Google Programmers Admit They ‘Don’t Know Celebrities’, Can’t Tell Difference Between Marilyn Manson, Shia ‘Labuff’

MOUNTAIN VIEW, California –

After sharp-eyed Google users began posting thousands of comments onto the company’s social media pages about a curious result to the search query “How Old Is Marilyn Manson,” Google finally admitted to the fact that they have “no knowledge” of celebrities, and that they don’t care to learn, either.

“Apparently, when searching for information on Marilyn Manson, users were greeted with a picture of Shia LeBuff…Labof. Of the Transformers kid,” said Google programmer Myles Jones. “To be frank, we don’t have the slightest idea who either of those people are, really. I seriously had to Google who Shia Labowf…Shia Lebeef…ugh, whatever – I had to Google him before I was even able to make this response. We at Google work hard to do things right, but pop culture? Celebrities? We just can’t be bothered.”

According to users on Reddit, people searching for information on Marilyn Manson, specifically his birthday, were given an answer by Google with the correct month, day, and year – but with a picture of actor Shia LaBeouf where an image of the ‘Beautiful People’ singer should have been.

“I thought it was a gag or something,” said Reddit user IPFreely69. “I laughed my ass off. Then I posted it to the web as a gag ‘conspiracy’ – Is Marilyn Manson and Shia LeBeouf The Same Person?!, and people jumped all over it, and then all over Google. Now I’m hearing that Google, the biggest search engine and most-trafficked website in the world, doesn’t know a thing about celebrities. So, I’m wondering if they really know a thing about anything. How do I know that any information they get for me is accurate?”

“We strive to make sure that all our user’s searches end with the correct information, or at least lead somewhere where the correct information can be found,” said Jones. “Whether it be searches for cat videos, searches for buying a new big screen TV, or searches for buying a new big set of titties, there’s a lot of really complicated algorithms and programming that goes into a massive search engine. We’re just a group of nerds working our asses off to make the site work. To be honest, should we really know who Shia Labuford…Shia Laroux? Shiaaa…aww, shit. Should we really have to know who Marilyn Manson is?”

Google says that they are working to fix the error made by their software team, and they don’t believe any specific programmer or developer maliciously swapped information or images in their search queries.

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Soleil Moon Frye, the actress known to millions as 1980s TV moppet Punky Brewster, has decided to sell something very personal on eBay. No, it’s not those miss-matched sneakers from her starring role; The actress, now 37, recently put her eggs up for auction on eBay with a starting bid of $10.

“I was hoping the opening bid would be more than $100, said Frye, “but I understand. I don’t have the eggs of a 20-year-old anymore. If I was a younger actress, like Jennifer Lawrence or Shia La Beouf, I bet I’d be able to get maybe ten or eleven thousand per egg. It’s much like how Hollywood operates,” she added.

Comments left by bidders ranged from the curious to the confused. ebayBetsy100 wrote “I was a big fan of Punky Brewster when I was a kid. If I use one of your eggs, will my baby be abandoned by the father, like Punky was? That would be so unfair to the child, no matter who the father is.”

Probuyer77 wrote: “I hope I win the bid because I want my daughter to be a famous person (or son). Will you be a surroget [sic] mother or will I have to carry the child? I would pay extra if you were the birth mother if I win your egg.”

Several users were actually more surprised with the fact that you could sell your own eggs on eBay than they were that Frye was selling hers. “Wow, I could probably make a fortune selling my eggs,” said eBay user quickcash666. “I mean hell, I get new ones every month anyway. I didn’t know that was allowed on eBay, or is [Soleil] just allowed to because she was famous once three decades ago? Celebrities get all the luck.”

Frye hopes her auction will bring awareness to the problem of infertility. “I’ve always been a trend setter,” she said. “I’ve always been unique. I was the only kid named Soleil in my classes all throughout school. Even if I don’t make a lot of money from this auction, I hope I can bring awareness to people facing reproductive difficulties. I mean, I’ve got three kids, so I know my eggs work just fine, but if just one of my eggs can complete a family, that would be enough reward for me, even though the money would be a bonus.”

Frye may get her wish. After completing this interview with Empire News, the actress was contacted by Michelle Duggar, star of the reality series 19 Kids and Counting. “They offered me a spot on the show,” said an excited Frye. “This will bring the awareness I was talking about and get me back into my acting, so it’s a win-win! They even mentioned a spin-off show called Frye’d Eggs! Their show is very popular and the Duggars said if the auction doesn’t go as well as I hope it will, they will buy my eggs directly! I guess the only thing we didn’t discuss was if I’m going to be, like, the 20th kid and counting or not.”

The high bid for Frye’s eggs was $477.01 at the time of this story’s posting.