There Were No School Shootings In The United States This Week, Marking The First Time in 2018

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the first time since October of 2017, there were no school shootings in the entire United States this week, and police throughout the country are breathing a huge sigh of relief.

“Every week, you never know if it’s going to be your town that it happens, that your station is the next to get the call,” said Deputy Michael Rick of the Miami Police Department, a 23-year veteran. “So far, we’ve been lucky here. We have had plenty of other gun violence, but no school shootings. We’re always prepared, though. You have to be.”

The sentiments were echoed by hundreds of officers around the country that we spoke to, with nearly all of them saying that they’re dreading the day it happens in their town.

“It almost seems like it’s not an ‘if’ anymore, but a ‘when,'” said Chief Mario Francis of the Dallas-Forth Worth State Patrol. “I have 3 young kids in school in the area, and I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is, if I have to shoot a kid before he shoots my kid, I’ll goddamn do it.”

Florida School To Allow Students To Bring Guns To Class For Protection

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MIAMI, Florida –

A school district in Miami has voted to allow students in grades 3-12 to bring guns and other weapons to school, in hopes that it will curb a potential deadly school shooting.

“We strongly believe that if a student here wanted to come in and cause a massacre, that it can be thwarted by them knowing that the entire school is packing,” said Principal Jorge Kelly. “While most teachers were leery of bringing guns onto campus, these children have grown up with video games like Call of Duty, and watched violent movies since birth. They know how to handle a weapon.”

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Parents of students in the district say they are already “sleeping more soundly” knowing that such a sweeping change was happening that would protect their children.

“We are very grateful to the school district for allowing this to happen,” said Maria Lambert, a parent of a child in 7th grade. “My son already has a rifle that we gifted him for hunting with his grandfather. Now he can bring it to class, and we will feel much safer.”

“I’m so stoked to bring my gat to class,” said high school sophomore Chris Rifkin. “I bought it from a bro I know, and he says the thing shoots straight as hell. If any motherfucker comes up in this bitch ready to pop off, I’m gonna place a few between his eyes. Blat! Blat! Bitch.”

High School Girl Shoots Classmate Over Accessories

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BEVERLY HILLS, California – 

17-year-old shooting suspect Elizabeth Simpson allegedly shot  Lyne Pennington in the bathroom at Page Private School in Beverly Hills. The altercation was reportedly over a handbag. Luckily, only one of six shots hit Pennington, but her family says she will be permanently disfigured, and they have retained counsel.

Simpson’s self-proclaimed BFF, Karen Rich, says she does not understand how this could have happened. “It was only a Katie Spaulding bag. I can’t believe she, like, even cared the bitch bought the same one,” said Rich.

Rich also says Simpson and Pennington had a long rivalry over accessories, nail styles, and boys. “Like, I could see them being like, ‘bitch!’ and calling that bitch out, but I can’t believe she took it to that level. I’ve got to find out where she got that gun. It was like, so cute.”

Simpson was released on $25,000 bail, which was paid by her Daddy.

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