Boy Expelled For Playing ‘Death Of Jesus’ During School Recess, Crucifying Other Students

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PLAINVIEW, Texas –

A Plainview boy was expelled from school this week after he was caught ‘crucifying’ other students during recess. According to school officials, Jacob Smith, 9, was sent home with his parents after reports that he was tying other children to sticks he’d formed in the shape of a cross, and slapping them with branches or jump ropes.

“Jacob was caught whipping other students that he’d tied to a cross, and also spitting on them and calling them names,” said school administrator Mark Jones. “Apparently, this is a game that Jacob had convinced many students to play over the last several weeks, telling them that it was ‘fun,’ and that if they didn’t play with him, they would go to hell.”

Jacob’s parents say that he is a very bright boy, and that he was just acting out the things he’d learned.

“We read the bible every day at home, and we recently learned about the crucifixion of Christ,” said Jacob’s mother, Mary. “Jacob was very excited to learn about the death of Christ, and we encouraged him to talk to play and talk with his friends. If this is what he wanted to do to explore what our Lord and Savior went through, then we stand behind him 100%.”

School officials say that several of the children received rope burns and lash marks across their bodies, and that many parents are threatening to sue Jacob’s family.

“This is why we shouldn’t have religion, and this is why it definitely shouldn’t be taught to children,” said Phil Brewer, whose son, Mike, was whipped with a jump rope for over 20 minutes before being untied. “Christ isn’t real, the Bible is just stories made up for insecure, mindless idiots. Obviously these people need to do something about their hellion of a son before he starts skinning people and wearing their flesh or something. It’s disgusting what religion has done to him…to everyone, really.”

White Christian Teen Arrested For Wearing Shoes With Picture Of Clock To School

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRYEBURG, Maine –

A 13-year-old white student was arrested at a school in Fryeburg, Maine this morning for allegedly wearing shoes that had a picture of a clock on them. Police say that white kid Jacob Smith painted the shoes himself, and has a keen interest in clocks and art, and thought other kids would think they were “cool.”

“Jacob Smith was arrested after wearing inappropriate footwear to class,” said Fryeburg police chief Aaron Silver. “The school has a zero-tolerance policy for items that are, or appear to be, any sort of timepiece, as it is possible that it could be an explosive.”

The school board says that Smith, who is in the ninth grade at Fryeburg High School, is a straight-A student, and enjoys art, English, and hitting on girls during gym class.

“He’s a typical white kid who happens to be a tad bit smarter than the other kids in his class,” said teacher Jeanne Curtis. “Obviously the kid has a knack for footwear, but I’m sorry – clocks, whether they are drawn, bought, built, or whatever, have no place in my classroom. It was only right that I call the police.”

A 14-year-old student in Texas was arrested recently after bringing a clock to school that he had “built,” although authorities knew right off it wasn’t a bomb, and was a just a hoax device. In that case, it was obvious to police and investigators that the family designed the entire event to spur racist arguments in the media and to gain attention for the family, who are known media hounds. Sadly, the news outlets nationwide weren’t bright enough to figure out the sad, lame attempt, and fed right into it.

“This situation is different than that Muslim kid in Texas,” said Silver. “This is a white kid in Maine. The fact that he’s white, though, shouldn’t matter, because he should know better. Maybe he thought because he was white he could get away with it, I don’t know. Either way, h was arrested and charged with reckless artistic abandon and criminal threatening. Thank God he’s a Christian. Maybe he can pray his way out of trouble.”

According to Silver, if convicted, Jacob Smith could face up to 24 hours in the jail.

Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

$Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes$

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

In a bid to give more focus to specific requirements of education that they feel are most important, officials in the Alabama school district in Huntsville say they are working to phase out math and science classes, to focus on subjects that they say ‘matter the most.’

“Our students have an abysmal time, as do most students throughout the country, reading and writing,” said school superintendent Russell Davis. “If we remove math and science, as well as gym and after-school sports, from the students’ curriculum, it will give us more time to focus on teaching them proper grammar and language skills.”

Testing scores in English and grammar, as well as reading comprehension, have been done throughout the state of Alabama for over a decade, declining year-over-year. With math scores staying steadily in the ‘average’ area, school officials began making the necessary steps to eliminate what they consider ‘extra work.’

“It’s time we got rid of math. Most of our kids are proficient enough at basic math, and since they’ll all end up working at some fast food joint anyway, all they need to know how to do is make change,” said school principal George Jackson. “But, they’ll never be able to get a job at all if they can’t read the application and write their name down correctly. It’s a win-win for these stupid kids.”

Other states will be watching closely to see the results of the new curriculum in Alabama, with a specific focus on future test scores.

“I’m so glad that Joey isn’t going to be bringing home math anymore,” said Marsha Goldsmith, mother of 12-year-old Joey. “I don’t know shit about math, and I barely have time after getting home from work at Burger King to figure out his damn problems. It’ll be much easier just showing him how to conjugate a verb.”

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To Avoid ‘Hurting Anyone’s Feelings’

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JEROME, Arizona –

A school board in Jerome, Arizona has voted to pass all students through each grade, regardless of the student’s grades or abilities, each year up to, and including, graduation senior year. The school says that it is in an effort to “decrease student drop-out rates” and “increase morale amongst the kids.”

According to the Jerome Gazette, the drop-out rate for students in their school district is a whopping 63%.

“Most kids here, they make it to about 7th or 8th grade, then they drop out. It’s really frustrating. We have good teachers but bad students, basically,” said school board president Larry Moore. “They start leaving when they realize they’ll never graduate anyway, so they’d rather start working at their fast food job then, rather than waiting and feeling sorry for themselves.”

School superintendent Florence Simms says that they decided to just start passing students regardless of their level of comprehension of a subject, and regardless of grades, so that more kids might be tempted to stay in school.

“It doesn’t matter that they know we’re passing them even if they’re completely stupid,” said Simms. “What matters is they’re staying, coming to school for the 8 hours each day, and eventually, something might sink in. I’d rather that they have a little bit more education, even if it’s just learning their times tables or how to write in cursive, before heading off to the world of work than having almost no education. Plus, we sometimes had kids who did apply themselves, and graduated for real. One with honors, even. So how does that make the rest of the kids feel? Horrible. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Students seems mostly pleased with the new rule on automatic passing, saying that they are happy they will end up with an actual diploma.

“I was pretty much ready to drop out,” said 14-year-old Michael Davidson. “My dad dropped out. Grandpa dropped out. Mom dropped out when she got pregnant with my sister. Oh, yeah – my sister dropped out, too. Guess I’ll be the first one in my family to get a high school degree. Shit, maybe I can go to college now, too!”

Simms says that the program is one that she hopes other schools with high drop-out rates will consider, modeling their programs after what Jerome has done.

“It’s a real winner,” said Simms. “This year, we’ll have 14 graduates! That’s 12 more than last year. By 2035, we anticipate having a graduating class of over 200. Mostly because all these idiots who we’re passing through will be boning like mad and having more idiot kids. The cycle is strong, here in Jerome.”

Britney Spears Wants Sons to Live ‘Normal Lives’ As Kids of Mega-Rich Celebrity

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Britney Spears made entertainment news recently by going back to school – enrolling in math classes so that she would be able to help her sons with their difficult homework. She told E! Entertainment that all she wants is for her sons to lead the lives of regular boys who are children of a multimillionaire celebrity.

“It’s so important to me that their lives are no different to other kids their ages,” she said, “who have parents of major stardom. That’s why I’m ensuring that they get in the news for doing math homework. I heard Angelina [Jolie]’s kids are learning about the Civil War, and I didn’t want my boys to feel left out.”

The 33-year-old singer has two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline – Sean,9, and Jayden James, 8. The brothers have been in the spotlight since before birth. It is expected that they grow into troubled teenagers, like many of their friends from celebrity families.

“Sean already feels a little let down by me I think,” said Spears. “He hasn’t had the amount of publicity that other children are getting, and that’s my fault. And perhaps I haven’t had enough issues lately, which would have made me self-involved and neglectful, like any good celebrity mother.”

Jayden, however, has led a life like other famous-by-association boys of his age, and Britney is not worried about his prospects in the public eye.

“He has followers on Twitter, I posted pics of him being breastfed and taking baths, I did all that stuff so he would fit in. The paparazzi know everything about him and make his life as claustrophobic as should be expected for the son of an award-winning artist.”

Kevin Federline, the boys’ father and Spears’ ex-husband, acknowledged that Britney is doing a good job raising their children.

“I approve of how she’s handled it. They’re going to rival the best of the celebrity kids.”

Teacher Put On Suspension After Waterboarding Students During Detention

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

A local high school gym teacher has been temporarily suspended with pay, after reports of him allegedly waterboarding his students while in detention. Keith Evans, 56, may be looking at time behind bars if the charges are to stick, but he claims he was just doing his job by disciplining his students.

“I spent a lot of time in the military and working for the government before becoming a teacher, and that’s how you treated trouble cases,” said Evans, completely disregarding his union representative’s advice to not speak to the press.

Police are convinced Evans learned this technique during his very colorful background in the United States military. They feel that Evans may be ‘numb’ to the idea that waterboarding is harmful, and feel that no matter how the probably pending legal case goes, he will never understand what type of danger he put these students into.

“These kids were liars, cheats, and thieves, and I know that what I did what was right,” said Evans. “It’s not like I killed anyone. And it’s not like I ran the water over their faces for minutes at a time, like we used to do to terror suspects. It was just for a few seconds, just to teach them to wise up a bit. Hell, some of the kids were on the school’s swim team, so not only am I disciplining, them I’m training them for their next swim meet.”

“Honestly, I have no idea what any of this is about,” said Bobby Reynolds, 15. “I was in that detention, and Mr. Evans never bothered any of us. Not at all. We were totally fine, and detention was just quiet and nice. There was no waterboarding or any other torture going on.”

Evans has been put on leave, pending investigation. So far, none of the 14 kids in the detention will admit to any torture. Police think that they may all be too scared of Evans to admit what happened. 3 of the children did report better-than-average times in their last swim meet, though.

Kindergarten Teacher In Hot Water After Having Students Draw Pictures Of Muhammad

Posted on January 9, 2015 by Angela Baker

ATLANTA, Georgia –

After finding out what their children have been drawing in class, some parents are threatening to pull their children out of Peach Street Kindergarten in Atlanta, Georgia. Teacher Mary Christian says she has been having the children draw pictures of Muhammad, and that it is ‘all in good fun,’ and a great way for her class to rally behind the massacre at France’s Charlie Hebdo satirical magazine.

“We’ve been doing a unit on other parts of the world, and the kids had just learned about the Eiffel Tower when the terrorists attacked France. Now the kids are hearing things like ‘Terror in Paris’ on TV, and naturally they started asking questions. One of the students asked me, ‘Mrs. Christian, what made these men so angry?’ So this new unit was to help them understand religions.”

Six-year old student Ben explained his thoughts about the drawing classes to The Georgian Gazette Daily News. “Muhammad really doesn’t like having his picture taken, I guess, so I asked Mrs. Christian if we could draw him. My Mom gets really angry if you take her picture, too, but she always puts the pictures I draw of her on our refrigerator. I’m glad mommy doesn’t have guns when she gets mad.”

When asked if she knows who Muhammad is, kindergartener Crystal said that he was part of other people’s “wrong beliefs.”

“Mrs. Christian told us Muhammad is like Jesus in the part of the world Aladdin is from, but he’s got a big beard like Santa,” said Crystal. “I drew my Muhammad with a blue beard, because blue is my favorite color.”

Christian says she doesn’t know what people are so upset about. “I think it is important for kids to know about other religions, so they can understand how stupid they are. Someday they will learn all about Jesus in Sunday school, but I can at least start them early in understanding that Muhammad isn’t real, and Jesus was. Personally, I support Charlie Hebdo, and the job they’ve done in mocking these horrible, sickening religions. I hope that they come back from their troubles and don’t lose their religious edge.”

School officials say they are “looking into the matter,” but so far they have not fired or suspended the teacher from her position.

Eighth Grade Teacher Suspended For Teaching Students Oral Sex Techniques Using Cucumbers

Posted on December 31, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SEATTLE, Washington –

An eighth grade teacher in Seattle, Washington is under massive scrutiny, and in some cases, praise, after teaching female students how to perform oral sex using cucumbers. Many male students observed, as well as several other teachers from the school.

Michelle Johanson, 28, a health teacher at Jameson Middle School in the North Central Seattle neighborhood of Wallingford, reportedly taught students who volunteered to stay after school how to properly perform oral sex on a male as she demonstrated while using a cucumber. Johanson also provided female students with cucumbers of their own as she demonstrated the act as several male students and teachers, observed the innovative teaching technique.

As can be imagined, several parents were outraged when their daughters came home excitedly to show their parents what they learned at school that day. Rebecca McDougal, whose 13-year-old daughter is a student in Johanson’s class, told The Seattle Observer that her daughter came directly home and showed her what she had learned by grabbing a some vegetables from the refrigerator and practicing.

“I could not believe it, she knew how to do things I never learned to do. Not to mention the size of the cucumber Ms. Johanson gave her – it was certainly bigger than any penis I’ve ever had. Definitely bigger than Becca’s dad. It’s pretty sad when your 13-year-old daughter teaches you how to do what you never could,” McDougal said. “I mean Ms. Johanson should at least show her male students how to perform oral sex on females while she is at it.”

Not all parents were outraged however, such as William Ragsdale, who’s 12-year-old daughter was one of the students Johanson taught the act to. “I think it’s a great thing. Women usually don’t really learn how to do it right until their mid-thirties, at least. That’s what I’ve found from experience, anyway. At least now my little girl will have a head start” Ragsdale said. “I commend Ms. Johanson for her ballsy approach.”

After being reviewed by the Washington State Board of Education, it has been declared that Michelle Johanson will not face any possibility of termination. In fact, by showing initiative, the board is contemplating reviewing its stance on sexual education and considering teaching both female and male students how to properly perform oral sex. Johanson was suspended one week with pay to avoid any unwanted confrontations. She is expected to return to her classroom by next Monday.

Johanson has not come forward to speak with media as of yet, as she was reportedly advised by her teacher’s union representative to keep her mouth plugged for the time being.

Taliban Vows to Kill More Children If Demands Aren’t Met

Posted on December 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PESHAWAR, Pakistan –

On Monday night, while most of America slumbered safely in their beds, Taliban gunman stormed a school in the Northwestern Pakistani city of Peshawar. Group leaders say the attack that killed 141 people, mostly children, will not be the last in their campaign.

A Pakistani military spokesman, Asim Bajwa, says this is not the first attack on children, and they expect the violence to escalate.

“This isn’t the first attack on our schools. The seven attackers are dead, thankfully, but I fear there will be bigger attacks to come. I don’t think that our government, or the American government, cares about this plight we are facing. I fear we are lost.”

“The problem is, there are many, many more people willing to join with the Taliban and blow their nuts off for this insane cause. All we can do is take ‘em out, one cave at a time,” said US military spokesperson Sam Jackson. “As aid, the US government plans to send some old metal detectors, retired volunteer policemen, and a guy wearing a McGruff the Crime Dog suit to help make their schools safer. We could send military, but to be honest, we just don’t give a shit about – Hey, wait. This is off the record, right?”

The Taliban has said that they believe this violent attack will help them recruit new members. “If you’re not with us you’re against us. Come join us, brothers, and we will teach you the way. We will kill soft, American piglets together. Death to infidels! Death to America!”

President Obama responded to the threats of further violence in Pakistan with a light shrug, and a frown-face. “We’ll do all we can, but to be fair, the gunmen have already been killed, so there’s no real reason to get involved right now. If this massacre and violence had happened in an American school, then the call to action would immediate. But this all happened on a foreign land, with foreign forces attacking foreign people in a foreign school. I think for now, we’ll just wait it out.”

Al Gore Rushed to New England Hospital With Symptoms Of Frostbite

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

Former vice-president Al Gore was reportedly struck with a violent case of frostbite earlier this morning, while indoctrinating America’s youth in the perils of global warming at a New England elementary school .

After a frighteningly inappropriate speech given in the schools gymnasium, Gore was invited to follow the children out to recess. According to several teachers, Gore was not appropriately dressed for the cold front gripping the area, and while playing ‘King of the Hill’ with the children, he became soaked in cold, wet snow. A secret service agent, assigned to the former vice-president during his tours, noticed red splotches on Gore’s face and hands.

“Well, it was supposed to be a speech on conservation. You know – turn off lights, don’t run the water when brushing your teeth, that sort of thing,” said Ralph Stevens, 4th grade teacher. “But Mr. Gore took his speech over the top. My God, he had a slide show featuring dead polar bears, crying Eskimos, and drawings of cities under water. When it was done, the children were visibly upset and many were crying about the dead animals, so I called for recess to cheer them up.”

“It was disgusting, really,” said Principal Ann Parsons. “Mr. Gore followed the children outside, taking over a game of King of the Hill, and he was violently shoving kids off the hill, declaring himself Ruler of the World. I tried to stop it, but the secret service would not let me get close. It was unseasonably chilly, around 28 degrees, and although the children were all dressed in winter clothes, Mr. Gore was just in a suit and tie, not even a jacket. After about an hour, the secret service swarmed around him and whisked him away to the motorcade, knocking over children as they went. I was glad to see him go.”

“Luckily the doctors say I will end up being okay, and that we got here in time, so there’s no reason to amputate anything,” said Gore from a Massachusetts General hospital bed. ”I was wondering why my entire body was aching and hurting. I just thought it was because I was throwing all those kids around. Anyway, I just want everyone to know global warming is real, and that I will continue to educate the children through my school tours. I can show you all the science you need, but the average temperature dropping over the last seven years should prove it all. If no one else, the uneducated kids of America will certainly believe me.”