Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

enVolve-trump-finger-chop

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

Anti-Circumcision Activist Forcibly Circumcised

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”

“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”

Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.

“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”

‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

zombie

CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

black lives

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

NYC Mayor de Blasio Slams Police, Marches At Anti-Cop Rally

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NYC Mayor de Blasio Marches With Anti-Cop Protesters During Rally

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio furthered the rift between himself and the NYPD by marching with anti-cop protesters yesterday, in a rally just outside the city. Mayor de Blasio, flanked by his wife and son, held signs and chanted along with protesters, calling for an end of the senseless murder of unarmed black men. In an interview with reporters, de Blasio challenged the NYPD to change.

”Not all cops are racist, but some are. Not all cops wake up and decide to murder a black man, but obviously some do. I worry for my son, who is African-American. I’ve told him if he is ever confronted by a cop to immediately put his hands up and yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” said de Blasio. “In fact, I give all young black men and women permission to yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” I challenge the NYPD to change its ways, to end racism in its ranks. I challenge them to fight fair when someone resists arrest, one on one, hand to hand, no more shooting an unarmed man, no more six-on-one.” 

“I think the world would be a better without any cops,” said Protester Joan Williams. “Unless, of course, I was in trouble. I mean, they are good at helping people. Come to think of it, maybe people should stop breaking the law and resisting arrest, and maybe they should stop being violent. I guess it’s not really cops who are the problem after all.”

”The NYPD is the most diverse, most professional, and the best-trained agency in the world,” said NYPD Spokesman Sgt. Allen O’Hara. “We are entrusted with keeping the people of New York safe, and enforcing the laws of the city. What the Mayor should be doing is working to get the people to trust us, and understand we’re here to help, not here to harm. But, you know, not every mayor can be as great as Rudy Giuliani.”

 

Miami Police Shoot, Kill 10-Year-Old Boy Who Had Toy Grenade Launcher

MIAMI, Florida – Miami Police Shoot, Kill 10-Year-Old Boy Who Had Toy Grenade Launcher

Miami-Dade Police have shot and killed a 10-year-old hispanic boy who was playing with what is now being described as a toy grenade launcher.

The shooting comes at a trying time for police, as there have been several deaths as the result of unnecessary and brutal police force throughout the country.

Miami-Dade Police Department spokesperson Felipe Cruz told members of the Miami Associated Press that the officer involved in the shooting has been suspended with pay until the investigation is complete.

“The boy, 10-year-old Miguel Rodriguez, was playing with a toy grenade launcher in his bedroom, when a neighbor across the street spotted him through the window and immediately called 911,” said Cruz. “When officers arrived on the scene and peeked through the bedroom window, they spotted Rodriguez aiming the giant, foam toy at several stuffed animals lined up on his bed, and this caused officer Tyrone Davis to make the difficult decision to discharge his weapon, which killed Miguel.”

“I can’t believe that this could happen,” said Carmen Rodriguez, Miguel’s mother. “I can understand our neighbor calling the police, because she’s a noisy bitch who likes to cause trouble, but when police arrived, they should have spoken to me first! I was just in the kitchen for crying out loud!”

The officer, whose name is not being released publicly due to fear of retaliation, commented on the situation through his Union representative. “If I had to do it all again, I would do it the same way,” explained the officer. “That boy was going to injure himself, or those stuffed animals, and I had to take charge of the situation. It’s what any good cop would have done.”

The shooting is very similar to the shooting of 12-year-old Tamir Rice of Cleveland, Ohio, but in that situation, he did not have a toy as indicated in earlier reports. Rice had been in possession of a pellet gun, which is legally not considered a toy.

Unfortunately, this incident is sure to cause mass-media exposure, as 2014 has been a very questionable year when it comes to the judgement of police officers across the nation.

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis333

In a breaking and developing story, the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri was approached by an angry mob and was shot twice upon exiting a 7-Eleven convenience store early this morning. Wilson is currently listed as in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis, and is expected to survive.

A witness on the scene, Gloria Matthews, resident of St. Louis, told members of the Associated Press that she recognized the officer from television as she stood behind Wilson in line.

“Everyone in the store was whispering and pointing, it was really awkward,” Matthews said. “He paid for his items, which just happened to be a donuts, of course, and then I paid for my gas. As I walking out, I heard two loud pops that kinda sounded like firecrackers. I looked over and saw him lying on the ground.”

Other witnesses who were outside the store said they saw a group of caucasian men approaching Wilson as he exited the store. It was reported that the men were shouting obscenities at Wilson, and yelled at him blaming him for destroying their city. One witness, Rodney Kingston, said there was a brief exchange of words as Wilson proclaimed he just wanted to get home to his wife and watch television.

“He yelled back at the guys that he just wanted to get home and finish watching the sixth season of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix like a normal person. It was really weird and scary. The damnedest thing was that the guys who were giving him crap were all white, too.” Kingston said.

After Wilson was shot twice, reportedly once in the leg and once in the arm, he fell to ground, dropping both boxes of donuts. Kingston stated that the suspects who fired the shots ran away and jumped into a dark SUV, and then a flurry of looters “arrived out of nowhere” and scooped up all the donuts, lit fireworks, threw some bricks, and fled the scene just as quickly as they arrived. Kingston said he had never seen anything so bizarre in his life.

“Like four guys came from different directions, it was insane. They grabbed the donuts and they threw a couple of bricks at a nearby store, then they all took off,” said Kingston. “What the hell is the matter with this damn city, anyway?”

The group of men who shot Wilson fled the scene and remain at large. No other customers or witnesses were harmed in the incident.

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

HOUSTON, Texas – ISIS Supporter In Houston Beaten Unconscious By Army Veteran

The Militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) have lately become the most fanatical radical organization in the world. Cult-like recruiting tactics have gone global, with reports of American citizens lending support, and even traveling overseas to pledge their allegiance to the anti-American group.

Yesterday in Houston at Dodson Lake Park, one such supporter who had decided to speak out in favor of the terrorist organization and against America was beaten unconscious by a US Army veteran.

The anti-American speaker, whose name has been withheld until a security check can be fully completed, insisted he was exercising his Constitutional freedom of speech rights when he began approaching strangers at the popular water park/playground and quoting from the pro-ISIS leaflets he was handing out.

Vietnam and Gulf War war veteran Jim McDaniels, 61, was spending the day with his wife and twin granddaughters when he noticed a man who he described as ‘a little jumpy’ walking up to everyone handing out leaflets.  “He walked over to us, kind of pushed the thing in our face and said ‘spread the word,’ so I took it,” explained McDaniels. “Then he started to walk away.  The paper had all these symbols on it, pictures of ISIS guards and a map of the United States with a big red X on it next to a frowny face.  ‘Is this shit for real?’ I asked him. I never swear, mind you. But it was so hateful it got under my skin. That’s why I decided to tell this guy to get lost,” said McDaniels.

The vet walked over to the unidentified speaker and asked him to stop handing out the anti-American material.  “I was telling him for his own good – you don’t pick a place like Houston to start talking against the government – you’re gonna get your butt kicked. I just wanted him to get the hell away.”

The protester didn’t take kindly to the advice offered to him by McDaniels. “He got in my face,” said McDaniels, “and started saying it’s his right to say whatever he wants, the US has oppressed people all over the world, blah blah blah and all this other junk.  I fought for his right to speak in not one but two wars, and told him so. Once he found out I was a veteran, he started calling me a traitor, and that’s when I lost it.  I clocked the guy – one punch and boom down he went.  My family stepped in and pulled me away.”

Now the protester is suing McDaniels. “It doesn’t surprise me a bit,” said the veteran. “I knocked the guy out cold.  It’s funny, though, because if he’s so anti-America, he certainly isn’t showing it by doing the most American thing there is and taking me to court.”

As for the lawsuit, McDaniels isn’t worried.  “Believe it or not, I’m not mad at the guy.  I’m sure he’s harmless, but severely misguided, obviously. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ve got a lawyer, we’ll figure something out, but I don’t think he’ll be coming around the park again any time soon.”

Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

FERGUSON, Missouri – police use laughing gas

Amidst rising tensions and violence stemming from the police shooting and subsequent death of unarmed African American teenager Michael Brown comes an unintended moment of unplanned and ill-timed levity.

Members of the Ferguson police department used incorrectly labeled canisters of nitrous oxide, more commonly known as ‘laughing gas’ against a crowd of demonstrators assembled for a peaceful protest.

At an evening press conference during the melee, Chief of police Thomas Jackson remarked, “In our haste to assess and control the situation and to clear the immediate and surrounding vicinity, several of our officers utilized the wrong supply of materials.”

Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

Stifling a bout of laughter, Jackson continued, “They grabbed the … they grabbed the wrong cans!”  After several minutes, Jackson regained his composure and continued.  “Now is the time for law, order, and peace to return to our community.  We ask for everyone’s cooperation.”  Jackson hurriedly exited the press conference to assume command of the police operation, covering his mouth as he left.

Nitrous oxide is a sedative agent and its use is standard practice during dentistry procedures.  Often, feelings of calm and light-headedness result from exposure to the gas, with some individuals expressing giddiness and euphoria.

The August 9th shooting of an allegedly unarmed Michael Brown, 18, by police officer Darren Wilson under still-conflicting circumstances, has ignited a nationwide firestorm and initiated coast-to-coast discussions on issues involving race relations, militarization of local police departments, and questions of reasonable force when subduing and dispersing public gatherings.

Huffington Post reporter Gayle Jacobsen, an early online presence since the outbreak of the conflict struggled through her coverage of events:

This is the most … tragic and surreal … event that I have never … that I have ever been here to … excuse me a minute, my … my eyes are watering … This is the most water… I mean this is … the most excessive use of … the use of farce … no, I mean force … Oh, Jeez … let me start again … this is the most [unintelligible] … tonight’s level of gas is the worst one thing and … all the bystanders who were standing in the … by the … the gathering of the … gathering for the … the … [unintelligible]

Other eyewitnesses have reported seeing several officers dancing atop heavily armored vehicles and indiscriminately firing weapons into the air.

President Obama interrupted his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard to hold an impromptu press conference to comment on the situation and ask for calm, while Missouri Governor Jay Nixon appealed to religious leaders for peace.

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