Russia Is Probably Hacking Your Computer Right Now – What You Can Do To Stop Them!

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UNITED STATES –

After it was confirmed that Russia easily hacked computers in the United States to rig the 2016 elections, the FBI is warning that it’s “very likely” that Russian hackers and spies are probably in your computer right now, looking at your files.

“There are many things that you can do to protect yourself from Russian hackers,” said FBI director J. Hoover Edgar. “For one, you want to make sure you put a piece of tape of your computer’s camera. That’s just something simple that every idiot knows to do by now. Another thing you can do is to get offline completely when not using the computer. Just unplug and turn off your machine, and you should probably unplug your router, too, just to be safe.”

Edgar also recommends writing most of your documents in Aramaic, the dead language spoken by Jesus Christ and his disciples.

“It’s very hard for Russians to read Aramaic, because most people don’t know it. If you learn it now, you will have a much better chance of your files not being read by Russian hackers,” said Edgar.

According to the FBI, the one thing that can almost certainly defeat a hacker, though, is to make sure you change your passwords 10 to 15 times a day, for all of your website logins, especially banks and social media accounts.

“If you leave your password as the same thing for more than a couple of minutes, you’re basically giving full access to your life,” said Edgar. “Change your passwords multiple times a day. It really keeps the ol’ Ruskies on their toes.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

Posted on October 8, 2014 by kellybr

MIAMI, Florida –

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.