Subliminal Messages Found in Beatles Tracks on Spotify

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

According to Illuminati watchdogs, Spotify didn’t just release the Beatles back-catalog to make some money, they did it to mess with your mind.

“A subliminal message can be overlain with music so it is inaudible to the conscious mind, but still has an effect on the subconscious,” said professor John Gold at Boston’s Harvard College. “The actual effectiveness of subliminal advertising is in question, but according to conspiracy theorists, that’s just what they want you to think. In fact it is very effective, used in advertisements and propaganda all the time.”

Burnt out old hippie Harry Brown warns, “As tempting as it is to tune in, don’t do it. Big brother just wants to keep you pacified. Think about it. Everyone likes the Beatles. Almost everyone has Spotify. If I was trying to control the population, that’s what I’d do. They just want everyone to be mindless little sheep. But hell no, man. Not me. That’s why I’m sticking with my vinyl, man. Face it, MP3 sound will never be as real. You gotta stay real no matter what you do.”

Spotify did not comment on the Beatles subliminal messaging, but it has been noted that subscriptions to the paid service have gone up substantially since the catalog was released on Christmas eve.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A slew of emails between anonymous officials has revealed a shocking truth about E-Z Pass, the electronic toll payment system used by millions of Americans every day. According to the documents, the E-Z Pass system was secretly set up by the U.S. Government to help track and monitor individuals as they travel.

“The system has been in place for over 25 years, and it has helped us to watch over everyone,” said one of the e-mails. “We believe that a spread of E-Z Pass throughout the entire country would help to further our needs of collecting and storing data.”

“It’s crazy! I already have my aluminum hat on, I’ve taped over the mic and camera on my laptop, and I even cancelled my internet so the government didn’t know what kind of porn I was jerking it to…and now I can’t even drive anywhere?! It’s crazy!” said E-Z Pass user Mike Pooler. “The government is on to us! They’re on to us, and they’re coming for our women, our children, and especially our guns!”

Supposedly set up just to make traffic flow easier by tying a small box, read by a machine at every toll both, to your checking account or bank card, E-Z Pass users have said that, as of late, they have felt “less safe” using the device. It isn’t just the government that may be tracking your location, though. According to some users, E-Z Pass may also be selling your travel data to advertising companies.

“I used to drive everywhere, and just throw some quarters in a slot, and all was right with the world,” said Joe Goldsmith, a former E-Z Pass user. “When E-Z Pass came out, it was great – you barely even need to slow down. I noticed more recently, though, that whenever I travelled, I’d come home and I’d have emails about places I’d visited. Or I would get unsolicited mail about new hotels in areas I had just been. It scared the hell out of me. I threw my E-Z Pass away.”