Presidential Candidate Ben Carson Arrested On Fraud Charges

carson

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly been arrested on charges of fraud after it was revealed that the presidential candidate was not actually black.

According to reports, Dr. Ben Carson was born white, and later changed his skin tone to get ahead in his primary field of surgical medicine.

“It’s very, very easy for a black man to get a job as a surgeon, or any doctor in any field, really,” said Dr. Miles Jones, head of medicine at Cambridge. “Affirmative Action basically makes it extremely easy for anyone who is black to get a job. Employers can’t risk not hiring someone who is African-American on the off-chance that they might get sued for racial discrimination.”

While Dr. Carson has not officially made a statement, a team of democratic naysayers have reportedly unearthed Ben Carson’s original birth certificate, which lists Carson as Caucasian. Dr. Carson’s legal team, as well as his campaign team, maintain that he is, and always has been, African-American.

Carson is being questioned by D.C. Police on charges of defrauding the public and gross misuse of campaign funds, after it was questioned whether or not a white man could actually receive money if the person donating thought it was going to a black man.

Swastika Table Available on Wal-Mart Website Causes Outrage

table

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

A table built in the shape of a swastika has caused outrage after it was added to walmart.com earlier this week. Multiple customers have complained, but Walmart says that they have no intention of removing the product from their catalog.

“Although the product is not sold by Walmart directly, but by a third-party, we still have no plans to remove the ‘Nazi table,’ as it has come to be known,” said Walmart spokesman Joel Goldberg. “I’m a Jew, and I’m not offended, so there really is no reason to remove the table. Some people like it.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass that some Walmart Jew in a suit isn’t offended, I definitely am,” said Holocaust survivor Marianne Lewis. “It’s disgusting that they would even have that on their website, and worse, that they’re selling it at such an outrageous price!”

The table sells on the website for $399.99, and as of this writing was still posted on the website. A petition on change.org was created earlier this week, and has over 200,000 signatures calling for the store to remove the item and no longer do business with the company that is selling it.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

obama christmas

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Obama’s White House Thanksgiving Dinner Reportedly Only Allowed Black Guests, Only White Servers

white house dinner

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to reports from the White House, the president’s annual Thanksgiving dinner was serviced entirely but white waiters and waitresses, and invitations were sent only to African-Americans, calling some to cry reverse racism.

“I don’t see the problem here,” said President Obama. “All the wait staff were paid incredible wages. They all got to take home the leftovers. All the guests paid to be here, with all the money going to charity. No one seemed hurt by the fact that it was all my black homies at the dinner being served by a bunch of crackers, lease of all the whiteys themselves.”

Republicans who are critical of Obama say that having such a sordid event in the White House only seemed to further the President’s bad name.

“If he had included a couple Mexicans or something at the dinner, then it might not have been so obvious and so brash,” said white Republican Jon Smith. “But, making the dinner an exclusively black affair and then forcing white people to slave away like that? It’s disgusting.”

For his part, Obama said that it really wasn’t done on purpose, it’s just that white people were the only one cleared to be allowed to work in the White House.

Donald Trump Makes Decision To Leave Republican Party, Run Under Nazi Party

trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump has reportedly made a switch of parties, but it’s something that most of his supporters say they didn’t see coming: the billionaire mogul has left the Republican party in favor of the New Nazi Party.

“Heil Hitler,” said Trump, greeting a slew of guests and supporters at a rally on Saturday evening with a one-handed salute. “After careful consideration, I have decided that a better party for me would be the Nazi party, and plan to remove myself from the running on the Republican ticket in favor of this new, slightly less inclusive party.”

Trump says that the Republicans seem to have “lost their way” over time, and too many Mexicans, illegals, and even African Americans are ruining the GOP.

“When I was a boy, a Mexican was sight to be afraid of, and a black guy on the street meant trouble,” said Trump. “The republicans, they seem to have forgotten what it means to be a part of the GOP – strict regulation and hating anyone not rich, white, and racist. The New Nazi Party is more my style – less trusting of new ways, and far less trusting of illegals. It’s the way things should be.”

Trump’s supporters say that they really don’t care what party he runs under, because he “speaks his mind,” so idiots that appreciate his candor plan to continue their support.

‘Clock Kid’ Mad 15 Minutes of Fame Is Over, Says He’s Thinking Of New Scam To Get Back On TV

ahmend

DALLAS, Texas – 

Ahmed Mohammed, the kid who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school and became an international celebrity after he was arrested, gave an interview with a local Dallas news station saying he was “extremely upset” that people had forgotten about him already, and that he didn’t expect that his “15 minutes of fame” would be over so quickly.

“I built that fake bomb – er, I mean, I built that clock and brought it to school, and the whole world went nuts,” said Mohammed, standing next to his father, Mohammed Mohammed. “Now it would seem that people have forgotten about me, and it’s only been a few weeks. My family and I, we can’t not be in the spotlight, so we are coming up with a new scam, er, I mean, a new plan, to have people talking about us again.”

Mohammed was arrested after he brought a hoax bomb to school. Many people were upset because he was arrested, although those people generally didn’t read past headlines, and never knew that Mohammed’s arrest actually came about because the “clock” was clearly a hoax bomb, which is a crime to carry. Mohammed himself even admitted in interviews that he knew the device “looked sketchy.”

“The clock thing got me some cool gear, and some cool trips, and I even got to meet terrorist leader!” said Mohammed. “Now, though, my family’s spotlight is fading, so we’re figuring out a way to get back on people’s radar. Our first step is to sue the school and town for $15 million dollars.”

Mohammed Mohammed, Ahmed’s father, agreed that something “would have to be done” to keep his family from fading into obscurity like they so rightly deserve to do.

Scientists Baffled Over Chicken That Can Talk, But Only Speaks In Racial Epithets

Researchers

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard Medical School say they are “baffled” by a chicken that was left on their campus by an unknown person. The chicken, which is of the average, normal-looking variety, has a very bizarre trait, though – this chicken can talk.

“Black people are a disgrace, especially black men. They just get arrested, make babies, run out on their families, and get arrested again,” said the chicken, which confusingly speaks only in racist epithets. “Keep refugees out of this country. Foreigners are a plight, and they’ll raise taxes and get free health care! Goddamn you, Obama!”

“It’s really a mystery where this chicken came from,” said head researcher Dr. Martin Chome. “Well, it’s not a mystery that the chicken came from an extremely right-wing home, with a definite bigoted, republican owner. We are baffled, though, at how it is that he came to speak, in perfect English, and only when saying something extraordinarily racist.”

When the chicken is not speaking, it clucks and bobs its head, like any other chicken you would see that was not already laying on your dinner plate. Whenever it raises its head to speak, though, it becomes cruel and vile.

“I hate Mexicans, and they should build a big fucking wall to keep all those dirty spics in their own country,” said the chicken. “Jews are nasty. The holocaust was amazing, and I wish it was still going on. 6 million Jews? Nigga, please. They kill 6 million chickens every day, you don’t see my crying about it. Pansies.”

Researchers say that they will continue to look into the amazing origins of the chicken for a little longer, but they are planning on plucking him and eating her very, very soon.

Dr. Ben Carson’s Name Appears On Leaked List of KKK Members

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a curious reveal of private information, Dr. Ben Carson, a member of the Republican party who is currently running for president, was listed in the database of names released by Anonymous that detailed membership in the Ku Klux Klan.

According to the hacker group, Carson is part of the South Knights of Order, a long-standing KKK affiliated group based out of Alabama. According to Carson himself, though, Anonymous got it wrong.

“I have no idea where this information comes from, but it’s definitely not accurate,” said Carson. “There is no way that I would ever associate with a group so entwined with the hatred of my people. It just doesn’t make sense. I think even if they tried to recruit me, I would just ignore them. I’d say ‘I think you want that white guy over there,’ and be on my way.”

According to Anonymous members, though, all of the information they’ve released is 100% accurate. In a note left on the message boards of 4Chan, Anonymous members say that Dr. Carson is a liar who is trying to save face.

“No one would elect a black KKK member into the presidency,” said user MartianMartin94. “If Carson were white, he might still have a chance, but because he’s black and in the Klan, there’s no way anyone will vote for him now. I mean, Donald Trump is a bigot and a moron, but he’s white, so he might still get in. Carson is finished, though.”

School Forced To Change Racist Mascot, Goes From ‘Warriors’ To ‘Wetbacks’

SKOWHEGAN, Maine – 

A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.

“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”

The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.

“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”

The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.

American Medical Association To Recognize ‘Negrophobia’ As Legitimate Mental Illness

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Medical Association released today a statement announcing the addition of ‘Negrophobia’ to the list of official, diagnosable mental illnesses. Negrophobia, which is the fear of black people, was formerly referred to by its more common name, Racism.

“The AMA has made huge advancements in the last 50 years in the understanding of Negrophobia,” said AMA president, Dr. Emmett Brown. “You see, a person who suffers from Negrophobia cannot help but to become terrified of black people. In a normal situation, a non-Negrophobic can rationalize that, hey, that’s just another person. Negrophobics, on the other hand, cannot, and that is where the mental illness comes into play.”

Brown says that it is hard to judge how many people throughout the world may be Negrophobic, but that it seems that many of the mentally ill individuals have gotten jobs in public service, such as law enforcement.

“Judging by the vast amount of headlines of white police officers shooting black men, it is clear that this Negrophobia is a huge problem in the law enforcement world,” said Brown. “The reason the AMA is releasing this information now is so that companies, and agencies who find that they may have higher-than-normal amounts of Negrophobia in their organization can work with the individuals to get them the treatment they need.”

Brown says that the AMA is recommending treatment such as “pulling your head out of your ass” for individuals suffering from Negrophobia.

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