Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd.  “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

Sarah Palin Announces 2016 Run for Presidency

WASILLA, Alaska – Sarah Palin Announces 2016 Run for Presidency

Tea party darling and liberal punching bag Sarah Palin announced her plans to run for President in 2016. While Palin may be the first big name to throw her hat into the ring, it’s possible that she will have some stiff competition in the primaries, with possible candidates including, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul.

”We already know who the Dems are planning to run, her royal highness of the liberal left, the ‘it’s my turn,’ Miss Hillary Clinton,” said Palin outside the Wasilla post office which also serves as the area meeting place, town hall, police station, fire station, and gas station. “2016 is not going to be a dogfight, it’s going to be a cat fight! It’s going to take a woman to beat a woman, and I’m your gal!”

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Palin says that she isn’t sure, yet, which platform to run on, because she’s not even sure which issues really matter to anyone. The only thing she could say for certain is that she really wanted to start drilling into that local pipeline.

“All I can say is that we Palins know how to fight! What was true in 2008 is still true today, because Obama has done nothing. The key to financial independence, to fixing this economy, to creating jobs, to keeping us out of wars in the Middle East, to energy independence is ‘Drill Baby Drill!’ And Who do you trust to get the drilling done? Who do want to drill? Me or Hillary? I’m here to say trust me, and drill me! A new pipeline will bring oil to the refineries and create jobs. Who wants a job? Who wants to lay the pipe? Who would you rather lay the pipe for? Some dried up old bag, or would rather lay the pipe for me?! I want so much oil for this country, that when I look down at that long pipe, I get blasted in the face. I dream every night that I’m covered in oil while hard-working American men are drilling and laying pipe. That’s my dream for America, That’s why I want to be your next President!”

 “She definitely created some excitement out there,” said Peter Push, Palin’s campaign manager. “I never saw anything like it. When Sarah finished, out of respect the men just sat there with their hats in their laps and waited a good five minutes before standing up. If it comes down to Palin vs. Clinton, I know who the men will be lining up behind.”

 

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York.  “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down.  People get tired of hearing the same old complaints.  Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.” 

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm.  He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities3

In what can only be described as unprecedented and earth-shattering political news, Tea Party Leaders have announced the official dissolution of the Tea Party Movement, and the end to Tea Party-approved candidates and sponsored political endorsements.

The bombshell announcement was issued through a joint press release from Marco Rubio, U.S. Senator for Florida, and Representative Ted Cruz (R-Texas).  The statement reads in part:

In recent months, growing tensions and increasing divisions within the party have led us to make the difficult but necessary decision to halt all Tea Party political activities. We just can’t keep up with all the nonsense we spew on a daily basis, and it’s gotten to the point where nobody even listens to our crap anymore. Once people stop listening, then the crap just seems that much…crappier. We have taken this action because we feel it is crucial for the future health and political success of our current and seriously divided mainstream GOP.

Over the last several years, there have been many setbacks to the Tea Party movement. Original Tea Party member Eric Cantor lost his bid for re-election in June 2014 to newcomer and college professor David Brat.  Florida Representative Allen West narrowly lost his bid for reelection to political novice Patrick Murphy in November 2012. Plus, former Alaska Governor and 2008 GOP Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin also aligned herself with the movement and remains highly vocal – which might be the biggest setback of all for the party.

The Tea Party unofficially got started during a February 2009 speech from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange when CNBC commentator Rick Santelli made reference to the original Boston Tea Party revolt of 1773.  Santelli proposed a Chicago ‘Tea Party’ style uprising to oppose government intrusion into the housing market.  At the time, President Barack Obama’s mortgage relief bailout plan faced widespread opposition and criticism.

A faction of the new party used racially-charged symbolism and rhetoric aimed directly at Barack Obama, the nation’s first African-American President, causing further divisions and contributing to the party’s demise.

“At a time when our GOP leadership was achieving limited success in attracting a more diverse base,” explained Rubio, “unfortunate events were taking place, with no clear direction toward party cohesion.  The sooner we get back to the work of repairing today’s GOP, the stronger the party and the entire nation will be.”

Current Speaker of the House John Boehner was reportedly against the move, but was overruled in what is seen as a further weakening of his political power and influence. Several members of the House were reportedly overjoyed by the decision for the group to disband. Others, though, were just concerned about whether or not they’d still be able to enjoy their Chai.

Jesse Ventura Talks Presidential Run in 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Jesse Ventura Talks Presidential Run in 2016

Former professional wrestling superstar and Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura (James George Janos) recently tweeted about his supporters calling for him to run for President of the United States in 2016.

“I hear you guys and I am overwhelmed with the support. Maybe it’s time to take Washington down a peg or two,” said the tweet from @GovJVentura on July 26th.

This message to his fans was retweeted 900 times and favorited 1600 times.  Supporters like @LoftusRaider replied to Jesse showing their support.

“That’s right Jesse, you could really ‘bodyslam’ those goons in Washington with your policies!” said Raider.

Twitter user @jtfalcon804 had similiar thoughts in his reply. “If more people in America were like @GovJVentura, not afraid to say what needs to be said, we’d be living in a much better country”.

A group of fans started jesseventura2016.com to encourage the former Governor to rise to the call of running for president, praising him for his leadership style. The web site states “If ‘We The People’ want real change, we are going to have to do something radical, like nominate Jesse Ventura for President in 2016.’

Despite having a massive amount of support from wrestling, political, and media fans, there are some people who think he is too brash and far out to make a good President.

In late July, Ventura won a lawsuit against slain Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle’s widow, Taya Kyle. The suit stated that before Kyle’s death, he had fabricated a story about punching the former Governor for comments he made when the two happened to be in the same bar on an evening in 2006.  Ventura claimed that the entire altercation never happened, and walked away from court with an undisclosed settlement from the now deceased sniper’s estate.

In the wake of this controversy, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin spoke out against Ventura publicly on Twitter. Ventura tweeted out a series of retalitatory responses related to Palin’s comments, which he later deleted but did not issue an apologize for.

“Do you think I care at all about what @SarahPalinUSA has to say? Why are people still paying any attention to her?” said Ventura via Twitter. “[She] is the Honey Boo-Boo of politicians.”

Palin’s Twitter followers began attacking Ventura, eventually leading to him delete the tweets, but making no comment about them. Ventura had recently launched his show “Off the Grid” on the Ora TV Network, which he was in the middle of promoting on his twitter account, likely prompting him to delete the tweets about Palin.

Jesse Ventura has been outspoken about his distaste for the rich running the country and the greed in Washington being the primary element bringing down our country.  He continues to flirt with the idea of running for President, but political experts have been doubtful.

“This isn’t the movie Idiocracy,” stated John Greer, Professor of Public Policy and Education at Vanderbilt University. “The only thing Jesse is going to put a choke hold on is legitimate third-party candidates vying for their parties’ nomination. Hulk Hogan would have a better chance of winning the election.”

When directly asked if he planned on running for president, Ventura was positive about the idea.

“You don’t have to be some fat cat in Washington with Pfizer in your pocket to be the President. However, I don’t know if I am ready to take on the burden of trying to fix a broken system. I am going to announce my final decision on the season finale to “Off the Grid,” so everyone will have to just tune in.”

 

Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

In a surprise combined press conference Michele Bachmann (Rep. Minnesota) and Sarah Palin (ex-governor, ex-reality show star, ex-fox news correspondent, current star of the SarahPalin network) announced that they would be supporting each other for the republican presidential nomination in 2016.

“With 2016 being only two or maybe three years away, it’s time to announce our candidacy,” Bachmann announced to the crowd of nearly 50 eager supporters.

“We need to put the United States back on the path of rightness,” Palin said. “We need to stop this influx of immigrants. Everybody knows our great country wasn’t built on immigration!”

When questioned on how they could both support each other when in the end there can be only one nominee for president, the two ladies surprisingly had an answer.

“Whichever one of us gets the nomination for president will choose the other one for their running mate,” Bachmann said.

“Yes,” Palin agreed. “This way our country gets not only its first female president, but also our first female vice president. It’s like killing two moose with one shot.” Palin also noted that she has experience as a losing VP candidate, which she will be sure to pass on to Michele.

The two women both agreed that either of them would be a far superior president than Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

“How does being Secretary of State even remotely make you qualified to be leader of this great country?” Palin asked. “My SarahPalin network, which costs a very reasonable $9.95 a month, has greatly prepared me to be President. After all, the president needs to know about the Internet and stuff and I know stuff,” Palin noted.

Bachmann practically snickered at the thought of an ex-Secretary of State becoming president, commenting that she didn’t even know that secretaries did anything other than take dictation.

“Secretaries are SO out of date. You would think she would at least be Administrative Assistant of state. What did she do? Bring coffee to the males of state?” Bachmann smiled proudly when she added, “I have my husband to bring me coffee.”

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