Woman Sells Her 2-Year-Old Son On Craigslist To Get Money For Abortion

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Marlene Jones, 23, was arrested for attempting to sell her 2-year-old son Jamal to a couple via Craigslist. Jones says that she needed the money for an abortion.

“Look, I already hads the one kid, and it was too damn much just feeding his ass and shit,” said Jones. “Then I found out that Marques got me pregnant. Or Damien did. Or Leon. Shit, it don’t matter who the baby daddy is. Alls I’m saying is that no one was giving me no $400 to go get rid of the kid, so better to kill two birds with one stone, anyway.”

Jones says that getting pregnant with her son Jamal was also an accident, and it ‘ruined her life.’

“Everyone kept telling me to keep him. They saying stuff like ‘Oh, you don’t want him now, but carry the baby and when he comes out you’ll never love anything more,'” said Jones. “I don’t know why I be listening to dumb bitches. I love plenty of things more. I love my Gucci bag more than Jamal for shit sake. I definitely ain’t about to be having no other one.”

The couple who were planning on purchasing Jamal said that they were “only doing it to help the child,” and see that he didn’t stay in an unwanted home. They are being charged in separate crimes by police.

BFFs Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King Not Speaking Over ‘Underwear Dispute’

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MAUI, Hawaii –

Long time best friends Oprah Winfrey and Gayle are officially on the outs, and Oprah says she will not get over the betrayal.

“All those times she screwed Stedman. I got over it – But stealing my most personal things is something I will not tolerate,” said the billionaire TV personality.

King has apparently admitted to secretly stealing and selling granny panties from Oprah’s underwear drawer for years.

“So here and there I slipped some drawers into my purse? She’s one of the richest women in the word, and the tightwad won’t even consider loaning me a few thousand. So, I found a harmless, quick way to make a grand. I’m sure most people would do the same.”

King says that she has been selling the panties as “worn by Oprah” or “moistened by Oprah” for several years on different websites, sometimes fetching up to $5,000 for a single pair of panties.

“I don’t even want to think about what became of my personals. It’s downright disgusting. Of course, I’m just a little flattered, but it’s also insulting they didn’t go for more than a measly few grand.”

Sources say that Oprah has considered selling her own underwear and bras online to supplement her income now that she has learned of their possible value.

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island –

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

Panasonic Creates First 250-Inch TV For Home Consumers

Posted on April 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Panasonic has announced this week their biggest venture yet – a 250-inch HDTV that they plan to release for the home market in time for the holiday season. The model, which they are calling Megasonic, will reportedly retail for $1.1 million.

“Clearly this is not the TV for the lowly, minimum-wage paid worker,” said Panasonic spokesman Carl Sukayama. “Those people can still get our other TVs on Black Friday for $99.99 or whatever. This TV is for the TV Gods, and we plan on making sure that people love it, and we’re making it perfect. We have to, because frankly, most people will have to remove a wall to get it in their homes.”

Full specs of the TV were not immediately made available, but Sukayama did say that it would have “ample HDMI” connections, as well as be 4k-HD compatible.

“This TV needs to be a super-high resolution, because if you’re watching a movie on it, you’re going to see everything – every wart, every pimple, every scar. We want those imperfections of today’s hottest actors to be seen in the highest possible display quality. When we begin showing the screen images, you will be blown away.”

Sukayama says that he hopes that by Christmas of 2016, a full year after they plan to launch, that at least a quarter of a million homes throughout the US will have one.

“I know everyone already skips movie theatres and downloads their movies or streams on Netflix. Get this TV, and you’ll never have to go to the movies again.”

Reportedly, the TV will have the ability to pick up SD or HD signals, accept inputs from up to 15 devices, be wi-fi and bluetooth compatible, transform into a small car, and teach your children foreign languages.

Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon.com, America’s largest online marketplace, announced plans to begin selling marijuana and Methamphetamine to states where the drugs are legal. Shares of Amazon rose 15% on the news, and analysts predict this will be a huge income opportunity for Amazon.

”We are going to test marijuana sales in Colorado starting immediately. The good news is all marijuana sales will be prime eligible, so you will only have to wait two days for your pot,” said Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. “Our research shows most pot users don’t like leaving their houses, so having it delivered right to their doorstep will be a big selling point. We are also offering our own line of Methamphetamine that will be called ‘Amazon Highs’. ‘ Amazon Highs’ will be just under the illegal dosage, making them sellable in all states. The pot and the ‘Amazon Highs’ should be big sellers with the young people, so we are looking forward to huge profits.”

“Not leaving my house for drugs, getting high legally…Shit, I love living in Colorado,” said town stoner Matt Kelly. ”Amazon is the best. I mean it’s a big corporation so I should hate it, but how can I hate a business that brings me my drugs?”

Not to be outdone in the drug-delivery game, Dominos Pizza has announced that they, too, are looking into selling marijuana with their other products, promising a 30-minute guaranteed delivery. Chuck Edwards, regional manager of Dominos says, “It makes perfect sense, because our pizza tastes better when you’re stoned. Our research shows that stoners don’t think far enough in advance to order their pot two days prior to needing it, so the 30 minute guarantee will have the kids calling us instead of Amazon.”