Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Attacked, Raped in Prison While Awaiting Sentencing

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.

According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.

“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”

Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”

Colorado Announces Plans To Release All Prisoners Currently Incarcerated For Marijuana Crimes

DENVER, Colorado – 

The state of Colorado has announced plans to release all prisoners currently serving time for marijuana-related offenses, roughly 6 years after the state legalized the recreational use of the drug.

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This decision was made after several non-violent criminals, arrested or serving time for low-level marijuana-related crimes petitioned the state legislature to hear their cases. With the backing of the ACLU, the 9 prisoners were able to win their release – along with the release of anyone else serving.

“We cannot, in good conscience, allow people to be spending time in prison for something that is not a crime anymore, and that people are allowed to do freely on the outside,” said ACLU representative and lawyer, Carl Urbex. “This is a major win for marijuana users, and I sincerely hope that other states with laws similar to ours follow suit.”

Charles Manson Reportedly Found Dead in Prison

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KINGS COUNTY, California – 

Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.

“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”

“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”

Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”

Ex-Subway Spokesman Jared Fogle Says He Has Been Raped ‘Over 600 Times’ So Far in Prison

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway, who is serving a 15-year sentence for molesting teenagers, says that he has been raped ‘over 600 times’ while in federal prison.

“Oh man, it’s really just the worst time,” said Fogle in an interview with WGHR, Atlanta. “At first the other guys just kind of roughed me up a bit, but over time, the assaults became sexual. Since my first day in prison, I’ve been raped well over 600 times.”

Prison officials who were asked about the possibility of that many assaults, seemed unconcerned.

“Yeah, it’s definitely possible, for sure,” said Prison Warden Mario Miller. “I mean, when a pedo comes into prison, he has to watch his ass – literally, I might add. These guys, they’re murderers and violent criminals, for sure. But the one thing none of them takes kindly to is a kiddie-diddler. So yeah, it’s likely he’s been beaten and raped many, many times.”

Fogle was given 15.6 years in prison, and federal penitentiaries normally release with about 85% of time served, which means Fogle will likely be in prison until 2029.

“By the time he gets out, it’s very likely that Jared Fogle will have gotten raped well over 10,000 times,” said Miller. “Frankly, there’s just not much we can do about it. Our guards are not going to endanger their lives for a guy like Fogle. At this point, he should be used to all those foot-longs, don’t you think. Oh, yeah, I guess we have some six-inchers in here, too.”

 

BREAKING: OJ Simpson Reportedly Killed In Prison

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LOVELOCK PRISON, Nevada – 

Representatives for Lovelock Correctional Facility in Nevada have responded to questions about OJ Simpson, who has been incarcerated in their facility since 2008, after news was leaked that Simpson killed during a prison-wide talent show that featured inmates and guards alike.

“It is absolutely correct that OJ Simpson, better known around the prison as Juice, absolutely killed during his stand-up comedy routine,” said Lovelock warden Derek Hughes. “He really was hilarious, and he had the whole crowd in stitches the entire time. He performed for maybe 15 minutes, doing totally original material. I seriously had tears rolling down my cheeks. It really was a throwback to his comedy days. You remember those Naked Gun movies? Oh man, those are my favorite films. He was hilarious then, and he’s hilarious now. I hope he gets out in time to make a cameo in the remake they’re working on.”

“I absolutely love performing, and it was great to get up there, have a little fun, and make everyone laugh,” said Simpson. “There are two big loves in my life, and that’s sports and comedy. I hadn’t yet been able to really do much comedy since I’d been in prison, but I am thankful that I’ve been able to coach and mentor some of the younger inmates and help them in their games. We have some great fields and facilities here. I want to thank everyone for the kind words about my stand-up performance. It means a lot.”

Simpson is eligible for parole in October, with preliminary parole hearings scheduled to begin in July.

BREAKING: Charles Manson Dies in California Hospital

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STOCKTON, California – 

Charles Manson, the notorious cult leader who was arrested and convicted in 1971 of conspiracy to commit murder, has died.

According to police reports, the ‘serial killer,’ who never actually killed anyone and should have realistically been released from prison decades ago, died from natural causes after a short illness hospitalized him.

“Manson was taken to the hospital approximately one month ago, and was suffering from several illnesses, including bronchitis, dementia, and colon cancer,” said Dr. Shawn Tate. “He died peacefully in sleep last evening at approximately 11:45pm.”

Charles Manson was survived by his three sons and one daughter. Funeral arrangements are currently being made where they are expecting large crowds of supporters as well as angry protesters. The Westboro Baptist Church has already announced that they will picket the funeral, but their regular group of counter-protestors have said that “just this once” they will let it happen.

Inmate Sues Prison System After Saying Multiple Assaults ‘Turned Him Gay’

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CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

Johnny “Rebel” Wilson, 30, is an inmate in the Carson City prison system in Nevada, and has been since he was 19. Wilson was convicted of slaughtering his entire family in 2004, and is serving a life sentence. Wilson claims now, though, that the last decade of rapes and attacks he has been inflicted with has “turned him gay,” and he is suing the prison system.

“I weren’t no faggot when I came into jail, but I been getting raped so long and so hard, that now all I can do is think about sweet, fat cock,” said Wilson. “I don’t wanna be no queer, and this shit ain’t right. It’s the prison’s fault for making me a gay. Hell they don’t even give these guys no condoms, so I have to take it raw. That’s probably why I’m so gay now. If they at least had condoms, I probably wouldn’t have gotten the gay this bad.”

Lawyers for Wilson say that he doesn’t have much of case, but that his homies on the outside are coercing them into taking the job.

“Obviously Mr. Wilson was gay before he came to prison, as it’s pretty common knowledge that you’re either born gay, or you’re not, but no matter what we tell him, Mr. Wilson insists that the prison is to blame,” said attorney Joseph A. Goldsmith. “We can’t talk him out of this lawsuit, so we’re moving forward at his request.”

Goldsmith says that his client is seeking monetary damages of $15 million for his sudden “gayness,” and says that the strain and stress has been so bad, that he deserves to be let out of prison with a full pardon.

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison; Police Issue Warnings, Begin Nationwide Manhunt

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PHOENIX, Arizona –

Police say that 45-year-old Martin Traffords escaped from the Phoenix Federal Prison in Arizona yesterday, apparently making his way past security via a laundry truck. Traffords was arrested in 2011 for the murder and dismemberment of over 30 people, all young women and girls.

“Traffords is considered extremely dangerous, even when not armed,” said Phoenix warden of prisons Joel Goldsmith. “He murdered at least 30 people, and claims he killed hundreds more, all by snapping the necks of his victims, and pulling them apart with his hands. We are asking anyone who sees Traffords to contact us immediately or call 911.”

Traffords is described as being white, approximately 6 feet tall, and 200 pounds. He has a full-sleeve tattoo of Heaven and Hell on his left arm. He may be headed to Nevada, California, Texas, Georgia, New Hampshire, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Montreal, or Ohio.

Former Subway Pitchman Jared Fogle Raped, Murdered In Prison

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

According to local police, Jared Fogle, the disgraced former Subway pitchman who was convicted on child pornography and sex charges, was found dead in his prison cell on Thursday afternoon. Prison officials say that it appears that Fogle was raped and sodomized and stabbed with a prison-made shank.

“Mr. Fogle had, until recently, been in protective custody to assure that this exact thing did not happen,” said prison warden Michael Ross. “After he was released into general population on Wednesday evening, we heard rumors that an attack was imminent. Unfortunately, we did not move him back into PC in time. Mr. Fogle was pronounced dead at 3:14PM on Thursday.”

Many of the prison’s gangs have reportedly taken accountability for the act; all of them say that it was their men who did it.

“Oh man, it was my boys in the Aryan gang, dude,” said gang leader Mark Smith. “We might hate a lot of people, but the worst are the child fuckers. They always gonna get what’s coming to them, man. It was ours for the taking, and we took it.”

Other gangs also claim that they are responsible, including the Latinos, bikers, the Jews, and the African-Americans. So far, police say they have no leads as to who is actually responsible, but that they’re not too worried about finding out, either.

Judge Releases Steven Avery From Prison After Realizing He’s Not Black

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MANITOWOC COUNTY, Wisconsin –

After looking over the case of Steven Avery, the man who spent 18 years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit before being exonerated and then re-arrested on separate murder charges, Judge Joe Goldsmith has said he will sign for the release of Avery, after determining that he was not, in fact, black.

“In is a grave miscarriage of justice when a man who is not a minority is treated with such loathe and disrespect by the American Judicial System and by police and government agencies,” said Judge Goldsmith. “When the case was brought to my attention, and the facts presented to me, I naturally assumed that he must be guilty, but that – based on harassment he’s received over the years from law enforcement – that he must also be black. Imagine my shock when I started watching Making a Murderer on Netflix, and discovered that Steven Avery is a white man.”

Goldsmith says that he plans to discuss the case with prosecutors in Manitowoc County, who may bring charges on local officers guilty of harassing a man who does not fit the “minority minimums” for legal and allowed police harassment.

“Steven Avery is way, way too white to be receiving such mistreatment, and as such, he will be released in the coming weeks with a full pardon,” said Avery’s law team. “We are extremely grateful for Judge Goldsmith’s swift hand of justice, and we look forward to the trials of police who are guilty of giving a white man a bum deal.”

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