New TV Show Will Highlight Competitive Dumpster-Diving

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

A new TV show to air later this year on TLC will highlight competitive dumpster-diving, which has become one of the most “extreme” new sports-slash-competitions in recent years. The series, which has been picked up for one season to start, will be called Garbage Games, and will follow multiple people in their quest to find the most valuable item in their town’s dumpsters and trash cans.

“I got into dumpster diving when I was a kid, because we were poor, and it seemed like a good hobby,” said Mark Ryan, who is featured on the show. “I’ve found everything from extremely valuable paintings to old antique toys to more ‘useful’ things, like unopened packages of food. I think I’ll really have a good leg-up in the Garbage Games.”

TLC president Phil Moss says that he is “extremely excited” for the show to air, and thinks it could be a great competitor to shows like Hoarders.

“I love shows about trash, whether it’s trashy people like Honey Boo-Boo or trash in someone’s home like Hoarders, so I think this show will be great,” said Moss. “I’ve seen the first few episodes, and there are some really, really fun and exciting things that people find in their trash. America will love this show.”

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

LOS ANGELES, California – 

MTV have announced that they are in production of a groundbreaking new reality series, which will follow the early lives of future teen drug addicts. According to their statement, the show will begin its first run as early as January 2016, at which stage they will have footage of the protagonists’ sixth year of life, and will continue for at least nine seasons, at which stage the kids are expected to be full-fledged addicts.

“It’s more than just a reality show,” said producer Darren McArthur. “It’s a sociological experiment. We’ve selected kids from backgrounds which will clearly lead to a life of struggle with mental illness leading to addiction.”

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There will be ten kids, consisting of five boys and five girls from poor socioeconomic circumstances, with parents who beat them and are already addicts themselves.

“We’re going to ensure that they go to schools with high levels of poverty and which are known to produce gangsters and drug dealers. That way, they won’t have a chance of coming out clean.”

The first season will feature footage of the children being beaten by inebriated parents, drinking alcohol left irresponsibly in accessible areas, and other things which will surely lead to them having few options in life.

“If any options open up to them, we’ll be sure to quell them. This show will only work if these kids go in the direction we see them following. It would not be fair to the other crew and cast members if one of the kids makes something of his or her life.”

We asked McArthur what he felt the series would bring to the lives of Americans, and if he could respond to potential moral objections.

“America needs to see the culture in which addiction is bred. Only then can we begin to stop the disease which is damaging our great nation. And if Americans can’t stomach the sight of kids being raised badly, they’re in the wrong country.”

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC have given up on their controversial ‘Live Sex Project’, just three days into airing. The 24 hour reality series, which broadcast live from a gritty motel room, showed everyday people who had been screened by the network having raunchy sex. But the project hit a hitch when, unbeknownst to the other fornicator, a woman died in the middle of coitus.

“The poor guy had no idea, and just kept on fucking her,” reported Ellen Degeneres, one of the producers of the show. “All of a sudden, he realizes he’s committing necrophilia on live television. Afterwards I saw him compulsively washing his dick, as if that could remove the everlasting taint of dead pussy.”

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church have announced that they plan to attend the funeral, protesting any further broadcasts of this sort.

“She got what she deserved!” spat a crazy woman at our reporter. “The whore! Fucking on live television like there was no tomorrow. Well guess what? There is no tomorrow! God has shown his vengeance against immoral sluts.”

Dead rights group, The Dead Have Feelings Too (TDHFT), have however responded with condemnation of the media’s handling of the event.

“Everything is permissible these days,” said headless head of the organization, Lord Jackson. “Sex before marriage, homosexuality, in front of people – but dead people aren’t allowed to have sex. No, if the person is dead, it’s ‘sick’. It’s time we took a stand, and asserted our right to have intercourse, whether or not it’s broadcast on those fancy boxes.”

NBC executives are reportedly planning a new 24 hour show to replace the botched experiment. Anonymous sources say they have drawn inspiration from the proverbial cock up, and plan to start production on live visuals from a mausoleum, in which the doings of dead people will be broadcast.

“People want to see what goes on in deadville,” said one source. “They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up in that place. We think it’ll be quite a thriller.”

Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

HOLLYWOOD, California – Channing Tatum To Get Breast Implants For Upcoming Movie Role

Actors immerse themselves in roles to varying degrees; some of the lesser or tired actors “phone it in,” while others go to extremes to create realistic portrayals.

Celebrity heartthrob Channing Tatum (22 Jump Street) definitely falls into the latter category, as he has announced today that he will be undergoing breast augmentation surgery for his role in Magic Mike XXL.

Tatum jumped at the chance to take on the challenge. “I didn’t hesitate for a second when my manager told me the storyline for the sequel. I didn’t read the script first, I didn’t even ask what the terms were for my salary. I just said ‘yes’ when I heard about the breasts. I can’t wait to start working on this new role. I want big ones, as big as possible! I asked the doctor to ‘Pam Anderson’ me,” said Tatum.

According to studio executives, Magic Mike XXL follows the continuing story of the character from the first film, Magic Mike, as he goes from being a sexy male stud stripper to a femme-fatale exotic dancer. The first film, which also starred Matthew McConaughey, made almost $114 million dollars back on its small, $7 million budget.

Tatum’s Hollywood star has risen in recent years, and this role undoubtedly will cement his status as a solid dramatic actor. “I remember when Robert De Niro gained all that weight for that boxing movie,” said Tatum, and “Tyler Perry literally transforms himself into that big, scary, fat old African-American lady, but I decided to have my physical body altered on the inside, which I think will be great for my career.”

Tatum’s new breasts will be implanted in February 2015, and the surgeon performing the augmentation has agreed to donate the proceeds to the Susan B. Komen For The Cure breast cancer awareness foundation. Breast cancer is suffered by both women and men.

“My fans seem to be pretty accepting,” said the actor. “Thousands of brand new fans can’t wait to see the results, and they’re literally begging me to send them photos! Did you know I have a fan club at San Quentin? I didn’t, but in any case, I’m really stoked to get stacked!”

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

HOLLYWOOD, California – 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' TV Series Picked up by SPIKE TV

Recently cancelled by TLC, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been picked up by SPIKE TV, and will have new episodes airing in January. TLC cancelled the show when “Mama June” broke things off with her husband, Sugar Bear, and moved in with convicted child molester Mark McDaniel. TLC executives said they felt that June’s actions were putting her family in harm’s way, and although they resolved to continue paying for her children’s education and counseling, they would no longer be airing the TV show.

“A trailer trash mom with young children has a convicted child molester move in, that’s just the kind of plot twist our viewers love!” said Mike Miller, SPIKE TV program manager. “Little Honey Boo Boo in danger every night, now that’s TV! We at SPIKE do our best to make sure Honey Boo Boo and McDaniel spend as much time together as possible.The first episode will have Mama June winning a three-day vacation, leaving McDaniel home to watch the kids. It will be dynamite TV. I’m looking forward to this being one of our highest rated shows, and I have so much confidence in it, we will put it to directly compete against MTV’s 12 and Pregnant. 

“I want to thank SPIKE TV for giving me and my Honey Boo Boo a second chance,” said Mama June.”I don’t know what all the fuss was about anyway, Mark is a good man. He loves me and the kids, he’s not a molester – he’s just a touchy-feely kind of guy. He just keeps forgetting he don’t live alone anymore, I’m always yelling at him not to walk around naked in front of the youngins. Anyway, I’m glad Mark’s here, the medications I’m on just know me right out at night, ain’t nothing can wake me up, so it’s nice to have a man around to keep the kids safe.”

Because TLC owns the rights to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo titles, the Spike TV version will be called There Goes Honey Boo Boo. “It’s better than our original title, I think, which was Here Cums Mark McDaniel.

 

‘Ghost Hunters’ Capture Real Ghost On Film While Shooting Episode

HOLLYWOOD, California – 'Ghost Hunters' Capture Real Ghost On Film While Shooting Episode

Sy-Fi channel’s Ghost Hunters claim they have finally captured a real ghost on film, and the channel plans to air a special episode on Thanksgiving Day. Executives at Sy-Fi hope this will be the most watched hour in television history.

“It’s amazing, and truly terrifying. We were filming at a Civil War battleground site, and we actually saw and caught a ghost on film. It wasn’t just a noise, and it wasn’t just us playing things up for the camera like normal,” said Jason Hawes, paranormal specialist and star of Ghost Hunters. ”I’ll be honest with you – the show has always been fake, of course. We never find anything real. It’s TV for crying out loud. The way it usually goes is Grant or Steve say in a scared voice, ‘did you see that?!’ or ‘did you hear that?!’ and then we all act scared, but it’s just for show. Not this time, though.”

“I was scared as hell. I’m not going to lie – I pissed myself when I saw it. All this time ‘hunting’ for ghosts, we’d never seen a thing. 10 years of filming episodes; neither us nor our viewers seeing anything but night vision images of ‘spooky’ locations,” said Grant Wilson, co-founder of TAPS. “That’s half the reason I left the show in the first place. I am so glad I came back for this hunt. This changes it all. When this airs, people all over the world will stare in awe. It’s not any trickery, it’s not CGI. This was an honest-to-goodness, no bullshit ghost.”

“Now that I’ve seen a real ghost, I’m done, I’m never doing this again, it was fun when it was fake, but now forget about it,” said Hawes. “I’m going back to Kansas to work in my Dad’s Hardware store.”

”Ghost Hunters have filmed a real ghost, trust me, I saw it a couple of days ago and I haven’t slept since,” said Sy-Fi Channel executive Mark McGoldrick. “I can promise you, this will change the world as we know it. We now have proof of an afterlife, and of a spirit world. Do you have any idea what that will do for our ratings?!”

 

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