Senate Approves Prostitution Freedom Bill, President Obama Expected To Sign Off

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Senate passed a bill today to force approval of federally legalized prostitution in the United States, which President Obama is expected to pass in his second official clash with the new Republican-majority Congress.

Earlier this week, the Senate approved a bill in support of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, with two bills heading towards the President’s desk, Republicans seem to be going after and testing President Obama after winning control of the Senate late last year. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who is the majority leader chose the ‘Prostitution Freedom’ bill as the bold companion to the Keystone Oil Pipeline bill, and says that Republicans now have the Presidents hands tied.

“The President would be ill advised to veto both bills,” McConnell said. “Obama would have to be stupid to shoot down both, so it seems that he is going to pass the prostitution bill and veto the Keystone pipeline bill, which he is seemingly more concerned with preventing. Democrats are more likely to warm up to the idea of legalized prostitution these days, and for good reason. It works for the state of Nevada, and it will work for the rest of the country. Sometimes, the typical American citizen needs to unwind after a tough week at work.”

The Senate voted 61-37 in favor of legalized prostitution, and nine democrats joined Republicans in passing the bill. Democratic senator George Charles of Colorado says that prostitution would help his state just as much, if not more, than the legalization of marijuana. “I mean heck, it is safer this way. Licensed prostitutes will be required to have monthly check-ups to ensure they have a clean product. Without legalized prostitution you have women, and men, walking the streets with God knows what disease while soliciting clients,” Charles said. “I know that when it’s time to go out and find a nice whore, I want to be ensured that she’s as clean as my Mama’s backside, if you know what I’m getting at.”

Nevada To Abolish Mandatory STD Testing For Women In Legalized Brothels

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

The Nevada legislature earlier this week removed mandatory STD testing for legalized brothels from the state’s law books. Legislators from both parties agreed there was a “better use” for the money that the state has been providing for medical care for prostitutes.

“The term ‘buyer beware’ comes to mind,” said State Legislator Brian Bowser. “The state has been wasting millions a year on STD testing. It’s high time that we let the free market pay for it – brothels with the clean whores will get the most business. If you’re visiting a brothel, wear a condom for God’s sake, they give them out for free. My father once told me ‘Always assume a whore is a filthy whore.’ My father was a wise man.”

“Well, I’m not a filthy whore,” said Jenny Juggs, employee at the Clydesdale Ranch. “I shower at least 25 times a day. I shower after each client, and I get primped back up. Unless it was just a blowjob, then I just gargle with whiskey.”

“This means whores with STDs will be working at brothels, that’s great!” said Clydesdale Ranch regular Charlie Hutch. “I’m tired of paying full price for so-called ‘clean’ whores; Give me a half-price diseased one any day. I figure there’s nothing left out there for me to catch anyway, believe me, once you start seeing prostitutes, legal or not, there’s not much out there you don’t have. I’ve got all those STD’s already.”

“This is outrageous! I’ve been pushing for Nevada to outlaw prostitution for years,” said Pimp Big Willie. “Legalized prostitution cuts into my business. The girls that failed state STD tests become my best street walkers. Now where the hell am I going to get my bitches? This is bullshit.”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOULDER, Colorado –

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

Human Sex Trafficking Start-up Business Discovered On Kickstarter

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

FBI agent Darrell Lynch has made several major arrests in his 14 years with the agency, but his latest is the only one so far to have been based around his teenage son’s choice in TV programs. Last week, Lynch was working from home on his laptop, while his teenage son was watching a new episode of South Park, which was parodying the idea of online start-up companies.

“I got to thinking about what bulls— startup companies there really are out there on those crowdfunding websites. I know that my dumb bitch ex-wife had dumped some of my hard-earned money into at least one in the past, so I knew there had to be more out there, and it was possible they were involved in criminal activity,” said Lynch.

It didn’t take very long researching new online companies until he came across something suspicious on one of the major crowdfunding websites, Kickstarter, where he spotted a supposed charitable mission to Rwanda and Tanzania that didn’t set right with him.

“The online campaign was asking for money to help get girls out of third world countries, but just didn’t seem to be as legit as it should be,” said Lynch. “See, we’re trained to recognize this sort of thing. Certain keywords and phrases stood out, like ‘trade-work,’ ‘special services,’ and ‘selling girls into prostitution to Americans with big wallets.’ After some inquiries, we were easily able to connect it to a human enslavement ring.”

Human trafficking is big business across the world. Owners of massage parlors, serving as fronts for brothels, buy girls from smugglers in impoverished countries all over the world. The victims are trapped here, knowing little English, with the exception of phrases like “happy ending” and “golden shower.”

The FBI has yet to release all the names of those arrested, citing the Patriot Act and the privacy of the enslaved girls, yet they have confirmed the online fundraising campaign was going to use the money to import some fresh faces out of Tanzania. The girls, who had been being lured here with promises of a better life and starring roles in A-List Hollywood films, are sold against their will, and end up being pimped by unscrupulous men and women who own the ‘massage parlors.’

Lynch says, “These funding websites are lucky we catch these kinds of things. If they made that 5% off the top of the revenue generated, enabling the funding of a human trafficking, they’d in big trouble. I’d personally pull the plug on their whole operation.”

FBI shift leader, Karen Crowe says, “We’ve organized a task force to investigate other crowdfunded start-up companies further. Who knows how many groups there are using people’s naïve donations to fund deplorable, criminal activities? Hell, it could be almost as many as the campaigns that are online raising money to turn second-rate TV shows into feature films!”

Fake Wal-Mart Greeter Arrested For Soliciting Sex To Customers

Posted on August 12, 2014 by DvanL

NORMAN, Oklahoma –

One Walmart Supercenter in Norman, Oklahoma lists a pharmacy, grocery, garden department, tire & lube facility, and a photo center as part of its store services. A local sting operation revealed another, unauthorized service being offered — prostitution.

Posing as a store greeter, retired school counselor Marvin Reading, 67, of nearby Weatherford, was arrested last week and formally charged with “false representation, tresspassing, public lewdness, pandering, and commercial sex solicitation.”

“I came into the store,” said Dottie Forbes, regular customer at the supercenter, “and this man hands me a card and says ‘Welcome to Walmart.’ It was strange, because I thought Walmart got rid of all the greeters some time ago.”

The multinational retail chain, which has become synonymous with bargain prices, had in fact, ended its store greeter program in 2012.

“The card had his name and number on it,” recalled Forbes. “‘Turn the card over,’ he told me, and when I did, I saw all these things written down with numbers there on the back. I thought it was for the daily store specials and I said ‘thank you’ and didn’t think anything about it, so I put the card down in my bag because I had to get things for my grandson’s birthday. I had lots to do that day and was running late.”

It wasn’t until after the grandmother of 3 returned home, that she took a closer look at the card that Reading had given her. “It had all sorts of words there, things I’d never heard of before and didn’t know what they meant until I went on the Internet to look them up. I became disgusted!” Mrs. Forbes returned to the store and demanded to speak to the manager.

Supercenter manager Travis Andrews met with Forbes. “She was really upset and said she felt disgusted. I don’t blame her because some of the things [Reading] wrote down there were inappropriate for an older person. He had things there like “Cleveland Steamer” and “North Pole” written on the card, with a price list for each thing, and a room number and address to the motel where he was staying. I didn’t know what to do since I didn’t see him at the store, so I called the police,” Andrews recalled.

Plainclothes officer Marie Tilford made the arrest after Reading “greeted” her with another highly personalized card the following day. “I think he must have gotten wind of something, because that first day I showed up he didn’t come in. He was pretty bold, I’ll give him that much, because the next day he came back wearing a blue vest and sunglasses, and that’s when we got him.”

“I was desperate for some extra money,” said Reading. “I couldn’t get by on just my social security because of the economy and that’s the thing I decided to do. It worked once before when I was near a shopping mall in Oak City, so I thought out here would be safer. Not so many police and such, and lots of older ladies who might want some companionship.”

A statement released by Walmart regarding the incident read in part:

“Management was made aware of an event in which an individual unaffiliated with Walmart was arrested for illegal activities which go against the traditional values that Walmart represents. Walmart is fully cooperating with authorities.”

Reading was taken to a local prison where he awaits transfer to Parker County Jail.