barrel, a trend National Energy Technologies CEO Robert McDaniel says will continue.

“The United States has officially become the world leader in oil production. I have every reason to believe, as should all American citizens, that gas and oil prices will continue to drop drastically. It is my educated and professional opinion that we could see gas prices drop to, or even below, $1.00 a gallon by late spring of 2015,” McDaniel told WEMP reporter Becky Hollensdale.

President Barrack Obama has also chimed in on the welcoming news, stating that his work is finally seeing results that all Americans are benefiting from.

“My administration has done a great deal of superb work that has previously gone unrecognized over the years. It is about time we are able to show the American people the love they so very well deserve.” President Obama said in his morning briefing. “Without me, this would have never happened. Does anybody even remember the last time gas prices dropped below $2.00 a gallon? How about less than $1.00 a gallon? I know my recollection is a bit fuzzy, because it was the 70s, and I was high as a kite somewhere, not caring about gas prices.”

While the Obama administration seems to be taking full credit for the drop of gas and oil prices, others claim that simply is not the case. Chairman of the United States Energy Resource Committee, Bill Farrell, says that it is the result of more digging and uprooting of forestry in the U.S., and that it has nothing to do with President Obama.

“Of course the President is going to take all the credit, as that is the one thing that all Presidents and government officials care about the most,” said Farrell. “The real reason prices have dropped, and American production has increased, is that the tree-hugging hippies and commies are fighting less and less to protect nature. Their ambivalence has allowed us to drill in more locations, uproot more trees, and get to the damn oil. I mean oil and gas makes the world go ’round. Who really gives a rat’s fart about the trees?”

At least ten states across the U.S. are already reporting gas prices under $2.00 a gallon, and most others can expect to see these prices soon as well.

“I’d just like to say that for quite a long while, I have seen many people across the internet say ‘Thanks, Obama!’ to things that I don’t feel I had any part in,” said the President. “But for lowering gas prices, I’d just like to wholeheartedly say to everyone – ‘You’re Welcome!'”

 

 

V.P. Joe Biden Still Missing One Week After Initiating Game Of Hide-N-Seek At White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. – V.P. Joe Biden Still Missing One Week After Initiating Game Of Hide-N-Seek At White House

After encouraging White House staff to take part in a fun game of hide-n-seek a week ago, Vice President Joe Biden remains somewhere in hiding. During today’s morning press briefing, Press Secretary Josh Earnest was asked where Biden had been all week.

“We have no idea. Last time we saw Joe he got everybody involved in this elaborate game of hide-n-seek, and insisted he would come out the winner. That was a week ago today. The man has a competitive spirit that is out of this world. He will pop up eventually,” Earnest said.

It is not uncommon for Biden to lead White House staff into late night adventures of extreme games during after hours. Last month Biden came up with the idea to have Halloween in August for all staffers, and made it mandatory for them to dress up and take part in a White House wide game of ‘Zombie Paintball War.’ The object of the game, to make it until sunrise with two or less paintball hits. Chief of Staff, Denis McDonough teamed with Dr. Jill Biden and Senior Advisor Valerie Jarrett for the victory. An argument ensued after Vice President Biden claimed that the winning team had cheated and did not speak to his wife for three days and slept on the sofa in the Deputy Chief of Staffs office.

After the argument over what was supposed to be a fun game, President Obama said that he called Biden into the Oval office for a long talk. “I said, ‘Now Joe, it is just a game. You all need to learn to play nice and act like big kids. I know you like to win, but you aren’t always going to win. You can’t just go accusing everyone of cheating.’ I then looked him in the eye and said, ‘Now who is my #1 Joe? You are!’ I even pulled out my rolled up Slip-N-Slide, which I always keep hidden from him in the Resolute desk, and I let him take it into the hallways to play. I tell you, he lit up like a Christmas tree. He is a sensitive, yet strong man,” Obama said.

“I know one thing, he sure schooled us on this game of Hide-N-Seek,” said Earnest. “That’s just the kinda guy he is, a real gamer. Soon he will emerge from the bowels of the White House with some crazy idea, that’s why we love him.”

No word on whether anyone had thought to walk around the White House yelling ‘Olly olly oxen free’ to try to coax Biden out of his hiding spot.

 

 

Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

Yesterday the White House announced its plan to offer free motor vehicles to welfare recipients, after congress passed the bill in a narrow vote. The program, initiated by President Barrack Obama, is very similar to what is now widely known to the public as “The Obama Phone,” where welfare recipients can get free cell phone service through a subsidized program. Some are even already referring to the free vehicle program as “The Obama Car.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced the launching of the program in a late press briefing yesterday evening. “The free automobile program gives low-income Americans the opportunity to take ownership of a vehicle at no cost, and will also include a monthly gas card for $100. Any United States Citizen receiving welfare benefits qualifies for the program, which will be starting on January 5, 2015.” said Earnest.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that this will be the downfall of President Obama. “This absurd plan that the democrats have conjured up is beyond belief. I have no idea how or why congress passed this. But I will tell you this, it is the beginning of the end for the Obama administration, Americans are fed up, and they are being called to the post,” McConnell said. “It is only a matter of time before the impeachment hearings begin, mark my words.”

Earnest said in the briefing that the campaign is intended to help unemployed Americans find secure employment, and ultimately will cause the unemployment rate to drop significantly. “Every American deserves the right to possess the ability to get themselves to a good job. Public transportation is very limited for most of the unemployed, especially in rural areas. This free vehicle assistance program is designed to change the way Americans are currently living. The President will sign the bill later this week, and the planning will be put into motion.” Earnest said.

There is sure to be public outrage along with intense approval from American citizens. John Humphries, a Washington D.C. tourist from Huntsville, Alabama thought that news of the “Obama Car” program was a joke.

“You have got to be kidding me, I thought you were joking,” Humphries told Empire News correspondent DeVante Williamson. “What next? All we are doing is giving criminals and scum of the Earth the wheels to make their drug deals while using their Obama-phones to set the deals up. People who really want to work, find a way to get to work, they always have. The unemployed are just lazy and make zero effort to find steady work. They want the easy way out, and our so-called government gives it to them. This is ridiculous.”

Juanita Jenkins of Albany, New York disagrees. “I think it is an excellent thing our government is doing. There are plenty of unemployed Americans who just cannot get to a job. This is sure to improve the steadily improving economy. I am not on welfare myself, but I have been considering quitting my job and applying for assistance while I look for a  better job. I guess that means I’ll be in line for a car, too,” Jenkins said eagerly.

Earnest also told the press that the types of vehicles used for the program will be various American-made models,  older than five years, but no more than ten years old. Once welfare recipients receive their automobile they will be given a gas card similar to that of the food stamp (SNAP) card, which will be loaded monthly with $100 credit to be used at popular chain gas stations.

 

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.