American Psychiatric Association Qualifies Trump Endorsement As Mental Illness

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Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The American Psychiatric Association has announced today that after much deliberation, the group has decided to qualify the endorsement of Donald Trump for President as a legitimate medical and mental illness.

“We have interviewed many people who, as bewildering as it is, support Donald Trump for president,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Hastings University Research Facility. “After talking to these people, we see no visible signs of anyone physically forcing them to support or vote for Donald Trump, leading us to conclude that it is, indeed, a mental defect.”

The APA claims that although none of the candidates for president qualify as “amazing,” Trump scrapes so far along the bottom of the barrel that their only choice was to rule support as a mental handicap.

“Frankly, I don’t see what the problem is. He’s not PC, and he says what I’m thinking, and that’s the kind of man that I want to vote for,” said Johnny Rogers, of Houston, Texas. “You can’t keep America great when you’ve got a black Muslim in the White House. Trump will fix this nation.”

“That’s the kind of garbage that almost every one of the Trump supporters we talked to would say,” said Dr. Brown. “You can see yourself, from that statement, and surely from many others you’ve probably seen on social media and in the news, that it’s obvious anyone who thinks Donald Trump is a viable candidate should be classified as having a mental deficiency.”

Mainers Demand Governor’s Impeachment; Lepage Says, ‘They’re Lazy and Retarded’

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AUGUSTA, Maine –

“We want him kicked out of office!” A recent poll showed that 95% of Maine citizens think impeachment means to kick a politician out of office, while in actuality it means to charge with misconduct, treason, or crimes against the state.

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Protester Ashely Poulot says, “He’s a douche. We should impeach him. It’s as simple as that.”

Governor Lepage says of that this movement is a result of the tougher welfare laws he helped put into place in Maine.

“Almost a third of the people in this state are on welfare. Guess what? They’re too lazy to work, and they’re certainly are not going to make an effort to get off the couch to vote or do anything!” claimed LePage. “Sure, there are a few loonies freezing their tail feathers off outside the capital, but in the words of the great Bernie Mac, ‘I ain’t scared.’ Those retards standing there protesting in 2 degree weather are the exception, not the rule.”

LePage is currently on the campaign trail in support of Chris Christie for some reason.

Republicans Blaming Obama For Baltimore Riots

Republicans Blaming Obama For Baltimore Riots

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

Repbulicans across the country have come together, at least on the internet, to blame the one person they say is the most likely candidate as the cause of the Baltimore riots – President Barack Obama.

“Obama is black, and this is all a black thing,” said young, white Republican Joe Goldsmith. “Obviously if we had a white president, there would be no monkeys rioting in Baltimore, stealing things and acting like animals, even if they are only a half-step up from apes in the first place.”

“Obama needs to pull his head out of his ass, and tell all his black brothers in Baltimore to get their shit together,” said old, bitter Republican Richard Brand. “Obviously Barack Hussein Obama is the reason that these blacks feel they can even get away with this. They know that in the end, if they get too far into the system, their black buddy in the oval office will just pardon away their crimes. It’s sick.”

According to several commenters on the internet, though, it’s the Republicans who are to blame.

“All you rich, white honkey bastards are to blame for this mess,” said Baltimore resident Jamal Carter. “If ya’ll whitebread mothers hadn’t installed white, racist cops into the police system, and if all you white cornbread bitches hadn’t built businesses in our city, selling your high-end TVs and laptops and cell phones, we wouldn’t have no reason to loot and steal. It’s clearly not Obama’s fault, it’s whitey’s fault.”

Obama, who could not be reached for comment, has only only 1 and a half years left in office, but has said previously he assumes that he has at least 4 to 5 more years of being blamed for every problem the country encounters.

Jeb Bush Plans to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

Jeb Bush Touted to Launch Presidential Bid; Expected to Release Video for Public to Mock

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

As yet, Senator Ted Cruz is the only Republican to have confirmed his intention to run in the 2016 Presidential Elections. His announcement was accompanied by a tacky video, which was roundly mocked on all social media platforms. Senator Jeb Bush is now expected to be the 2nd Republican candidate to announce his campaign, and with it his own short clip, cramming as much ridiculous rhetoric and gaffes into it as possible.

“In a long tradition of out of touch Republicans, Jeb will probably be the next to release a hilariously misinformed video,” said analyst Pete Richman. “I think he’s gonna go all out with this. Think references to black people getting Ebola; think inaccurate information about the economy; think discrimination against gays and atheists.”

Sen. Bush has been spotted strolling through an upper class white neighborhood, followed by a cameraman, indicating that his chosen representation of American life is based on the wealthy minority, ignoring not only the working class, but the middle class as well.

“While it portrays a sweet, idealized version of America, it’s going to lose him the vast majority whose lifestyles are nothing like he imagines,” continued Richman. “African Americans, workers being paid minimum wage, people who realize that not only the rich need to be taken care of – it’s as if he doesn’t recognize that those are the votes he needs to win.”

Accompanying the video, a series of Twitter gaffes, in which Bush accidentally insults even his own supporters, is expected.

“He’ll probably say something like, ‘The upper class is just the same as everyone else’, which his following will take to mean that they’re as pathetic as they believe working and middle class people are. They’ll say things like, ‘We worked to get where we are; those who don’t make it don’t deserve it,’ and his campaign will spend millions correcting the mistakes they already spent millions on.”

The public can look forward to the already denigrated video coming in early April.

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Gay Republicans

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Gay Republicans

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

In a landmark ruling in the New York Supreme Court, the progressive state will be the first in the US to legalize gay Republicans. The ruling is in response to years of activism from all three of the gay Republican senators in the state, including a protest which made use of a tear-jerking viral video showing gay elephants humping.

“We’re delighted at this huge step forward,” said the leader of the three, Bono Williams. “It’s been a long time coming, and we’re relieved that we can finally be acknowledged in living a lifestyle that for centuries has been seen as immoral and unlawful.”

Chair of the LGBTI Rights Foundation of New York, Pepper Staysoft, applauded the courage of the three unique freedom fighters.

“Everyone deserves their liberty, and gay Republicans are a group who have long had their rights neglected,” Staysoft wrote. “Yes, it affects only a tiny proportion of the population, but for those three people the ruling will be life-changing.”

The ruling is another victory for supporters of the right for bi-partisan sexual preferences and, according to Bono Williams, sets a precedent for future political freedoms.

Speaker of the US House of Representatives, Republican John Boehner, said however that its another step in the “erosion of the moral stature of our country. I have nothing against homosexuals. Some of my best friends are homosexuals. But allowing the recognition of gay Republicans compromises the sanctity of Republicanism. How are our children meant to grow up into proud conservatives when their role models are liberal anarchists?”

Other Republicans disagreed with Boehner’s sentiments and expressed their approval of the decision.

“I think it’s great for those folks,” said 2012 presidential candidate Mitt Romney. “From what I understand, homosexual simply means ‘A member of the primate genus Homo, especially a member of the species Homo sapiens, distinguished from other apes by a large brain and the capacity for speech’, and I see no reason why these individuals should be treated any differently by us heterosexuals.”

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.

Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people. 

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

 

Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Illegal Aliens Who Register As Democrats

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Any Illegals Who Register As Democrats

President Obama today signed an executive order granting citizenship to all illegal aliens if they agree to register as democrat voters. The order was expected by many in congress, although dictating voter party has many in Washington up in arms. 

“I have been pushing for a path to citizenship for 6 years, but the Republican House has done nothing,” said President Obama.”If the republicans and the extreme right don’t care enough to make these people citizens, well then it’s only right to make them Democrats. Thanks to the our party blocking voter I.D. laws, illegals have been voting democrat in our elections for years already. I expect some outrage from the right, but in the end, I only have two years left in my presidency and I’m not done transforming America. You expect a lot more executive orders it the next two years, because now that the republicans are in control of both houses, I will be using my pen for two things, vetoes and executive actions.”

John Boehner (R. – Ohio) says that he thinks the President has ‘lost touch with reality.’

“Obama has no respect for the constitution, or the majority of people in this country.  Insisting illegals register as democrats is the most outrageous move in the history of this country,” said Boehner. “We will fight this move through legal action, and push for impeachment proceedings if we can, but make no mistake, we will stop this President.”

The order grants illegal aliens in already in the U.S. full citizenship, as well as healthcare benefits and food assistance, and will begin registering the individuals as of January 1st.

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”

 

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