President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As it turns out, the Republicans may have been right all along, and President Obama is not the smartest person in the room after all. Since Woodrow Wilson took office in 1913, all presidents have been given an IQ test at some point during their time as leader. Gerald Ford always held the record for lowest score, with a 111, which is considered just slightly above average. On the other end of the spectrum, George W. Bush scored a 132, which is considered ‘gifted.’ Two-Thirds of people who take the standardized IQ test score between 85-115.

The White House today spun President Obama’s 102 as a ‘solid average’ that is nothing to be ashamed of.

”President Obama never claimed to be smarter than anybody else. As a matter as fact, he has always represented himself as a regular guy, ‘a man of the people,’ as it were,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary. “The key to being a good leader is to surround yourself with smart people, which President Obama has always done. As far as needing to be a genius to run the country, well – George W. Bush had the highest score ever, and look at how that mess turned out. So, the next time President Obama bypasses congress with an executive order, and you’re about to say something cruel, racist, or otherwise completely ignorant, remember that he’s just a regular guy getting things done for you. And hey! At least he’s in the triple digits!”

“Ha! I knew it! King Obama is just a few points away from being a dummy,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”Einstein was a 160, and guess what America – I scored 145! I’m smarter than 99% of you! When I’m elected President, I’ll bring some common sense and smarts back into the White House. Let’s face it, don’t you want your President to be smarter than the guy asking you whether you want to ‘super size’ your fries at the drive through? ‘Vote for me America, I’m smart!’ Hell, I think I’ll make that a bumper sticker!”

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

“Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

“It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”