Roman Catholic Church

ROME, Italy –

Just moments after the celestial sky above gave way to sunrise above the sacred grounds of the Vatican this morning, Pope Francis has demanded a retraction from media outlets worldwide, after they mistakenly reported that the Pontiff ‘condemned’ the attacks on Paris’ Charlie Hebdo.

His Excellency issued a shocking statement of approval regarding the deadly terror attack on the French satirical newspaper that killed at least twenty-two people. The Vatican’s chief spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, shared the Pope’s written statement to the media this morning, asking all publications who wish to re-print it word-for-word.

Lombardi appeared ridden with anxiety, sweating profusely amongst the vast sea of media representatives and diplomats from around the globe, as he presented the Pope’s opinions on the vicious attacks.

“Religion shall not be immune to extreme criticism, but its opponents should use rational critique as opposed to mindless mockery in the form of so-called satire. Rational critique can be constructive, building foundations of faith, while senseless disrespectful mockery is detrimental to worldly community cohesion. Those who poke at the ribs of Christ shall face the ultimate consequence of their actions.

Charlie Hebdo deserved the onslaught of terror they have endured for mocking the son of God, as fate has proven. Those who take part in the belittling of Our One True religion will pay the ultimate price at the hands of any forces necessary, whether holy or evil, the work shall be done as a warning to all. This was not about harm at the hands of a vengeful people who worship Muhammad, a false prophet, but an act of a vengeful God, the God, who is tired of ridicule at the hands of the people.

The world has seen the wrath of God, and have learned something from this unfortunate, but inevitable, attack. This is our new world, based on the rules we have undeniably changed. The apocalyptic crusades have come to fruition.”

The statement resonated with apocalyptic-like sentiment, suggesting the Catholic Church’s approval of evil forces, such as the Muslim extremists who carried out the attack, to fight for the sake of belief against all non-believing propaganda, with the results benefiting the Catholic Church.

Pope Francis has been known as the most lenient and unconditionally loving pope in history. Some believe he had simply been playing the role of a master strategist, acting as a paper-tiger, while awaiting the birth of the apocalypse.

The decision to have spokesman Lombardi present the statement, as opposed to the Pope himself, who has not been seen publicly since its release, has ignited profound suspicions of conspiracy.

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Roman Catholic Church sex abuse scandal added another dark chapter to its history, months after Pope Francis reaffirmed his commitment to expose and root out predatory priests from within the Church.

This latest alleged incident involves Father Francis X. O’Toole, of the Archdiocese of Atlanta. O’Toole was placed under arrest after a guardian of the alleged victim notified authorities that an act of inappropriate touching had taken place.

Hank Sheffield, feature reporter for Atlanta’s WSB-TV, obtained raw footage of O’Toole’s transfer from a police holding cell to an awaiting Atlanta Department of Corrections van. “I yelled over and asked if he had any remorse for the victim or anything he’d like to say to her. He looked surprised and said ‘What? Her? You said her. It was a girl?’ He looked at me like I had two heads!”

Sheffield later obtained an exclusive prison interview with O’Toole, in exchange for the priest’s cooperation with authorities in providing details of other alleged acts of abuse.

“I feel awful,” said O’Toole. “I don’t know how I could have done this. I don’t mean the touching — I’ve been doing that for years. I’m sick in the head, for Christ’s sake! What I mean is I touched a girl – er, allegedly touched I mean. I can’t believe it. I’m out of control. I need to be sent away somewhere, to a place where I can’t even touch myself,” he acknowledged.

“When I told him that a crime against a child is a crime no matter who or what the sex of the victim is,” said Sheffield, “he basically got what I was saying, but he still seemed upset about mistaking the girl for a boy, and not about committing this awful crime on a kid. My crew and I were pretty much sick to our stomachs when the interview was over.”

The personable reporter has been a familiar presence to Atlanta area viewers for the past 2 decades. In more than 25 years, he’s never reported on a story like this.

“When I started out, the most controversial thing I covered was when the Berlin Wall opened up. I hate to sound like that old guy on his front porch, but this world has changed a lot. I had a talk with our news director about whether we should run this segment at all,” said Shefield, “but we decided it was better to expose the crime here, rather than keep it hidden.”

Roman Catholic Church

Pope Francis Praises Attack Of Charlie Hebdo, Demands Retraction After Media Reports He ‘Condemned’ Act

Priest Accused of Molestation; Upset He Confused Tomboy For Actual Boy