Klan Says ‘Guns Don’t Kill People, Black People Kill People’

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FORTH WORTH, Texas – 

Christoper Miller, the leader of the Fort Worth Ku Klux Klan chapter, has ignited a wave of anger amongst the public after saying that “guns were not the problem, black people with guns [are],” referring to the Dallas, Texas shooting that killed five white police officers.

The head of the racist group cautioned to a crowd of people outside of a Fort Worth courthouse that “history will repeat itself again and again, as long as black people are allowed to own guns.” Miller was surrounded and protected by a large percentage of the Forth Worth police department.

“There is no gun problem in America,” he told the small group of supporters and bystanders. “Guns don’t kill people, black people kill people. The problem is whose hands you put the guns in. Guns are harmless by themselves, but black people are a menace to society, it’s a fact. Give them a gun, and that nigger will be twice as more likely to kill someone.”

The rally was dispersed shortly after by anxious police who feared a riot from nearby anti-KKK protestors.

Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

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“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia ‘Good For Publicity’

Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia 'Good For Publicity'

OAKLAND, California – 

With the recent museum shooting in Tunisia, many museums stateside are seeing increased traffic. The Oakland Museum of California in particular came forth to talk about the shooting and its hopes for the future.

“My thoughts go out all those affected by the shooting – but it’s been great for business. People have a renewed sense of appreciation of the importance of museums, even if it’s superficial and based on sensationalism,” a representative from OMCA said in an interview.

“I’m not saying I want it to happen, but a shooting is incredible for publicity – maybe if the gunmen are just really drunk or have bad aim and don’t take any lives?” he added.

While his words may be met with an incredulous glance at first, a closer look reveals them to be true. Each year fewer people visit historical, art, and educational museums, leaving many of them with no option but to close their doors. The culprit: apathy of the new generation. When something dramatic happens, however, people suddenly regain interest.

OMCA recently dedicated a research team to this effect which they termed “Hipster Empathy.”

“Thanks to social media, whenever something happens, people gobble up the headlines in an attempt to seem cultured,” the head of the team explained. “We originally thought one of two things: either they make the connection that visiting a museum will ACTUALLY make them more cultured, or the faint possibility of danger makes it seem more exciting,” the head of the team explained.

In the end, the team leaned more toward a subconscious link to the shooting in Tunisia, adding that explosions or some kind of blatant racism would have been more exciting and could make the effect stronger.

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