Clinton Campaign Staffer Says Hillary Tried To ‘Sell Her Soul’ To Win, Turns Out She Doesn’t Have Soul



A former Clinton campaign staffer has come forward, claiming that Hillary Clinton literally tried to make a deal with the devil during the campaign, but it failed miserably.

“She had me on the phone for hours so that I could get in touch with Mr. Satan,” said the staffer. “I was able to reach him, finally, after many calls and call-backs. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get in touch with the Devil. Anyway, we arranged a meeting between The Dark One and Hillary.”

The anonymous staffer claims, though, that once the meeting was set and Satan showed up with the contract, the terms could not be met.

“Naturally, Satan wanted Hillary’s soul in exchange for the presidency, but as it turns out, Clinton doesn’t have a soul to begin with,” said the staffer. “Needless to say, Beelzebub was not very happy about making such a long trip for nothing, and vowed that she would never win. Turns out he was right.”

Satan could not be reached for comment about the deal.

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church


A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

Halloween 2015 Will Be 666th In History



This October 31st, trick-or-treaters have something a little more ghoulish and spooky to contend with than just ghosts, witches, and Frozen characters. This year’s Halloween will be the 666th in history, making it extra “hellish” for some.

666, which is widely recognized as the “number of the beast,” or the number representing Satan, is almost as unlucky or uncomfortable for some as the unlucky number 13. Many parents say that they are refusing to take their children out trick-or-treating this year, in fear of the Devil coming to take their children.

“This is an extra special Halloween, and one that I am truly terrified of,” said Jolene Myers, 38. Her sons, Dylan and Michael, both 8, have been begging her to let them go trick-or-treating this year dressed as football players, but Myers, so far, is refusing. “I have no desire to watch my only two boys get swallowed up by the demon Beelzebub. They will still be young enough to go out on the 667th Halloween, and this year, I’ll just buy them a couple bags of candy.”

According to historians who have completely made up the history of the holiday, the first Halloween, then known as Samhain, took place in 1350.

“Kids went out, door to door, asking for some sort of token or treat,” said Halloween historian Jack King. “If they did not receive a treat, then they would burn the house down with the residents inside, ‘tricking’ them into burning in hell. Obviously times have changed greatly, but this year, the 666th, is definitely going to bring on some truly heinous evil. The sprits of those burned alive in their homes will certainly be restless this year.”

Police say that they will be “extra vigilant” this year in watching for young children who will be out alone, and hope that everyone has a safe, albeit scary, holiday.

Kentucky Middle Schools Forcing Students To Take Class On Satanic Bible

FRANKFORT, Kentucky – Kentucky Middle Schools To Force Satanic Bible Studies Be Taught To Students

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.



Christian Groups Outraged By New ‘Star Wars’ Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Release

HOLLYWOOD, California – Christian Groups Outraged By New 'Star Wars' Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Film's Release

Christian groups and religious families have been publicly shunning the new Star Wars movie, and it doesn’t even hit theatres for over a year. Many devout, religious people are complaining that a single, quick image from the trailer is proof that the movie’s director, J.J. Abrams, as well franchise owners Disney, are out to promote the worship of Satan.

“It’s disgusting, truly an outrage,” said Peggy Lewis, a member of the group Christians Against Everything. “Did you see the filth they’re portraying in that commercial? It’s bad enough that they’re enticing kids with ‘the dark side’ and violence, but one of the characters in the movie is carrying an inverted cross as a weapon. And it’s a fiery red! The movie promotes Hell and Satan!”

In the film’s trailer, a Sith is seen carrying a lightsaber, the popular weapon of choice for the Jedi characters as well as their rivals, with “spokes” that come out of either side of the handle.

“I mean come on,” said Richard Sweat, co-founder of the religious group Christians United, Never Torn, an extremely religious group of parents who help to promote Jesus and the gospel through family film and music. “It’s clearly Satanic imagery. As it is, lightsabers were always extremely phallic, and as we all know anything long and phallic is automatically gay. Now the lightsabers are gay and anti-God! There will be a massive boycott of this film from every good Christian in American when it comes out.”

“I have no idea what the big deal is,” said Abrams, director of blockbuster films such as Star Trek and Super 8. “Disney isn’t really known for being anti-Christian, and there’s no way that they’d allow that sort of imagery into the movie. Perhaps people should wait and see [the movie] before they make judgements on whether it’s good, bad, Satanic, gay, or whatever. Yes, we’ve got new characters, and yes they have new weapons. Yes, we’ve got a black storm trooper. My God, everyone – it was a teaser trailer. Just wait and see what happens!”

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens is scheduled for release in December, 2015.

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