600,000 People Show Up In Support of Donald Trump In Los Angeles


LOS ANGELES, California – 

Donald Trump has scored the biggest and best turnout of any candidate in the history of the presidency, when over 600,000 people showed up in support of the Republican during a recent stop in Los Angeles, California.

Trump, who has long been leading the republican ticket and is more than likely going to receive his party’s nomination towards the general election, visited the state last week, at a rally that was only expected to have a turnout of around 18,000 people.

“Somewhere along the line, Trump supporters started coming together. We had people driving in from 3 or 4 states away, packing cars, and coming together. They just wanted to be here,” said Trump campaign manager Kyle Carson. “It brought tears to me eyes that so many people were here to listen to what Donald Trump had to say.”

The candidate says that he is not surprised, although is extremely overjoyed, that as many people showed as they did.

“My message is being heard loud and clear by the American people, and that message is that we want to make America great again,” said Trump. “They are slowly coming around, because they, too, want to be great. They miss the times when it was, and we are working to get it back.”

The previous record for a crowd of people gathering to hear a candidate was for President Obama in 2008, when he had 80,000 people show up for a speech in Chicago, Illinois.

Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters



Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

14 Dead, 22 Injured After Riots and Protests At Latest Trump Rally

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Causes Riots, $250k Damage

BEDFORD, Wisconsin – 

14 people are dead and at least 22 are injured after Trump supporters attacked a group of peaceful protestors at the candidates latest rally in Wisconsin. Trump, who is known for egging on supporters to harass and bully his detractors, said that he was “overjoyed” that there were less people now standing in his way.

“Everywhere I go, there are more and more people standing in my way, trying to keep this country down, when all I want to do is make America great again,” said Trump. “In Wisconsin, we had horrible riots and there were some deaths, yes, but the only ones killed were Trump protestors, Trump detractors. There are fewer now, and for that, we should all be thankful.”

Trump has offered multiple times to pay the legal fees of any one of his constituents who is arrested or charged for crimes against protestors. In this case, police are still sorting out how and where the riot originated.

“We know that there were a group of 15 or 20 peaceful protestors standing outside the hall where Trump was campaigning,” said Police Chief Mario Jones. “According to witnesses, that group was attacked by a handful of Trump supporters, who beat them with rocks, bats, and chains. Most were killed instantly, but some are mending in a local hospital. Once they are out of their comas, we will begin questioning.”

Trump was not held liable for the riots, despite being the one to incite it.

China Announces Plans To Sell Tibet To Highest Bidder


BEIJING, China – 

China says that they are willing to give up the sovereignty it has held Tibet since 1951 – as long as the price is right.Hippies and hipsters across the United States are already trying to raise awareness and encourage people to chip in to “Free Tibet.”

“China’s actually really hurting. The US owes 1.3 trillion dollars it never intends to pay back,” said self-proclaimed ‘granola’ Cindy Morris. “The biggest thing is the bad reputation they have developed. ‘Made in China’ means crap. Plus, the pollution over there is really bad. Their government needs more money to process all the dead bodies.”

Since the 1950s, millions has been donated to the Free Tibet cause, but it is unclear where this money is being kept or how much there is. The Dahli Lama has yet to release a statement on the matter, and the Tibetan Government in Exile has not been clear whether they will be able to afford China’s price. It is likely that they do not feel they are rightfully owned by China and will refuse to pay for their freedom.

NYC Mayor de Blasio Slams Police, Marches At Anti-Cop Rally

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NYC Mayor de Blasio Marches With Anti-Cop Protesters During Rally

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio furthered the rift between himself and the NYPD by marching with anti-cop protesters yesterday, in a rally just outside the city. Mayor de Blasio, flanked by his wife and son, held signs and chanted along with protesters, calling for an end of the senseless murder of unarmed black men. In an interview with reporters, de Blasio challenged the NYPD to change.

”Not all cops are racist, but some are. Not all cops wake up and decide to murder a black man, but obviously some do. I worry for my son, who is African-American. I’ve told him if he is ever confronted by a cop to immediately put his hands up and yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” said de Blasio. “In fact, I give all young black men and women permission to yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” I challenge the NYPD to change its ways, to end racism in its ranks. I challenge them to fight fair when someone resists arrest, one on one, hand to hand, no more shooting an unarmed man, no more six-on-one.” 

“I think the world would be a better without any cops,” said Protester Joan Williams. “Unless, of course, I was in trouble. I mean, they are good at helping people. Come to think of it, maybe people should stop breaking the law and resisting arrest, and maybe they should stop being violent. I guess it’s not really cops who are the problem after all.”

”The NYPD is the most diverse, most professional, and the best-trained agency in the world,” said NYPD Spokesman Sgt. Allen O’Hara. “We are entrusted with keeping the people of New York safe, and enforcing the laws of the city. What the Mayor should be doing is working to get the people to trust us, and understand we’re here to help, not here to harm. But, you know, not every mayor can be as great as Rudy Giuliani.”


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