Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson FINALLY Announces Official Bid For President in 2020

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Taking a break from promoting his latest movie, Baywatch, former WWE wrestler and the world’s highest paid movie star, Dwayne Johnson, announced that he has come to a decision about running for President of the United States.

“I’m all in!” said Johnson to a reporter for Entertainment Weekly. “I’ve been giving it tons of thought. At first it was kind of a gag, and I jokingly made like I was interested. But as more and more young people approached me and asked me about it, I began to realize that I could really make a difference. We need a new…we need a better president. Someone who will listen, and make the right kind of waves. I’ve got the money to run.”

When asked where he stood on specific issues, Johnson said that he would “get into that” at a later time.

“I am a Republican, and I do have some conservative values, but I’m about the people, and helping people, and that’s what it should be about,” said Johnson. “I don’t think we need to make America great again, because the country is great, it always has been. I think what we need is to join people together. I think there are people who need to be made great again. That’s what I want to do.”

 

President Trump Announces He Will NOT Be Running Again in 2020 – The Reason Why Will SHOCK You!

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SAUDI ARABIA – 

President Trump, who is currently overseas visiting Saudi Arabia, announced during a press conference that he will not be running for re-election in 2020.

“To be honest, this job is just too damn hard,” said President Trump. “If I could quit right now, I probably would, but Mikey [Pence], he’s not ready for this. He doesn’t have the heart for this job. He doesn’t have the balls. You have to have big, huge, brass balls to be President. I have big balls. I probably have the biggest balls. But really, despite my large testicles, I cannot say that I want to do more than four years of this. It’s just too much time spent.”

According to Trump, he says he will “definitely finish” his four year term, but at that point, would like to bow out.

“I will finish my term, and will finish on top, but I think four years in, that’s enough time for me. I like to try new things, see new places, do new people,” said President Trump. “I hope that whoever steps up to the plate after me understands just how hard this job is. It’s not easy, not like I thought. Golf is easy. Money is easy. Those are things I like to do, and those are things I want to do. I’ll never retire, but I certainly don’t want to be 80-years-old, running a country.”

 

Betty White Officially Announces Bid For Presidency in 2020

betty white

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Betty White has accomplished a lot in her life. She’s endured nearly 7 decades in Hollywood. She’s been at the forefront of caring for animals. She’s survived numerous death hoaxes. But there’s one thing that she says she’s sorry she’s never accomplished, and that now is the time to “right that wrong.”

“I have never been President of the United States, and I think it’s time to change that,” said White, who turned 95 on January 17th. “I’ve seen a lot of politicians come and go in my day. A lot of Presidents. Some of them have been good. Some have been bad. But not a single one of them has been me.”

White says that since she plans on living forever, there’s no reason that her age should stop her.

“In 2020, by the time I’d be getting sworn in, I would be turning 99 years old. I think that’s still a good age. Anything under 100 is still a good age to be trying new things,” said White. “I for one think I can do a better job than a lot of previous commanders-in-chief have done. I won’t name names or anything, but the bad ones know who they are.”

White did not say which party, if any, she plans to run under, but she did say that she will not ask for a dime in funding from private citizens, and instead asks anyone who thinks they’d like to donate to her campaign to instead donate to their local no-kill animal shelter.

600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

Plan Launches To Add President Obama To Mount Rushmore

obamarushmore

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to one of Obama’s supporters, Obama deserves to have a spot next to Washington and Lincoln on Mount Rushmore. You heard that right – According to Jim Messina, Obama is “no question … one of the all-time great presidents.”

Messian justifies his ridiculous position with claims that Obama “walked into the toughest economic situation in several generations. Made tough choices to fix it, took on an incredibly unpopular and difficult fight on healthcare, put all of his political chips on the line, passed it, continued to go on, and have a successful presidency.”

Messina has gained a mass of supporters, all of whom petitioned the government to add Obama to the famous mountain, and – of course – it was passed by the Obama administration.

“I would never have made this choice on my own, but if it is brought to me by others, I have no problem adding myself to the mountain,” said Obama. “I have had one of the toughest eight years in any presidency, and if others think I deserve the honor, who am I to argue?”

The cost of the addition will be somewhere in the nature of $20 million dollars, which will be paid for by taxes and donations.

7-11 Convenience Stores ‘Happy For Endorsement’ From Donald Trump

trump

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a recent speech, candidate Donald Trump made what his camp is referring to as a “slip of the tongue,” and referred to the tragedies on 9/11 as “7-11.” Although the mistake could have happened to anyone, that fact that it happened to someone as nefariously incompetent as Donald Trump made the internet go wild – especially 7/11 Stores.

“We are extremely happy that Mr. Trump is endorsing our stores,” said 7-11 spokesman Brian Jewel. “Although we really wish that it had been someone like Bernie Sanders, we are elated to be a part of the conversation. We would like to say, though, that we want everyone to know that we do not sponsor any one, particular candidate, but, that doesn’t mean that we won’t enjoy when a specific candidate promotes us.”

In response to Trump’s comment about the stores, the entire 7-11 chain is offering one free Slurpee to any customer who comments as “Trump sent me.”

Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

President Obama Says He Will Release All Drug Offenders From U.S. Prisons

obama arrested

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Barack Obama says commuting the prison sentences of 61 drug offenders was “just the beginning” in the massive overhaul he is making in the US criminal justice system.

“After successfully fixing the US healthcare system, I thought ‘what else can I do to make the most impact in my term?’” Obama, in a letter to the inmates receiving commutations, said the presidential power to grand commutations and pardons “embodies the basic belief in our democracy that people deserve a second chance after having made a mistake in their lives that led to a conviction under our laws.”

Obama will be releasing non-violent drug offenders only, and there will be oversight so that only those deserving of a second chance, who pinky promise that they won’t do it again, will be released. Obama denies that being a proud, half-black man has anything to do with his interest in fixing the criminal justice system.

“Just because I’m half-African American, and most of the criminals in prison on drug charges are also black, doesn’t mean that I’m being lenient,” said Obama. “I mean, let’s be clear, most of the men in prison are black no matter what their crime is, but I’m not letting out the rapists and the murderers.”

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

muslim

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

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